Mistakes during arguments
- "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
- Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
- Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.
MORE IDEAS FROM THE ARTICLE
Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.
For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience things differently than you do.
- The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
- The second dynamic: the negative attribution theory. If I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
- The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.
When you’re in an argument, before you disagree, try telling the person you’re speaking with what you heard them say.
When you’re in a disagreement, you are able to repeat what the other person said for only 10 seconds. After that, you go on with your answer or tune out. But it’s important to repeat what was said so they feel acknowledged.
We get into arguments because we want to feel that the other person respects what we’re experiencing. Saying "I can see where you’re coming from" is a great form of validation.
When your experience is acknowledged, you feel sane. So even if you don't agree with the other point of view, it helps to acknowledge that there’s another person who experiences the same event very differently from you.
RELATED IDEAS
Identifying the hidden dimension under the relationship fight can affect how we fight and how we move forward.
- Power and control fights: "You undermine me with the kids."/ "Because I make less money, I feel like I have to check with you before I buy anything."
- Care and closeness fights: "Why am I always the one to text or call you? "Why can't you support me when I'm anxious?"
- Respect and recognition fights: "You never acknowledge my accomplishments."/"I don't think you realize how much I do."
Hard anniversaries, like the birthday of someone we've lost, are helped by routines and rituals. They create a grounding structure with a reassuring and stabilising effect.
- Routines are repetitive actions to help us develop skills while creating continuity and order.
- Rituals are routines elevated by creativity, driven by intention, and injected with meaning. Rituals help us through transitions. If setting the table is a routine, a ritual is taking the special china and making grandma's favourite recipe to remember her and process the time passed since her death.
There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building.
This stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels constant uncertainty, and neither person feels really appreciated or nurtured.