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Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner

Being supportive

In relationships, there is usually one partner designated as the emotional rock. The risk with this: always being there for others can sometimes make you forget to take care of you.

The challenge is figuring out how to encourage your partner while holding on to your own identity and individuality.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner

Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner

https://estherperel.com/blog/let-go-of-being-the-perfect-partner

estherperel.com

6

Key Ideas

There is no such thing as the ideal partner

Thus, you should give up the hope that you can be flawless and put together every day in a relationship.

That idea is not realistic, puts you in a continuous state of feeling that you're not good enough, and can stop you from developing real confidence in yourself.

Supportive, long-term relationships

To foster a long-term, supportive, solid relationships, it's important to recognize your flaws while still holding yourself and your partner in high regard.

Start by freeing yourself from the outdated notions of how an exemplary partner should behave.

Being “chill/cool”

These are not signs of emotional maturity or intelligence, because there are some things that you should get upset about (an unfaithful or neglectful partner, for example).

Specific situations demand certain reactions, and this idea of people being “too much” or “crazy” is destructive because it causes you to act fake and pretend that your partner’s hurtful actions don’t bother you.

Emotion regulation

Learn how to regulate your emotions: cry, scream, get angry, but then calm down.

This way you’re exposing your partner to the way you really are, to what upsets you, and how you handle and resolve your feelings. The right partner should still love you once you open up in this way.

Being supportive

In relationships, there is usually one partner designated as the emotional rock. The risk with this: always being there for others can sometimes make you forget to take care of you.

The challenge is figuring out how to encourage your partner while holding on to your own identity and individuality.

Having your life together

You are allowed to make mistakes, search for yourself, and not have all the answers about who you really are.

If you begin a relationship on the supposition that you have everything figured out, you are setting yourself up for failure later on: Your relationship will be developed on unrealistic expectations, and your partner may be resentful once you reveal your true self.

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It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.

For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience t...

The form fights take

  • The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
  • The second dynamic: the negative attribution theoryIf I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
  • The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.

Mistakes during arguments

  • "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
  • Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
  • Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.

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The value of complaining

The value of complaining

As important and healing as gratitude is, we can't be grateful all the time. There is a time when we also have to make room for complaints.

For weeks, we've been going through p...

Complaining is better with others

  • Make space for other people to vent aloud. They know that they are powerless, and they have to accept the situation. Venting gives them the illusion that they are in control.
  • Have a little competition with your best complaints.
  • Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
  • Avoid complaining mistakes (such as: getting carried away by anger, firing too many complaints at a time or thinking that complaining alone will save us from our problems).

The new relationships norms

The new relationships norms

There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building....

Relationships terms

  • Ghosting: Stopping communications suddenly and completely with someone you are dating, but no longer want to date. You cannot face the pain you will inflict, so you make it invisible by disappearing.
  • Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
  • Simmering: Reducing the frequency of dates and communication. You know it isn't working, but you like the security of the relationship while you browse other options.
  • Power parting: You know it isn't working and end the relationship conclusively. "This isn't working for me. Thank you for sharing your world. I enjoyed our time together and wish you all my best."

Bringing back relationship accountability

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.

Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.

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