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5 Simple Steps to Assertive Communication
List behavior, results, and feelings
Include the results of their behavior, in factual terms:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
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Key Ideas
Assertive communication
It empowers you to draw necessary boundaries with people that will allow you to get your needs met in relationships without alienating others and without letting resentment and anger creep in.
Many people mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness, but assertiveness is actually the balanced middle ground between aggressiveness and passivity.
Be factual, not judgmental
... especially when it comes to things you don't like.
When approaching someone about the behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that has upset you, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgment.
Be accurate and avoid exaggerations
Being factual about what you don't like in someone's behavior (without overdramatizing) is an important start.
The same should be done in describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe.
Use “I Messages”
A sentence starting with “You...” comes off as more of a judgment or an attack and puts people on the defensive.
If you start with “I,” the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame.
Use the right formula
A great formula that puts it all together: “When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”
When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you.
List behavior, results, and feelings
Include the results of their behavior, in factual terms:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
Tips for communicating assertively
- Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
- Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
- Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
- When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
- Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met.
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Dealing with your anger
Anger leads us to poor decisions, regrettable behavior, or hurt feelings. However, some anger leads to more significant consequences, like strained relationships or legal trouble.
The key to ...
Anger ≠ aggression
Anger is an emotion, while aggression is a behavior. They differ entirely in one central dimension - control.
- You can't control your emotions directly. In the legal system, nobody gets sent to prison for how they felt, regardless of how angry they were. They get punished for what they do.
- You can influence your emotions indirectly by how you think and behave. For example, when you focus on how terrible all the drivers in your town are, your anger will likely increase. But, if you listen to music and think about how grateful you are, your anger will probably subside.
Expressing anger
While you can't control your emotions of anger directly, you have control over your aggression, which is a decision to express your anger.
Aggression does not only involve acts of violence. Being overly-critical or judgmental of someone in your mind is an act of aggression, as is replying sarcastically or rolling your eyes at someone.
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Key Ideas
Effective communication
... is imperative for every successful business. Poor communication inevitably causes misunderstandings, confusion and conflicts that hinder productivity and professi...
Effective Communication is vital in business
- It helps to create effective brand messaging. It determines how your brand is perceived and also builds trust with customers.
- Customer service relies on good communication. "60% of consumers have stopped doing business with a brand due to a poor customer service experience." Microsoft’s 2016 Global State of Customer Service Report.
- It enables positive team relationships. Effective communication helps to unite teams and create a safe environment to express themselves.
It helps to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. It can help to defuse a potentially explosive dispute while bad communication can set it off.
Worst Communication Mistakes
- Using a One-Size-Fits-All Communication Approach. Tailor the communication style to the intended audience.
- Speaking More and Listening Less. Listen to what is said, how it is said, and to what is not said.
- Assuming Instead of Asking More Questions.
- Using Negative Tone. Choose words carefully to eliminate negative reactions.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations.
Reacting, Not Responding.
Not Keeping an Open Mind. Accept and respect differences, listen without judgment and consider all sides of an issue.
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Key Ideas
Defining Boundaries
The word “boundary” can leave the impression of separation.
But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or profess...
The benefits of boundaries
- Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem. They protect relationships from becoming unsafe.
- Boundaries can be flexible. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess them.
- Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy. Without them, self-esteem and identity can be affected, and you can build resentment toward others.
- Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable.
Determine your borders
Our boundaries are shaped by
- our heritage or culture
- the region we live in or come from
- whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
- our life experiences
- our family dynamics
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