The Psychology Of Revenge

Some people do their parenting in difficult circumstances, and nothing that is done by them as parents is fully under their control.

The good and bad traits that parents possess can find their way in the child, with them having no say as to what the child will eventually become or do.

Due to so many factors at play, parents are relying on good luck, pulling off a gamble on the child that is being raised. They don't have much leverage on the outcome, the net result of the actions of their offspring.

There is an inner paradox, a duality that exists in the minds of parents, which can make them accept and also reject the responsibility they have towards their kids' actions.

• You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge
• You enjoy feeling superior
• You don't know how to resolve the situation
• You're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides
• You self-identify as a "victim"
• You're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection.

If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts.

• Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened, how you felt about it and how it made you react.
• Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?
• Think about the other person. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?
• Decide if you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her.

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While it can feel very satisfying to play tit-for-tat, studies show that revenge is often short-lived.

Revenge can make an incident much harder to overcome. Pay-back ties you to the person and keeps you focused on the mistreatment. It prevents you from moving forward and redirecting your life.

While the desire to "get even" is understandable, doing so is likely to make things worse.

• You could use the feeling of revenge to highlight what you value and prioritize rather than using your energy to dwell on the past. The catalyst lies in channeling the feeling of revenge to something positive.
• Letting go of toxic feelings can make you feel powerful - not by exercising power over someone else, but over yourself.

Studies on reinforcement revealed that the best way for us to learn complex behaviors is via continuous reinforcement, in which the desired behavior is rewarded every time it’s performed. Consistency and timing are the keys.

Nonetheless, some argue that intermittent reinforcement is the most efficient way to maintain an already learnt behavior. It consists of giving reinforcement only some of the times that the desired behavior occurs.

• Rewarding the behavior immediately may take time away from the behavior’s continuation.
• It’s cheaper not to reward every instance of a desired behavior.
• By making the rewards unpredictable, you trigger excitement and thus get an increase in response without increasing the amount of reinforcement.
• Since the person is already adapted to not always being rewarded, they take longer to stopping the behavior when reinforcement is removed.

Forgiveness takes time for most. Shock and anger often come before forgiveness. Deal with the hurt feelings before moving into forgiveness.

The act of forgiving is one of realizing that holding onto the anger and resentment no longer carries the same weight on us.

One roadblock people face with forgiveness is the idea of being seen as "weak" and saying that what the offender did is excusable.

It requires more strength to forgive. Staying angry, resentful, and vengeful can have a detrimental impact on your physical and emotional health as well as your relationships.

Imagine living in a world without rules. 

• Language follows rules. Breaking away from the rules of language makes us incoherent.
• Consider the rules of sport or games, the rules of chess or football. Without the rules, chess wouldn't be chess. A game without rules is no game at all.
• Daily norms tell us what we can and can't do and make our social interactions run smoothly.
• Rules about driving on the left or the right, not littering, queueing are the building blocks of a harmonious society.

Some people would prefer a society without government, where individual freedom comes first.

However, a world that promotes anarchy is inherently unstable. Humans continually make new rules to govern and do so as quickly as old rules are overturned.

The brain’s response to caloric restriction tends to be to increase cravings for foods that are highly rewarding and reducing our perception of being full. 

Diets frequently fail because they have an endpoint and are not a real lifestyle change. Maintaining a lifestyle that promotes a healthy weight and metabolism is often a lifelong journey. 

The actual food you eat isn’t the main thing that enables you to keep weight off.

Maintaining a weight-reduced state is a lifelong journey and many dietary approaches can work to facilitate weight loss and keep it off.

A story, if broken down into the simplest form, is a connection of cause and effect. And that is exactly how we think. We think in narratives all day long.

Exchange giving suggestions for telling stories.

A story is the only way to activate parts in the brain so that a listener turns the story into their own idea and experience.