deepstash

Beta

Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why

Rebel anger

Rebel anger is the anger of being pushed around, being told what to do, being trapped or confined.

Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time, and when other people tell or ask them to do something, they resist. This feeling of resistance can spark a lot of anger.

Angry cry of the Rebel: "Why do people keep telling me what to do?"

114 SAVES


This is a professional note extracted from an online article.

Read more efficiently

Save what inspires you

Remember anything

IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why

Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why

https://gretchenrubin.com/2019/07/four-tendencies-explains-anger

gretchenrubin.com

4

Key Ideas

Upholder anger

Upholders are very good at execution, and they often feel angry when others struggle in situations where an Upholder wouldn't: people that slow down processes with their questions; people that need deadlines, reminders, oversight, and accountability; people that won't do what they're supposed to do or even what they said they'd do.

Angry cry of the Upholder: "Why can't people just get their tasks done?"

Questioner anger

Questioners need reasons and justifications, and they're angry when other people act, or expect them to act, for reasons that are unexplained or arbitrary.

They're frustrated when others won't give them the answers they expect, or won't give them time to research.

Angry cry of the Questioner: "Why do people just follow along like lemmings, and expect me to do the same for no good reason?"

Obliger anger

Obligers feel the weight of outer expectations. Their anger is often tinged with resentment and indignation, a feeling of being exploited or neglected or treated unfairly. Of the 4 Tendencies, the Obliger Tendency is the biggest (for both men and women).

Angry cry of the Obliger: "Why am I the only one doing anything around here? Why am I meeting other people's expectations, but not meeting my expectations for myself?"

Rebel anger

Rebel anger is the anger of being pushed around, being told what to do, being trapped or confined.

Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time, and when other people tell or ask them to do something, they resist. This feeling of resistance can spark a lot of anger.

Angry cry of the Rebel: "Why do people keep telling me what to do?"

EXPLORE MORE AROUND THESE TOPICS:

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Anger and Aggression
  • Anger: An emotion felt when we believe we have been wronged.
  • Aggression: is an act of expression of the anger, by our words our actions. Aggression can be insults, sarcas...
Validation and Boundaries
  • We can try and validate the anger felt by an individual by making them know that their anger is maybe justified while putting firm but respectful boundaries on their aggression.
  • We then need to be clear about what type of aggression we are willing to tolerate, setting boundaries on the unacceptable.
  • We may have to put our foot down and be ready to leave the conversation or escalate the issue, without falling into the trap of guilt and emotion.
  • If possible, we need to restart the conversation when things have cooled down, and diffuse the issue in a calm way.
Avoiding Speculative Self-Talk

Unchecked self-talk can easily turn into self-delusion. The stories we create almost always make you look like the good guy and cannot be termed as objective.

  • The way to get out of this speculative self-delusion is to avoid any speculation about other people's anger, at least initially.
  • Make sure to note down the facts of the situation. This can make the story less according to your gut instinct, and more towards the objective reality.

one more idea

Dealing with your anger

Anger leads us to poor decisions, regrettable behavior, or hurt feelings. However, some anger leads to more significant consequences, like strained relationships or legal trouble.

The key to ...

Anger ≠ aggression

Anger is an emotion, while aggression is a behavior. They differ entirely in one central dimension - control.

  • You can't control your emotions directly. In the legal system, nobody gets sent to prison for how they felt, regardless of how angry they were. They get punished for what they do.
  • You can influence your emotions indirectly by how you think and behave. For example, when you focus on how terrible all the drivers in your town are, your anger will likely increase. But, if you listen to music and think about how grateful you are, your anger will probably subside.
Expressing anger

While you can't control your emotions of anger directly, you have control over your aggression, which is a decision to express your anger.

Aggression does not only involve acts of violence. Being overly-critical or judgmental of someone in your mind is an act of aggression, as is replying sarcastically or rolling your eyes at someone.

6 more ideas

Instruments for living better

The most important tool at our disposal for living better  - other people.

The people we surround ourselves with are the biggest influence on our behavior, attitudes, and results....

Darren Hardy
Darren Hardy

“The people you habitually associate with, determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.”

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

2 more ideas