The truth is, most of us will never manage to find the right person, and that’s perfectly fine.what we can manage is, finding a good enough partner. You might have already found one.You may even occasionally wonder if you married the wrong person or if you’re compatible with your partner.Here’s the key: it’s the journey of love that allows you and your partner to grow and develop the capacity to tolerate your incompatibilities, ultimately achieving compatibility.

Here’s The Truth 

Now, let’s talk about compatibility in love. We often misunderstand it.Compatibility isn’t the starting point in finding love; it’s the outcome of love that sustains a relationship.When we search for love, we’re often seeking familiarity. Our early experiences with love, shaped by parents, movies, and books, influence our adult expectations.This means that we might unintentionally choose familiar-feeling partners over truly compatible ones.But what exactly is compatibility? It’s closely related to tolerance.

Compatibility

Love is not just a feeling or instinct, it’s a skill we need to learn.It might sound strange, but it’s the reality.Love isn’t something that magically develops on its own and lasts a lifetime.In my own quest for answers during a challenging time, I stumbled upon a piece of wisdom from Alain de Botton that has deeply impacted me.He explains an important aspect, the idea of marrying the wrong person.

The Surprising Truth About Marrying The Wrong Person

In Alain de Botton’s words, “love is not just admiration for strength; it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition for ambivalence.”In simpler terms, loving your partner isn’t just about adoring their strengths.It’s also about accepting their flaws and their unpredictability, understanding that it’s okay not to like everything about them.This love-hate dynamic is entirely normal because the person you love is a mixture of good and bad traits.None of us are easy to live with. Since we are all unique individuals with our own peculiarities, tolerance is a vital component of love.

Tolerance In Love

The secret for a happy and fulfilling marriage or relationship is a mix of the love-hate relationship, where admiration and tolerance coexist, with a healthy dose of compromise.In the end, love is a journey that involves learning, adapting, and growing alongside your partner rather than having a predetermined end point.If you embrace the skills of love, choose your familiarity carefully, exercise tolerance, and don’t be reluctant to compromise, you’ll be well on your way to finding a healthy and lasting relationship.

Here’s The Secret Sauce

Recently, I've been facing a challenging period, and this article significantly shifted my perspective. I hope it can bring value to you as well :)

Embrace a philosophy of pessimism. Every human will disappoint you, and you’ll do the same to them.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

philosophy

Philosophy

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

Don’t try to interact with people if you are not feeling your best, either emotionally, physically or mentally.
Instead of socializing due to an obligation, even though you are not at your 100 percent, it is better to be absent.

Give Yourself A Break

<ul>
<li>When we speak negatively of other people, the same trait is subconsciously associated with us, something known as Spontaneous Trait Transference.</li>
<li>Instead of gossiping (negative talk), one can try gushing (talking about positive qualities and stuff) and let those things be associated with themselves automatically.</li>
<li>Speaking genuinely and praising others vividly (in a natural, real way) does wonders to one’s charisma.</li>
</ul>

The Spontaneous Trait Transference

Charisma is a magnetic attractiveness that inspires devotion in others, and is not an innate talent of the few.
It is a science that many can learn and cultivate in themselves by following a set of guidelines. Keep in mind that charisma does not mean perfection, and many seemingly awkward or average-looking men and women are in fact, extremely charismatic.

Charisma: A Primer

Charismatic people keep up the motivational levels of their team members by being encouraging, optimistic and a bundle of energy and positivity.
They reward good work, give ample credit to others and give sincere compliments.

Charisma And Infectious Optimism

If you want to get along with people, you have to understand that like an onion, people have layers, and one has to peel the layers from them to reveal their real, amazing nature. No one is inherently boring.
You have to take responsibility, actively engage and delight the person. Example: The quiet person that no one talks to can be nurtured simply by listening with empathy and respect.

Take Charge Of The Conversation With Another Person

Being a great conversationalist should normally mean speaking more right? Wrong! One has to maintain a 2:1 ratio of listening versus speaking, while we communicate.
Asking lots of follow up questions or examples, which makes the other person dig deeper, makes for a great conversation, and the person automatically feels that the listener is a great conversationalist and gets attracted on a subconscious level.
Essentially, one is deemed a great conversationalist and therefore charismatic, just by listening actively.

