Relationship as a partnership - Deepstash

deepstash

Beta

Get an account to save ideas & make your own & organize them how you wish.

deepstash

Beta

Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

Relationship as a partnership

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

870 SAVES


This is a professional note extracted from an online article.

Read more efficiently

Save what inspires you

Remember anything

IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

Why we sabotage romantic relationships - and what we can do about it

https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-sabotage-romantic-relationships-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

ideas.ted.com

4

Key Ideas

Stop entering relationships

... that you know are doomed.  We should not be pursuing every relationship that comes our way, but only those relationships that have the potential to work.

Get curious about how you act

... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.

Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.

Relationship as a partnership

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

Be kind to yourself

Your reasons for developing self-sabotaging behaviors most likely spring from an understandable and human place. 

The way out of it is to have insight into who you are in a relationship. Your partner will also have a chance to get to know you, and together you can break the pattern to sabotage.

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Defensive failure

It's what occurs when we want to achieve something and we think about it constantly but we don't do it.

This happens because of a few mental blocks that are keeping us locked in this c...

“I just don’t think I can do this”

Experiencing a rocky start is enough sometimes to discourage us from going any further and we convince ourselves we don't have what it takes to do a certain task.

How to outsmart it: Develop a growth mindset and try to see each failure as just an opportunity to learn.

“People like me aren’t good at this”

While our identities can give us a sense of meaning and a place in the world, sometimes they can get in our way when we’re attempting new things: many of us will avoid doing anything that threatens our sense of self.

How to outsmart it: Find people like you, that are doing the things you'd like to do and share your concerns with them.

one more idea

Manage your feelings when in a relationship

Anger and frustration can result in great harm when expressed. When you experience these feelings towards your partner, try to calm down before starting a quarrel, which would only just injure your...

A balanced relationship is a happy relationship

As you most probably know, making sure there is balance at every level in your relationship will only strengthen your connection with your better half. Therefore, take all the necessary steps to ensure that whenever one of you has a bad day, the other one is there to cheer him or her up.

Efficient communication within a relationship

Whenever you feel like asking something to your partner, try saying it in a polite and affectionate way, avoiding reproaches while making sure that you set the direction of your relationship up for success.

Healthy skepticism
Healthy skepticism
Healthy skepticism does not mean you’re dismissing everything as false — it simply means remembering the things you hear or read in the media could be false, but they could also be true. O...
Find out who is making the claim

When you encounter a new claim, look for conflicts of interest. Ask: Do they stand to profit from what they say? Are they affiliated with an organization that could be swaying them? Other questions to consider: What makes the writer or speaker qualified to comment on the topic? What statements have they made in the past?

The halo effect

Is a cognitive bias that makes our feeling towards someone affect how we judge their claims. If we dislike someone, we are a lot more likely to disagree with them; if we like them, we are biased to agree.

2 more ideas

Dee Hock - Founder of Visa Credit Card

“If you look to lead, invest at least 40 percent of your time managing yourself.”

Dee Hock - Founder of Visa Credit Card
Shortcomings of leaders

Being a leader is a little like being a parent. You have all the best intentions of how great you will be and how you will avoid the mistakes you see other people make.

But, people in a leadership role find it is not that easy; they have too much to do and not enough time; they don't properly think through their priorities; they assume that people beneath them will take care of a lot of problems.

Do a "character traits check"
  • Think of someone you thought was a bad leader and list any of the negative behaviors they displayed.
  • Ask yourself if you share any of those behaviors — score 1 for not likely to 5 for very likely: for instance, someone who kept important information away from employees, a micromanager, a vague communicator, a yeller, someone who didn't keep their word.
  • After you identify your potential areas of improvement, make a plan for how you'll work on them.

2 more ideas

Take control

Most of us are unable to do our best thinking when we're under stress at work. The problem is, it is often the time when we need to be at our best.

Even though we can't make stress go...

How our brains process information

Our brains process information in two ways:

  • Fast: Our fast brain is highly efficient, and makes decisions automatically by focusing on a few details it finds important, based on past experience.
  • Slow: Our slow brain uses control processing to make decisions, and takes into account more information.

Our brains spend most of their time in fast mode. However, we should avoid relying on our fast brain when we are in a new situation or when we are under stress.

How to counteract your fast brain
  • Pay attention: Your brain will default to making fast decisions, not accurate ones. 
  • Take some deep breaths. It will help you calm your nervous system.
  • Be curious. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself. Then ask if it is true.

With practice, you can learn to control your brain's knee-jerk reactions in distressing situations.

Misunderstanding body language

Contrary to popular belief, body language in the context of public speaking is more than hand and arm gesture.

It means adjusting the way we stand, move and smile to capture and hold the atte...

What puts an audience off
  • We indicate that we are feeling threatened when we take a step back or we show any sign of a closed body language.
  • Crossing our arms also shows nervousness and it puts our audience in a defensive mode.
  • Your end up showing that you feel superior to the rest of the room if you tilt your head backward.
Match your gestures to your message

Match your gestures to your words.
We are visual creatures, and any movement used in the right way in this direction will spark the attention of your audience. Just try not to abuse this rule.

5 more ideas

First Impressions

Usually, when we meet or see a person, we create a first impression in our minds, almost unconsciously.

But the snap judgements, or quick conclusions our mind starts to entertain in the first...

The Receiving End

A snap judgement, or an unfair first impression can be a learning experience for the one who has made it, but it can also be a lifetime scar for the one on the receiving end, as it can stick with them.

The Stare

We have a natural instinct to stare at someone to gather information and categorize the person as safe or dangerous.

It is valid in some situations but it can also be hurtful and antagonizing to the other person.

2 more ideas

Networking is necessary

We have to get over the belief that being competent and qualified means we shouldn't need help finding a new job.

We feel this way because networking makes us feel vulnerable. We are a...

Networking is effective

Hiring managers want job candidates whom they know they can trust. That is why they prefer candidates who come through personal referrals.

Referrals have a 50 percent chance of getting an interview, while non-referrals have only a 3 percent chance. Referrals or internal candidates fill up to 80 percent of jobs.

How to network

Networking is not just talking to strangers - it is also initiating career conversations with your existing acquaintances.

Keep these questions in mind: Can your siblings, neighbors, friends, hairdresser or other regular contacts describe your aspirations and particular expertise in one or two sentences? Can you explain theirs?

one more idea

Language as a tool
When students are learning a new language, it is notable that some can express their thoughts beautifully with a limited vocabulary. Still, others that know the language much better struggle to m...
The struggle

Some people have a fear of being wrong. They measure success by how few mistakes they make.

Some people know what the language should sound like, where they are at currently, and how far they have to go to get there.

Where to put your focus

Speaking a language is not like those exams that many of us had to take in grade school, where a tiny grammar mistake would lose you marks.

In the real world, small errors don't matter. What matters is to make yourself understood. 

Don't focus on yourself or on your own mistakes. Focus on the other person you're talking to and the result you want to get. 

The journey through suffering

The five stages of grief are described as anger, bargaining, denial, depression, and acceptance. Yet, when a tragedy strike, we already know how bad things are. What is most needed is hope.

Suffering as part of life

We live in an age where many feel that they are entitled to a perfect life. But at some stage, everyone will face a tragedy.

When tough times do come, resilient people seem to recognize that suffering is part of every human life. Understanding this stops you from feeling discriminated against when trouble comes.

Directing your attention

Resilient people typically manage to focus on the things they can change and accept the things they can't.

Don't get swallowed up by your troubles. Don't lose what you still have to what you have lost.

3 more ideas