If you have to remind someone that they owe you one, chances are they don’t feel as if they do. Reminding them that they owe you a favor both makes the other person feel as if you’re trying to control them and it makes the other person feel as if you’re keeping a scorecard, and that’s fundamentally bad for relationships.

Reminding People That They Owe You One

Being part of a group implies occasional mutual reliance and reciprocity. Excessively apologizing and justifying a request for help implies that you don’t feel part of the group, increasing the gap between people and severing feelings of connectedness.Instead, make a request and offer appreciation when someone helps you.

Apologizing Profusely

It’s a common misconceptions that giving is not supposed to be about you. But choosing to help another is often, if not always, at least in part about how you see yourself and how helping will make you feel. And this is a good thing, because the benefits of helping to the helper provide a powerful source of motivation.

The Selfish Motivation For Helping

<ul>
<li>Strong sense of in-group: the belief that the person in need is on your team makes us more helpful to them as we care about what happens to the in-group. </li>
<li>Opportunity to reinforce the helper’s positive identity: people help more when they reflect on why it’s important to them to “be a benefactor to others.” </li>
<li>Opportunity to see one’s own effectiveness: people want to see or know the impact of the help they have given or will give.</li>
</ul>

Reinforcing People’s Helpfulness

Some feel the need to clarify that they are not asking for help out of laziness or weakness. Although understandable, the people asked to help this way may feel imposed upon as they can’t get a lot of personal satisfaction from helping you knowing that you hated having to ask.

Using Disclaimers

<ul><li>Other-praising: involves acknowledging and validating the character or abilities of the giver;</li><li>Self-benefit: which describes how the receiver is better off for having been given help. </li></ul>The former makes people feel better with themselves and that you are more grateful when compared to the latter.

2 types of gratitude expression

By minimizing our request, we also minimize the helper’s help and thus minimize any warm feelings the act of helping us might have generated.

Portraying Help As A Tiny Favor

Helping does make people happy, but reminding them of this generally drains the joy out of helping. It reeks of manipulation and control, undermining the helper’s sense of autonomy, and it’s very presumptive.

Emphasizing The Other Person's "Benefits"

Empathy is elicited when we perceive someone or something in need, when we value their welfare, and most importantly, when we take their perspective.Eliciting empathy can be a very effective way to obtain support. But it stops working the moment the pain becomes too great, as the person from whom you are trying to elicit empathy may shut down and try to get away.

Overdoing It On Empathy

One of the most common misconceptions about giving is that, if you are doing it right, it's entirely about the other person. That giving is not supposed to be about you. But this is nonsense. The choice to help another person is often, if not always, at least in part about how you see yourself and how helping will make you feel.

The Selfish Motivation For Helping

Similar ideas to The Selfish Motivation For Helping

The Value of a Respectful, Love Relationship

Helping 3rd World Countries Escape the Rat Race

Use healthier motivation habits.