Great Conversationalists Don’t Talk Much

When we admit our weakness, we are more human, likeable and authentic. This honest and imperfect person becomes charismatic, something known as the vulnerability effect.
While conducting a study of two women selling blenders at a mall, it was found that the ‘clumsy’ lady seller, who often forgot to close the lid and spilt smoothie on herself was considered more likeable and charismatic. The other more perfect woman who had a perfectly good presentation was not considered as charismatic.

The Vulnerability Effect

It is a well-known fact that most people quit due to bad bosses. This includes all the super-geniuses who would have driven the company towards growth and prosperity but were sidelined or diminished by lousy, insecure bosses.
An extensive study on more than fifty thousand leaders showed that only one in 2000 leaders can be unlikeable and still be successful.
Teams having likeable leaders tend to be stable and flourishing. A likeable leader makes the team members step out of their comfort zone and give their best, without forcing anything.

The Key Is To Be Likeable

<ul>
<li>Competence-related skills: One can be highly competent, efficient, effective or commanding, being in the fear realm.</li>
<li>Warmth-related skills: One can focus on being relatable, likeable, humble or pleasing, being in the love realm.</li>
</ul>
The takeaway here is to be competent and then be lovable, as both are crucial.

Competence Vs Warmth

Social wealth is what charismatic people excel at. They go beyond just meeting new people or maintaining existing relations. They become connectors who introduce people with each other, knowing that they will ‘hit it’ well together.
Charismatic people are not selfish about their social wealth, but spread it in abundance, making them sought after among their friends.

Charismatic People Are Connectors

career

Career

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

communication

Communication

How To Be Effortlessly Charismatic

Is there science behind charisma? Definitely yes. In this guide I will teach you the science behind charisma and highly charismatic people.

Charisma: What Is It and How You Can Become More Charismatic

<ul>
<li>With the help of the right communication, attitude and gestures, a rapport can be formed with the other person (like a teenager or a spouse).</li>
<li>The power balance needs to be restored/shared, so the person who is ‘closed’ finds a reason to open up.</li>
<li>Threatening, blackmailing and trickery rarely work in such situations, with a humble, submissive and empathetic person having a much better chance at being effective.</li>
</ul>

Forming A Connection

Whether it is a teenager, a boss, or a bank robber, one has to understand the communication style, quirks and language that is used, usually in these four major types:
<ol>
<li>T-Rex: The frank, forthright, and unfriendly person.</li>
<li>Lion: Confident and demanding.</li>
<li>Monkey: A social, warm and friendly person, who is unpredictable.</li>
<li>Mouse: A modest, humble and conflict-avoiding person, who may also be disengaged.</li>
</ol>

Communication Styles

According to leading counter-terrorism experts, the same methods that aid communication and co-operation with terrorists and criminal suspects can be applied at home and work to solve relationship issues.
As people turn hostile, and the conversation gets harder, the techniques usually used for gaining the trust and co-operation of violent criminals start to work on our loved ones.

Relationship Advice From Counter-Terrorism Experts

The successful interrogator who is looking to navigate a relationship minefield needs to know himself very well, and ‘sync’ it with the personality type of the other person and be able to do a verbal ballet dance, while staying nimble and flexible.
He/she needs to be sensitive and be able to adapt or change their style if needed.

The Interrogator Type

The ego is the enemy in any hostile relationship situation and the following four points need to be looked at:
<ol>
<li>Honesty: Always tell the truth.</li>
<li>Empathy: Try to relate to the other person, finding something common, or try to be in their shoes.</li>
<li>Autonomy: Respect the other person right of choice and decisions.</li>
<li>Reflection: Listen well and summarize what you have heard, ensuring the person understands that you have listened and understood perfectly well.</li>
</ol>

The HEAR Model For Approaching Hostile Relationships

<ol>
<li>The more we push someone to do something, the more they resist and rebel.</li>
<li>The more urgently we need information from someone, the harder it could get for us to get it out of a person.</li>
<li>Building rapport, and providing autonomy to the person help thaw out the relationship and get things moving.</li>
</ol>

Reverse Psychology

Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts | Parents and parenting | The Guardian

teamwork

Teamwork

Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts

Most of us are weary of disagreement, so a claim that disagreement can be productive is intriguing. 
Some of the common misconceptions with respect to disagreement are:
<ul>
<li>Arguments are bad.</li>
<li>They change people’s minds.</li>
<li>They come to an end.</li>
</ul>

The Art of Productive Disagreement

This is the internal voice that will tell you things such as “Take it or leave it” or “My way or the highway”. The voice of power isn't the ultimate conflict-resolution strategy, because you can’t argue with sheer force. Benson states that this what power does – it forcibly closes down arguments and ends conflict in your favour, which is an undeniable evolutionary advantage.

