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Do You Have a Fear of Disappointing Others? How to Conquer It for Good
Don’t Take Disappointment Personally
We fear others' reactions as if others are going to be disappointed by us on a personal level. The disappointment need not be taken personally as the other person may be upset at the situation or towards the outside world, and how their plan did not work out.
Do not over-analyse the situation, and base your actions on your core values.
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Key Ideas
Fear of abandonment
Some people will pursue multiple relationships simultaneously because of a fear of abandonment.
They want to have a backup relationship in case something goes wrong, but in doing so, they are putting their relationship at risk, living a lie, and not dealing with their fear of abandonment in a healthy way.
Signs of the fear of abandonment
- You feel jealous often.
- You go overboard in the relationship.
- You have thoughts about their partner or spouse leaving you.
- You demand an unrealistic portion of time with your significant other.
- You have difficulty in trusting their partner or spouse and are controlling.
- You always look out for the next relationship or significant other to replace the one most recently lost.
- You feel unworthy, less than or unworthy of love.
- You have lower self-esteem/ self-confidence.
- You end relationships before the other person can.
- You stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of the fear of being abandoned or alone.
- You will pursue relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The reason behind the fear of abandonment
Generally, people who have a fear of abandonment feel they are not worthy of being loved.
When a child is attached to someone, and the person leaves them, they are left feeling that they were not fully loved. Even though this is likely not the truth, the child will wonder what made them unlovable. As an adult, they may still feel there is something about them that makes them not worthy. They often believe they should control things so that the person doesn't leave them.
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Key Ideas
Identify must-have goals
Try imagining yourself when you are 80 years old, nearing the end of your life. Look back on your life as if you had not achieved the goal you are after at this moment in your life. What are your regrets? What do you wish you had made more time for? Is there sadness and regret?
Excuses=Emotional Safety
We make excuses and push aside our dreams. There’s just not enough time, money, etc.) And we start to hide behind those excuses. They’re safe. By becoming more cognizant of your brain’s tendency for using excuses, the better you will become at dismissing them.
Success is Adopting a Growth Mindset
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Key Ideas
Every Decision In Life Becomes a Trade-Off
... and boils down to what we give up to attain something. Our mindsets are inclined towards pleasure and resistive towards pain. We normally like to think in terms of gaining, success, and acceptance.
We forget that there are always two sides of the coin and loss, failure and rejection come hand in hand whether we like it or not.
Good and Bad Decisions
Decisions are a cost-benefit analysis of risking something small for the opportunity to gain something big.
- Good decisions can be: Exercising, meditating for 10 minutes daily, finding the courage and striking up a conversation with someone, applying for jobs that you may or may not get.
- Bad decisions can be: lying or pretending to someone, driving unsafely, sending angry text messages, or staying up late drinking before an important meeting or exam in the morning.
Trade-offs and Life Values
Trade-offs are not something as simple as flipping a coin. Our values guide us towards what we want in life, and it is not the same for all. Example: Buying a house has a trade-off of mortgage for the next ten or more years. This is subjective and depends on what we value in life.
Indecisive people suffer because they don’t know their inner values and what they care about.