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How to Fix the Fights You're Sick of Having
Mistakes during arguments
- "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
- Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
- Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.
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Key Ideas
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight
Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.
For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience things differently than you do.
The form fights take
- The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
- The second dynamic: the negative attribution theory. If I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
- The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.
Mistakes during arguments
- "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
- Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
- Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.
Switching from reacting to reflecting
When you’re in an argument, before you disagree, try telling the person you’re speaking with what you heard them say.
When you’re in a disagreement, you are able to repeat what the other person said for only 10 seconds. After that, you go on with your answer or tune out. But it’s important to repeat what was said so they feel acknowledged.
Validating and empathizing
We get into arguments because we want to feel that the other person respects what we’re experiencing. Saying "I can see where you’re coming from" is a great form of validation.
When your experience is acknowledged, you feel sane. So even if you don't agree with the other point of view, it helps to acknowledge that there’s another person who experiences the same event very differently from you.
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- Have a little competition with your best complaints.
- Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
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- Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
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Bringing back relationship accountability
Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.
Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.
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