The Psychology Of Disagreements: The Voice Of Power

The voice of possibility encourages us very explicitly not to do what the other three voices – power, reason and avoidance – have made habitual in us, which is to find a way to uproot and kill the conflict. We need to develop ‘honest bias’ and listen to the fourth voice of possibility, leaving aside our ego to make a disagreement less about arguments and more about a mutual solution.

Don’t Listen To The Three Bad Voices!

This is the internal voice which will tell you things such as “Why?” or “That doesn’t add up”. The voice of reason is all about using reasons to shut down a debate. Benson argues that the voice of reason works best in situations where you have disagreements with people who share respect for the same higher authority or are part of the same group or organisation that your reasons draw from.

The Psychology Of Disagreements: The Voice Of Reason

This is the internal voice that tells you things such as “I would prefer not to” or “Leave me out of it”.Conflict avoiders have identified flaws in the voices of power and reason and so have chosen to address conflicts by simply refusing to participate in them in the first place.

The Psychology Of Disagreements: The Voice Of Avoidance

Make use of the following steps to implement the fourth voice:<ul><li>Watch how anxiety sparks inside the mind. </li><li>Talk to your internal voices.</li><li>Develop honest bias – There is no cure for bias, but we can develop an honest relationship to our own bias with self-reflection.</li><li>Speak for yourself.</li><li>Listen generously.</li><li>Ask questions that invite surprising answers.</li><li>Build arguments together.</li><li>Cultivate neutral spaces.</li><li>Accept reality, then participate in it.</li></ul>

The Voice Of Possibility At Work

The fourth voice, which is missing during a disagreement is the voice of possibility.This muted voice seeks to make conflict productive. This voice resonates in questions like: <ul><li>What are we missing?</li><li>What else is possible?</li><li>What else can we do with what we have?</li><li>Who else can we bring into the conversation to give us a new perspective?</li></ul>

The Psychology Of Disagreements: The Missing Voice

<ol><li>When you notice anxiety, pause and ask yourself: are you anxious about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful?</li><li>Ask the other party the same question. Do they give the same answer or something different?</li><li>Narrate out loud what each of you is anxious about. Reiterate how each of you answered the question to see if that leads to new connections for yourself or the other person.</li><li>Check to see if either of you is willing to switch to what the other is anxious about. Who has more cognitive dissonance happening and could use the other’s help?</li></ol>

How To Stop Anxiety To Overtake Your Disagreement

<ol><li>Truth 1: Arguments aren’t bad – They’re signposts to issues that need our attention.</li><li>Truth 2: Arguments aren’t about changing minds – They are about bringing minds together.</li><li>Truth 3: Arguments don’t end – They have deep roots and will pop back up again and again, asking us to engage with them.</li></ol>

The Three Truth About Disagreements

Have you ever walked away from an argument and suddenly thought of all the brilliant things you wish you'd said? Do you avoid certain family members and colleagues because of bitter, festering tension that you can't figure out how to address? Now, finally, there's a solution: a new framework that frees you from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing forever. If the threat of raised voices, emotional outbursts, and public discord makes you want to hide under the conference room table, you're not alone. Conflict, or the fear of it, can be exhausting. But as this powerful book argues, conflict doesn't have to be unpleasant. In fact, properly channeled, conflict can be the most valuable tool we have at our disposal for deepening relationships, solving problems, and coming up with new ideas. As the mastermind behind some of the highest-performing teams at Amazon, Twitter, and Slack, Buster Benson spent decades facilitating hard conversations in stressful environments. In this book, Buster reveals the psychological underpinnings of awkward, unproductive conflict and the critical habits anyone can learn to avoid it. Armed with a deeper understanding of how arguments, you'll be able to: • Remain confident when you're put on the spot • Diffuse tense moments with a few strategic questions • Facilitate creative solutions even when your team has radically different perspectives Why Are We Yelling will shatter your assumptions about what makes arguments productive. You'll find yourself having fewer repetitive, predictable fights once you're empowered to identify your biases, listen with an open mind, and communicate well.

