Miri Swift's Key Ideas from Kommunikationstraining
by Vera F. Birkenbihl

Be-oriented stroking: I am accepted for who I am

Do-oriented stroking: I am accepted/punished when I do good/bad

Stroking can be be-oriented or do-oriented; stroking can be positive (praise) or negative (punishment).

Think about the interaction with family members when you were growing up: mother, father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, ...

Place them in your stroke diagram.

Take a piece of paper and draw a self portrait of your entire body.

Read the next tile after you finished it and answer the questions.

1. How big did you draw yourself? What is the relationship between the figure you drew and the size of the page? Did you draw yourself in the center or in a corner? What do you conclude from this?
2. Have you portrayed yourself actively or passively? Are you standing, sitting or lying on the drawing? Are you running, jumping or skipping?
3. Did you hide by drawing yourself sitting in a car or standing behind a wall? If so, why?
4. Does your self-portrait look the world and the viewer openly in the eye? Are the eyes closed or even averted? What do you conclude from this?

1. Do you believe that your self-image reflects the inner attitude you have towards yourself?
2. If you reflect on your self-image for a long time, do you come to the conclusion that you actually see yourself quite positively or negatively?
3. If you see yourself as OK, be happy! But if you have a non-OK image of yourself, learn to present yourself more positively.

Learn to claim the whole page for yourself! Learn to draw yourself in such a way that your self-image looks the world in the eye! Learn to draw yourself in such a way that your self-image makes a positive impression on the observer!

• Optimal communication means: respecting the other's self-esteem
• We can only measure our own self-worth by comparing ourselves to others
• We are partially dependent on the evaluation of others to find our value
• However, we always receive this evaluation in the process of communication
• Whenever the self-esteem of the other is hurt, communication suffers
• Everything we do, we do ultimately to maintain, defend or improve our self-esteem
• Any failure to comply with an internalized rule or prohibition attacks our self-esteem

Factors for the Preservation of Self-Esteem:

1. Harmony with the conscience
2. Positive reactions from the environment toward one's self-image
3. Appreciation of the individual
4. Recognition of achievement

By listening to other people and responding to their needs, you can also fulfill your own needs.

Showing empathy is the key to a mutually satisfying interaction. The better you respond to the needs of the person you are talking to, the more your own needs will be met.

When discussing different viewpoints, remember subjective truth. Our truth is shaped by our experiences.

To avoid conflict, ask for clarification rather than making assumptions. Agreeing to disagree is a valid option.

✅ Communication tip: Instead of stating, "You're wrong" try asking, "Can you help me understand your perspective?"

Truth is not what is. Truth is what is perceived.

Both good and bad behavioral patterns are the result of learned processes. Every learned process can be changed. Just as you used to grow into your old communication patterns through emotional experiences, you can only develop into new, more positive communication behavior through new emotional experiences.

• 🧠 Fear costs energy
• 🚫 Suppression increases fear
• 😌 Acceptance can conquer your fears

Why doesn't punishment erase behavior?

Because we need recognition and because negative recognition is better than none at all.

An activity that earns us neither positive nor negative attention is not worth it.

We don't always have the energy to overlook wrong behavior. Then we force the other person with punishment, because this doesn't require as much energy and doesn't force us to deal with them as intensively.

However, praise is essential for every positive learning success.

It should also be known that sporadic praise is much more effective than regular praise.

If we truly want to learn how to communicate better with others, we must now emotionally anchor the theoretical knowledge we have acquired so far. Only through emotional processing can we learn to use it.

One can agree with theoretical information without deriving any benefit from it; because one knows oneself too little to know that one would personally have to learn to really engage with others.

By confronting oneself with one's own behavior, one can come to terms with the fact that one is making communication errors. Moreover, like this, one experiences firsthand what it feels like.