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6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

Examine your history

This goes back to your childhood. 

For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.

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6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

https://thriveglobal.com/stories/6-ways-to-stop-sabotaging-your-relationships/

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Key Ideas

Sabotaging behaviors

  • You are controlling and rigid in the way that others should treat you and are easily disappointed. 
  • You have issues with real intimacy. 
  • You tell yourself internally that this relationship will never work because you inherently feel inside that you’re not good enough. 
  • You are sure that it’s only your partner that is the one at fault.
  • You constantly test your partner's love for you.

Examine your history

This goes back to your childhood. 

For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.

You are part of the problem

If you have a fear of abandonment and rejection and you are constantly ‘setting’ up scenarios that lead to your disappointment, you are the puppeteer controlling this. 

Characteristics you want

Many times, we choose a partner whose basic values are totally different than ours. It is critical that what is important to your partner matches what is important to you.

Watch for signs to determine what is important to your significant other. This can prevent the tendency to walk into a bad situation.

Stop having a victim attitude

When you see yourself as the ‘poor me’ victim, your actions will confirm a negative view of yourself.

Don’t obsess about past mistakes in life. Let go of unrealistic expectations and visions of where you ‘should be’.

Learning from a damaging relationship

Remember certain ‘destructive’ traits that your former partners had and try to make a conscious effort to choose a different type.

We should not only learn from the bad choices that we make but learn from the mistakes of others to avoid making them ourselves. In that way, we can move from being our own worst enemy to being our own best friend.

Change your thinking patterns

  1. Have a keen awareness of your thinking patterns. When you have negative thinking you need to change it to a solution.
  2. You need to be in the business of passionately solving your problems. Try looking at the event from a different perspective.
  3. Notice when you feel an emotion about something, and then preempt the feeling before you let it completely take over in your mind. 

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Why You Self-Sabotage

For many people, the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment keep them out of relationships.

These fears are based on false beliefs, such as success or failure defines my worth as...

How You Self-Sabotage

Relationships:

  • You keep yourself isolated.
  • You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
  • You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.

Work:

  • You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
  • You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
  • You stay in a job that you hate.
  • You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.
Healing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior
  • Notice self-judgments.
  • Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others.
  • Consciously see mistakes and failure as stepping stones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth. 
  • Learn to be kind and compassionate toward your own feelings
  • Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself. 
You have an eye on the exit

You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?

Because comm...

You gaslight your partner

The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real. 

For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it." 

You are known as a "serial dater"

You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle. 

You don't want to be seen as a "player" but you can't seem to find someone who you can commit to.

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Happily Ever After

If you believe in that myth, you’re not going to take the responsibility required to create a great relationship.

You have to be ready and willing to work for your relationship. It doesn’t j...

Beliefs About Change

People can change if they want to.

Remember that change can be scary, so it's important to be loving and supportive of your partner.

Who's More Prone To Cheat

Not all men are cheaters, and believing so can make you less trusting and more paranoid of your partner.

If you want a solid bond, you have to trust your significant other and communicate if you have concerns about his fidelity.

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Understand your attachment style

We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can becom...

Identify your triggers

Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?

Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.

Be mindful of your behavior

Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.

It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.

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Stop entering relationships

... that you know are doomed.  We should not be pursuing every relationship that comes our way, but only those relationships that have the potential to work.

Get curious about how you act

... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.

Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.

Relationship as a partnership

It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.

The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.

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Our relationships impact our brains

Your brain is the place that processes where you perceive, understand, remember, evaluate, desire, and respond to people.

How we perceive people are a mix of who they are and w...

Transference
It is a psychological phenomenon in which conversational or relational partners activate earlier memories. As a result, we may unconsciously repeat conflicts from the past that have nothing to do with the current relationship.

What you can do: Ask yourself, “Am I responding to this person, or am I mixing them up with someone from the past?”

Emotional contagion

Our emotions can be easily transferred to another person without us even knowing about this. This can also happen through large-scale social networks without in-person interactions or nonverbal cues. Our negative emotions such as anger are transferred more easily than positive ones. 

What you can do: Be aware when your partner or colleague “makes” you angry. You may not actually be angry with them, but instead, mistaking their anger for yours when your brain reflects their feeling states.

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Codependent vs Interdependent

Codependency in relationships means being overly preoccupied with your partner to the point of losing your own sense of who you are and what you need. 

Partners in an interdependent or s...

Keep Working On Yourself

The key to making your relationship more interdependent is to take stock of your life. Find purpose and meaning outside of your relationship. 

Not only will it make you happier and better as a person, but it may also improve intimacy and passion in your relationship.

Have Regular "Friend Dates"
Counting on your partner to be your person for everything can put a ton of pressure on them. 

It’s healthy to have regular time with your friends without your partner. A little time apart also creates mystique and plays into that tried but true adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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Manage your feelings when in a relationship

Anger and frustration can result in great harm when expressed. When you experience these feelings towards your partner, try to calm down before starting a quarrel, which would only just injure your...

A balanced relationship is a happy relationship

As you most probably know, making sure there is balance at every level in your relationship will only strengthen your connection with your better half. Therefore, take all the necessary steps to ensure that whenever one of you has a bad day, the other one is there to cheer him or her up.

Efficient communication within a relationship

Whenever you feel like asking something to your partner, try saying it in a polite and affectionate way, avoiding reproaches while making sure that you set the direction of your relationship up for success.

A “power imbalance” in a relationship

Power in relationships is the ability of each person in the relationship to influence each other and direct the relationship.

Being in control makes people feel good and may place the ...

Negative relationship dynamics

  • The demand-withdrawal dynamic. One partner seeks change, discussion and a resolution to issues within the relationship, while the other partner is withdrawn, and tries to avoid the issues.
  • The distancer-pursuer dynamic. One person tries to achieve a certain degree of intimacy with their partner, while the other considers this affection to be "smothering."
  • The fear-shame dynamic. The fear and insecurity of one partner would bring out the shame and avoidance in the other. 

Positive power struggle

Not all power struggles are destructive. Some types of power struggles allow growth within the relationship and encourage a deeper understanding and respect for each other.

While it is still a struggle, by the end of it, you have reached an understanding about which lines can be crossed, which not, and how much each partner is able to compromise.

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On Commitment

Commitment begins with desire. Each person has to want it and be willing to sacrifice for the other. It takes shifting the way we view ourselves and giving up something, in order to g...

1. Positive Experiences

A great confidence and commitment builder in a relationship is a shared, positive experience with the person you love. Think of the identity of your relationship — how you and your partner perceive it to be.

Take the negative, funny things and turn them into positive experiences. And take the positive experiences and live through the memories and build toward new experiences.

2. Committing In Thoughts And Actions

There will be easy, seamless days, but there will also be conflict and struggle. Relationships take work. Value your time with your partner.

Go “all in” and think about what will make that person happy, ways to improve your relationship or to help ease their burden. Show with words and actions that you care. 

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