books

Books

Have you ever walked away from an argument and suddenly thought of all the brilliant things you wish you'd said? Do you avoid certain family members and colleagues because of bitter, festering tension that you can't figure out how to address? Now, finally, there's a solution: a new framework that frees you from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing forever. If the threat of raised voices, emotional outbursts, and public discord makes you want to hide under the conference room table, you're not alone. Conflict, or the fear of it, can be exhausting. But as this powerful book argues, conflict doesn't have to be unpleasant. In fact, properly channeled, conflict can be the most valuable tool we have at our disposal for deepening relationships, solving problems, and coming up with new ideas. As the mastermind behind some of the highest-performing teams at Amazon, Twitter, and Slack, Buster Benson spent decades facilitating hard conversations in stressful environments. In this book, Buster reveals the psychological underpinnings of awkward, unproductive conflict and the critical habits anyone can learn to avoid it. Armed with a deeper understanding of how arguments, you'll be able to: <li>Remain confident when you're put on the spot</li><li>Diffuse tense moments with a few strategic questions</li><li>Facilitate creative solutions even when your team has radically different perspectives</li> Why Are We Yelling will shatter your assumptions about what makes arguments productive. You'll find yourself having fewer repetitive, predictable fights once you're empowered to identify your biases, listen with an open mind, and communicate well.

Buster Benson

Why Are We Yelling?

A toxic relationship is one where love is prioritized over everything else, including respect, trust, and affection for each other. It’s more than just a “rough patch”—it’s a recurring, long-term pattern of bad behavior on one or both sides.

Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal

Instead of saying something outright and out loud, a partner tries to nudge the other in the right direction of figuring it out.
It's a sign that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing anger or insecurity within a relationship.
State your feelings and desires openly! Make it clear that your partner is not responsible or obligated to those feelings, but that you’d love to have their support.

Dropping Hints

It's when one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole.Without the freedom to be honest, a couple will suppress their true thoughts and feelings leading to the creation of an environment of distrust and manipulation.Remember that two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.

Holding The Relationship Hostage

Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish and a classic example of the poor maintenance of <a href="https://markmanson.net/boundaries">personal boundaries</a>. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), this can easily lead to a codependent relationship.Take <a href="https://markmanson.net/fuck-your-feelings">responsibility for your own emotions</a> and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs in turn. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner.

Blaming Your Partner For Your Emotions

The relationship devolves into a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who is most indebted to the other.Not only are you deflecting the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to <a href="https://markmanson.net/manipulative-relationships">manipulate your partner</a> into feeling bad in the present.Accept yout partner for who he is! By choosing to be with your partner, you are choosing to be with all of their <a href="https://markmanson.net/one-trait">prior actions and behaviors</a>.

The Relationship Scorecard

Some people describe jealousy as some sort of display of affection, figuring, incorrectly, that if their partner isn’t jealous then that somehow means they don’t love them enough. Rather than being loving, jealousy is actually just controlling and manipulative.Completely trust your partner! Some jealousy is natural, but excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness, and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you.

Displays Of "Loving" Jealousy 

Whenever a major conflict comes up in a relationship, instead of solving it, you cover it up with the excitement that come with buying something nice.Not only does buying stuff brush the real problem under the rug but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship.Deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!

Buying The Solutions to Relationship Problems

The road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not an easy one. If you can do the following three things, you have a shot at making it work:<ul><li>BOTH partners are willing to change: if you’ve both expressed a genuine willingness to work things out, you may proceed…</li><li>BOTH partners recognize the lack of affection/trust/respect and are willing to work on it</li><li>BOTH partners can communicate in a healthy way without excessive blaming or judgment.</li></ul>

How to Turn a Toxic Relationship into a Healthy Relationship

Many toxic relationship habits are so baked into our culture that we accept them as normal. Here are 6 signs of toxic relationship you should never ignore.

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

Charisma: What Is It and How You Can Become More Charismatic

Improve your relationships – with advice from counter-terrorism experts

It's time to Read like a Pro.

Why Are We Yelling?

It's time to
Read like a Pro.