Healing from unhealthy perfectionism

Constructive or healthy perfectionism is a personality trait that is associated with finding enjoyment and fulfilment from doing things well. The focus is process-oriented, where you learn from your mistakes.

A darker side of perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system where the person thinks a perfect life can prevent or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame. This form of perfectionism involves trying to constantly meet perceived expectations of what 'perfect' is.

Becoming aware of your perfectionism can be very complicated because you've convinced yourself that your perfectionist traits are normal and not a problem. It is good to understand that not everyone is like this.

An exercise to develop more insight into the role that destructive perfectionism plays is mindfulness. Sit somewhere comfortable and set a timer for five minutes. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Stay focused on your breath. If your mind wanders, gently let go of those thoughts and refocus on your breath. When the timer goes off, check your emotions, such as irritation, relief, feeling foolish. Simply notice and watch them dissipate.

1. Your perfectionism is fueled by a constant, critical inner voice of intense shame or fear.
2. You demonstrate an excessive sense of responsibility and look for solutions.
3. You are unable to accept and express painful emotions.
4. You dismiss or discount abuse or trauma.
5. You worry a lot and avoid situations where you're not in control.
6. You are highly focused on tasks and expectations and validate yourself with your accomplishments.
7. You have an active and sincere concern for the wellbeing of others, while seldom allowing anyone into your inner world.
8. You feel you have to acknowledge your gratitude.
9. You have emotional difficulty with personal intimacy.
10. You might have anxiety and control issues, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), panic and eating disorders.

1. Adopting such a rigid commitment that if you fail, you'll quit.
2. Beginning with a goal that's too hard or too big.
3. Going at your goal alone without accepting help.
4. Dealing with the fear and shame of giving up your persona.
5. Worsening mental difficulties such as OCD or an eating disorder.

The first two potential stumbling blocks can be mastered by changing the goal of commitment to that of intention. The third stumbling block can be conquered by reflecting on the instances where it would have been good to ask for help and considering scenarios with what you could've said or done. Journaling is the best way to overcome the fourth stumbling block. The fifth block is a reminder that you might need to put this work of halt for a time while attending to anxiety or another disorder.

Seeing the positive results from the efforts you are making in dealing with destructive perfectionism will give you hope.

Go through the ten traits associated with perfectionism-fuelled depression, and with support from friends or family, think about specific ways you can risk behaviour change. Every small change is a win and worthy of celebration.

Rules and beliefs interact. Your beliefs are something you accept to be true. Your rules govern your behaviour. Your rules can limit or expand your beliefs.

Confronting your personal beliefs is about identifying the rules you live by, then considering if they are still rules you want to follow. If a rule doesn't serve you well, write one out that could replace it.

A possible explanation of why people develop unhealthy perfectionism is that they grow up without a sense of support, safety, and nurturing. Another reason can be a reaction to childhood trauma or extreme cultural expectations, where appearing perfect is a strategy for survival.

The consequence of destructive perfectionism is often deep-seated emotional difficulties and unresolved traumatic experiences that might eventually turn into a potentially severe depression.

You might be more aware of your own vulnerability and tendency to withdraw. However, if you don't connect with and process your emotional hurt, anger or sadness, they will govern your life.

In a supportive environment, create a timeline, then write 2, 4, 8, 12, 20, etc., on your timeline. Fill in both the good and hurtful things that occurred to you. The goal is to acknowledge the good and the bad. Connecting with pain teaches that you can tolerate it and that your vulnerabilities don't define you.