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How to Recognize (and Correct) Enabling Behavior
Helping a loved one
Many people try to help a loved one make significant life changes but fail. They may try to help a spouse quit smoking or get a roommate out of an abusive relationship. They may feel that if they don't help, the person will come to ruin.
Instead of helping, they are engaged in enabling behaviors such as lying and covering for them or threatening to leave but not doing it.
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Helping a loved one
Many people try to help a loved one make significant life changes but fail. They may try to help a spouse quit smoking or get a roommate out of an abusive relationship. They may feel that if they don't help, the person will come to ruin.
Instead of helping, they are engaged in enabling behaviors such as lying and covering for them or threatening to leave but not doing it.
Different forms of enabling behavior
Enabling may accidentally happen when you are trying to help, but after an extended period, you realise that you are really helping.
- Cleaning up after someone is one form of enabling behavior and includes any way of protecting the person from the negative consequences of their own behavior.
- A partner lies to his in-laws about his wife's drug problem to protect her from embarrassment.
- A sibling pays his brother's rent because he regularly loses his money to gambling.
It might be okay if it happened once, but if these "rescues" happen repeatedly, they don't get to learn from the cause-and-effect pattern of their behaviors.
Giving someone non-specific help
- Our loved ones often come to us in a moment of crisis. They're losing their job or need to pay someone back. We sometimes feel we have to give money or bail them out in some form. But after a time or two, you become the consistent rescuer while they continue in their unaccountable ways.
- Boundaries can be used to stop the cycle, but not letting those boundaries slip is hard. If you put your foot down on not loaning money, don't give in. The person you're trying to help will ultimately feel more secure if they know you keep your word. You're also a good role model for consistent behavior.
Shaming someone and making excuses
It's easy to get frustrated when a loved one keeps damaging themselves. This frustration can make us guilt-tripping them. But shaming someone seldom works.
When it doesn't work, we may start to make excuses for them to explain their problem away. This won't help either.
How to productively help someone
We cannot control another person's behavior nor change it.
- Once you understand that, let go of judgments and accept the person. Give them space to share their thoughts and feelings. It doesn't mean you condone their behavior, but you can respect their feelings.
- Hold them accountable without shaming or guilt-tripping. Encourage them to set goals and ask what they need from you to hold them responsible.
- Celebrate successes with them. It will strengthen trust between you and give them permission to feel good about themselves.
- Provide reasonable logistical support and assist in a plan to help them climb out of their circumstances.
SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
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Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
- Passive-aggression is an indirect way to go on the offensive. An example is when someone tries to "get you back" by resisting cooperation and giving you the "...
What a covert aggressive looks like
- They pretend to be innocent, ignorant, or confused when they did something awful. This tactic is to make you question your judgment.
- They don't give a straight answer to a straight question, but evade the question or change the subject when cornered.
- They lie by omission or distortion by deliberately being vague.
- They may either respond with charm and flattery, of will suddenly be angry.
- They'll play the victim and make themselves out to be the one in distress.
- They rationalize by giving a plausible excuse for engaging in inappropriate behavior, or they will downplay their behavior.
- Covert aggressives don't feel bad, but they know you do. They will send you on a guilt trip so you will lighten your accusations.
How to deal with a covert-aggressive person
- Let go of the pretense that if you play nice, they will play nice.
- Know your vulnerabilities and focus on the one thing that really needs to change: yourself. You can only control what you do.
- Set some boundaries for yourself. Be prepared for the consequences and set a support system.
- Memorize the list of tactics used by an aggressive person. Then it is easier to recognize the attack.
- If you're willing to accept an excuse, know that they will fling excuses at you until one stick.
- Stay calm and polite, and avoid sarcasm, hostility, or threats.
- Without being rude, be specific about what you expect or want from the other person. Aggressives will only participate if they can get something out of it. If they have to lose, they'll make sure you go down too. Ensure you propose win-win solutions
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Codependency
The traditional definition of codependency focuses on control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such a...
Signs of Codependency
Ask yourself these questions:
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
The Development of Codependency
When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home with unavailable parents, the child takes on the role of caretaker, learn to put the parents need first, and repress and disregard their own needs.
As the child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.
Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down.
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The savior complex
It is defined by the constant need to try and save people by solving their problems. You have this syndrome, if:
- you feel attracted by vulnerable individuals
- ...
The "savior
Trying to save the others might prove an extremely exhausting goal for the savior. Among the negative effects that this savior syndrome can have:
- having a burnout
- breaking the relationship with the person you are trying to save
- once you realize you cannot actual save anybody else but you, a feeling of frustration might emerge.
Fighting the savior syndrome
In order to overcome the savior complex:
- practice active listening rather than active helping
- talk to the person in need in order to find common ground rather than putting in place your own solution
- remember that you are in control only of your own life
- make sure your need to help the others doesn't come from an unsolved personal problem.
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