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Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner

https://estherperel.com/blog/let-go-of-being-the-perfect-partner

estherperel.com

Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner

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There is no such thing as the ideal partner

There is no such thing as the ideal partner

Thus, you should give up the hope that you can be flawless and put together every day in a relationship.

That idea is not realistic, puts you in a continuous state of feeling that you're not good enough, and can stop you from developing real confidence in yourself.

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Supportive, long-term relationships

To foster a long-term, supportive, solid relationships, it's important to recognize your flaws while still holding yourself and your partner in high regard.

Start by freeing yourself from the outdated notions of how an exemplary partner should behave.

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Being “chill/cool”

These are not signs of emotional maturity or intelligence, because there are some things that you should get upset about (an unfaithful or neglectful partner, for example).

Specific situations demand certain reactions, and this idea of people being “too much” or “crazy” is destructive because it causes you to act fake and pretend that your partner’s hurtful actions don’t bother you.

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Emotion regulation

Learn how to regulate your emotions: cry, scream, get angry, but then calm down.

This way you’re exposing your partner to the way you really are, to what upsets you, and how you handle and resolve your feelings. The right partner should still love you once you open up in this way.

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Being supportive

In relationships, there is usually one partner designated as the emotional rock. The risk with this: always being there for others can sometimes make you forget to take care of you.

The challenge is figuring out how to encourage your partner while holding on to your own identity and individuality.

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Having your life together

You are allowed to make mistakes, search for yourself, and not have all the answers about who you really are.

If you begin a relationship on the supposition that you have everything figured out, you are setting yourself up for failure later on: Your relationship will be developed on unrealistic expectations, and your partner may be resentful once you reveal your true self.

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fight

Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.

For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience t...

The form fights take

  • The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
  • The second dynamic: the negative attribution theoryIf I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
  • The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.

Mistakes during arguments

  • "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
  • Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
  • Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.

2 more ideas

The value of complaining

The value of complaining

As important and healing as gratitude is, we can't be grateful all the time. There is a time when we also have to make room for complaints.

For weeks, we've been going through p...

Complaining is better with others

  • Make space for other people to vent aloud. They know that they are powerless, and they have to accept the situation. Venting gives them the illusion that they are in control.
  • Have a little competition with your best complaints.
  • Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
  • Avoid complaining mistakes (such as: getting carried away by anger, firing too many complaints at a time or thinking that complaining alone will save us from our problems).

Financial Tensions In A Relationship

Financial Tensions In A Relationship
  • Most couples have disagreements and difference of opinion with matters related to money, due to many factors.
  • We live in a society where attaining financial security is a huge chal...

Marriage Is Also A Financial Partnership

The subject of money becomes the centre of the cyclone in most relationships.

  • As gender roles get skewed, old rules are getting thrown out the door and money is becoming a measuring scale of status, access, freedom, comfort, interdependence, independence, trust and loyalty.
  • People who grew up poor would want to prove their worth, and others who grew up rich may not understand the need.
  • The age of marriage is now a decade ahead then it was earlier, and most people are already economically independent, and may have also accrued various purchases and built a credit and debt portfolio.

Plan Ahead And Live Together

Partners need to recalibrate their living, working, parenting and recreational patterns and get back to the drawing board about how to spend and save. No previous rules seem to apply in this age of the pandemic, job losses, political uncertainty and widespread conflict.

One needs to ask oneself basic questions about the meaning of money and how it would impact the rest of one’s life and relationship with family and loved ones.