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How to Recognize (and Correct) Enabling Behavior
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Helping a loved one
Many people try to help a loved one make significant life changes but fail. They may try to help a spouse quit smoking or get a roommate out of an abusive relationship. They may feel that if they d...
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Different forms of enabling behavior
Enabling may accidentally happen when you are trying to help, but after an extended period, you realise that you are really helping.
- Cleaning up after someone is one form of ena...
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Giving someone non-specific help
- Our loved ones often come to us in a moment of crisis. They're losing their job or need to pay someone back. We sometimes feel we have to give money or bail them out in some form.
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Shaming someone and making excuses
It's easy to get frustrated when a loved one keeps damaging themselves. This frustration can make us guilt-tripping them. But shaming someone seldom works.
When it doesn't work, we...
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How to productively help someone
We cannot control another person's behavior nor change it.
- Once you understand that, let go of judgments and accept the person. Give them space to share their t...
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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
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Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
- Passive-aggression is an indirect way to go on the offensive. An example is when someone tries to "get you back" by resisting cooperation and giving you the "...
What a covert aggressive looks like
- They pretend to be innocent, ignorant, or confused when they did something awful. This tactic is to make you question your judgment.
- They don't give a straight answer to a straight question, but evade the question or change the subject when cornered.
- They lie by omission or distortion by deliberately being vague.
- They may either respond with charm and flattery, of will suddenly be angry.
- They'll play the victim and make themselves out to be the one in distress.
- They rationalize by giving a plausible excuse for engaging in inappropriate behavior, or they will downplay their behavior.
- Covert aggressives don't feel bad, but they know you do. They will send you on a guilt trip so you will lighten your accusations.
How to deal with a covert-aggressive person
- Let go of the pretense that if you play nice, they will play nice.
- Know your vulnerabilities and focus on the one thing that really needs to change: yourself. You can only control what you do.
- Set some boundaries for yourself. Be prepared for the consequences and set a support system.
- Memorize the list of tactics used by an aggressive person. Then it is easier to recognize the attack.
- If you're willing to accept an excuse, know that they will fling excuses at you until one stick.
- Stay calm and polite, and avoid sarcasm, hostility, or threats.
- Without being rude, be specific about what you expect or want from the other person. Aggressives will only participate if they can get something out of it. If they have to lose, they'll make sure you go down too. Ensure you propose win-win solutions
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The savior complex
It is defined by the constant need to try and save people by solving their problems. You have this syndrome, if:
- you feel attracted by vulnerable individuals
- ...
The "savior
Trying to save the others might prove an extremely exhausting goal for the savior. Among the negative effects that this savior syndrome can have:
- having a burnout
- breaking the relationship with the person you are trying to save
- once you realize you cannot actual save anybody else but you, a feeling of frustration might emerge.
Fighting the savior syndrome
In order to overcome the savior complex:
- practice active listening rather than active helping
- talk to the person in need in order to find common ground rather than putting in place your own solution
- remember that you are in control only of your own life
- make sure your need to help the others doesn't come from an unsolved personal problem.
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Dropping “Hints”
It shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another.
State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not ne...
Holding the Relationship Hostage
For example, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me."
It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself.
Blaming Your Partner
... for your own emotions. This is a subtle form of selfishness and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs.