deepstash

Beta

How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having

Mistakes during arguments

  • "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
  • Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
  • Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.

459 SAVES


This is a professional note extracted from an online article.

Read more efficiently

Save what inspires you

Remember anything

IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having

How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having

https://estherperel.com/blog/how-to-fix-the-fights-youre-sick-of-having

estherperel.com

5

Key Ideas

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.

For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience things differently than you do.

The form fights take

  • The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
  • The second dynamic: the negative attribution theoryIf I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
  • The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.

Mistakes during arguments

  • "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
  • Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
  • Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.

Switching from reacting to reflecting

When you’re in an argument, before you disagree, try telling the person you’re speaking with what you heard them say.

When you’re in a disagreement, you are able to repeat what the other person said for only 10 seconds. After that, you go on with your answer or tune out. But it’s important to repeat what was said so they feel acknowledged.

Validating and empathizing

We get into arguments because we want to feel that the other person respects what we’re experiencing. Saying "I can see where you’re coming from" is a great form of validation.

When your experience is acknowledged, you feel sane. So even if you don't agree with the other point of view, it helps to acknowledge that there’s another person who experiences the same event very differently from you.

EXPLORE MORE AROUND THESE TOPICS:

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Loneliness And Loss Of Connection
Loneliness And Loss Of Connection

Loneliness is nothing new, but the last decade the feeling has expanded to alarming degrees. Loneliness used to mean being socially isolated, but now it means loss of connection, lack of trust, and...

Ambiguous Loss

It happens when your loved one is physically present but has gone absent in all other ways from any sort of relationship.

One can see it when a partner is half-listening to you, distracted on social media, or when during a phone conversation, you can feel that your partner is lost somewhere, and is lagging in his/her response.

Solitude In The Time Of Crisis

We used to love solitude when there was hustle-bustle on the streets, but now when the whole world is isolated and the streets are not as before, solitude feels stressful.

These times of crisis and loss have made our coping mechanism become extreme and unpredictable.

4 more ideas

The value of complaining
The value of complaining

As important and healing as gratitude is, we can't be grateful all the time. There is a time when we also have to make room for complaints.

For weeks, we've been going through p...

Complaining is better with others
  • Make space for other people to vent aloud. They know that they are powerless, and they have to accept the situation. Venting gives them the illusion that they are in control.
  • Have a little competition with your best complaints.
  • Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
  • Avoid complaining mistakes (such as: getting carried away by anger, firing too many complaints at a time or thinking that complaining alone will save us from our problems).
The new relationships norms
The new relationships norms

There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building....

Relationships terms
  • Ghosting: Stopping communications suddenly and completely with someone you are dating, but no longer want to date. You cannot face the pain you will inflict, so you make it invisible by disappearing.
  • Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
  • Simmering: Reducing the frequency of dates and communication. You know it isn't working, but you like the security of the relationship while you browse other options.
  • Power parting: You know it isn't working and end the relationship conclusively. "This isn't working for me. Thank you for sharing your world. I enjoyed our time together and wish you all my best."
Bringing back relationship accountability

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.

Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.

one more idea