Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why - Deepstash

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Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why

https://gretchenrubin.com/2019/07/four-tendencies-explains-anger

gretchenrubin.com

Do You Struggle with Anger? The "Four Tendencies" Framework Helps Explain Why
In my constant examination of happiness and human nature, I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness stumbling blocks-the challenges, frustrations, limitations, and disappointments that drag us down. And for that reason, I think a lot about anger. This is an issue for me. I have a short fuse; I flare up quickly.

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Upholder anger

Upholders are very good at execution, and they often feel angry when others struggle in situations where an Upholder wouldn't: people that slow down processes with their questions; people that need deadlines, reminders, oversight, and accountability; people that won't do what they're supposed to do or even what they said they'd do.

Angry cry of the Upholder: "Why can't people just get their tasks done?"

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Questioner anger

Questioners need reasons and justifications, and they're angry when other people act, or expect them to act, for reasons that are unexplained or arbitrary.

They're frustrated when others won't give them the answers they expect, or won't give them time to research.

Angry cry of the Questioner: "Why do people just follow along like lemmings, and expect me to do the same for no good reason?"

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Obliger anger

Obligers feel the weight of outer expectations. Their anger is often tinged with resentment and indignation, a feeling of being exploited or neglected or treated unfairly. Of the 4 Tendencies, the Obliger Tendency is the biggest (for both men and women).

Angry cry of the Obliger: "Why am I the only one doing anything around here? Why am I meeting other people's expectations, but not meeting my expectations for myself?"

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Rebel anger

Rebel anger is the anger of being pushed around, being told what to do, being trapped or confined.

Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time, and when other people tell or ask them to do something, they resist. This feeling of resistance can spark a lot of anger.

Angry cry of the Rebel: "Why do people keep telling me what to do?"

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Anger and Aggression

  • Anger: An emotion felt when we believe we have been wronged.
  • Aggression: is an act of expression of the anger, by our words our actions. Aggressio...

Validation and Boundaries

  • We can try and validate the anger felt by an individual by making them know that their anger is maybe justified while putting firm but respectful boundaries on their aggression.
  • We then need to be clear about what type of aggression we are willing to tolerate, setting boundaries on the unacceptable.
  • We may have to put our foot down and be ready to leave the conversation or escalate the issue, without falling into the trap of guilt and emotion.
  • If possible, we need to restart the conversation when things have cooled down, and diffuse the issue in a calm way.

Avoiding Speculative Self-Talk

Unchecked self-talk can easily turn into self-delusion. The stories we create almost always make you look like the good guy and cannot be termed as objective.

  • The way to get out of this speculative self-delusion is to avoid any speculation about other people's anger, at least initially.
  • Make sure to note down the facts of the situation. This can make the story less according to your gut instinct, and more towards the objective reality.

A judgmental attitude

A judgmental attitude

Being hypercritical and judgmental is often unconsciously learned. It seems to fill a need such as making one feel powerful or smart where one is feeling sad or bored.

You may fee...

Positive and negative reinforcement and judgmental attitudes

Positive and negative reinforcement is powerful to sustain many habits. For example, drugs alleviate negative feelings and add positive ones.

Similarly, a habit of judgmentalness can be positively reinforced, such as the thrill of being right or feeling intellectually superior. But the biggest positive emotion while being judgmental is self-righteous anger.

Anger is a positive reinforcer

We often classify anger as negative because the outcomes are negative. But anger itself is positive when we separate it from its surrounding thoughts and behaviours.

When we assess an injustice, we often conclude that something is wrong, but that I am right! The feeling of anger is a sense of power, agency, control, pride, and righteousness. It leads to a pleasurable emotional experience.