Another destructive phenomenon is focusing on a spouse or partner’s negative traits. The other person usually has innumerable positive qualities that are forgotten in the face of their “flaw.” Over time the “story” we tell ourselves can become so strong it can break apart an otherwise great relationship. If you realized that you were just projecting your own negative perception of yourself onto him or her, you might think twice about verbalizing your thoughts. You might as well talk into a bullhorn and broadcast, “This is what I think about me.”

ANTs And Relationships

In the error of labeling, a frequently late spouse becomes “inconsiderate.” A forgetful <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adolescence">teenager </a>becomes “irresponsible.” In the act of labeling, especially negative labeling, you’re overlooking the details of a given set of circumstances and also someone’s good qualities. You have limited your capacity to enjoy interacting with them.

Labelling Other

What is more convoluted is that your identity becomes dependent on being accepted and validated by others but it is more powerful to withhold approval or even <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bullying">bully </a>someone that you perceive is weaker. This circular power struggle continues throughout life unless you understand and use the tools that will pull you out of this game.

A Vicious Circle

To better understand the story concept, consider common situations where the brain focuses on a self-perceived flaw that is not physically painful. It might be your height, weight, the shape of your body, or even an individual body part. The brain will focus on the negative judgments that ramp up our emotions because that is what is supposed to do—be on the lookout for danger. What does all of this have to do with being in pain? It fires up our flight-or-fight response, is inflammatory, sensitizes our <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/neuroscience">nervous system</a>, and we feel more pain.

These Stories Tend To Be Rough And Inflexible Self-criticisms

It becomes even more complicated when you begin to understand how the human brain works and that much, if not most of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) is based on cognitive distortions. Dr. David Burns, in his bestselling book, Feeling Good, categorizes them into 10 “errors of thinking.” He uses the term “ANTs” to describe them, which stands for “Automatic Negative Thoughts.” Some of the categories are:<ul><li>Labelling</li><li>“Should thinking”</li><li>Minimizing the positive</li><li>Emphasizing the negative—“not good enough”</li></ul>

10 Errors Of Thinking - The ANTs

Self-esteem is a disaster at every conceivable level as it not only separates you from others, but you also can’t even work your way back to find out who they really are. And what about the effects on you? You are not connected to yourself. It requires a tremendous amount of mental energy to create and maintain your ego, and it is just a collective opinion of what the world has programmed you to be.

Self-Esteem Is Often More Of ASafety Hazard Than A Safety Net

Then there are the labels we have for ourselves: You knock something over and call yourself “clumsy.” If a lover breaks up with you, then you’re “unlovable.” Rehashing these critical self-judgments in our minds turns them into deeply embedded stories. Such stories are much harder to move on from than single judgments. Once a judgment sets into a story, you tend to lose perspective. Over time, faulty thinking becomes your version of reality.

Labelling Ourselves

We are programmed from birth to be a certain way or not based on the opinions of our parents, siblings, teachers, peers, and society. Each input is processed by your brain to create your version of life and how to best live it. The problem is that we are living out these stories, but we are not necessarily connected to who we actually are.

These Stories Involve Judgement And Labelling

The unconsciousness survival response, which is the source for the sensation we call <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anxiety">anxiety </a>, is far more powerful than our conscious brain. The personal and societal consequences are severe. Our “<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/identity">identity </a>” is defined by our mental constructs of ourselves, most of which are created by the perceptions and reactions of those close to us. This is even a bigger problem if you were raised in a chaotic or abusive environment. Instead of feeling safe and connected, you are constantly “on alert” and you also have to build your own identity (façade).

The Problem Is That This Can’t Work And Doesn’t Work

You may be unaware how much of your identity is wrapped up in creating and reinforcing these stories about who you are. So, you may spend a lot of time in an agitated state and not understand why.But awareness of these stories is what can dissolve them. These perceived thought distortions are just as damaging as real threats, but with awareness, you can separate from them, and then redirect your <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attention">attention </a>where you choose. You don’t have to “fix” them because they are not real (even though they seem that way). You can train your brain to let go and move past them.

Why The Awareness Of The Stories Is Important

You can’t fix this human need to define our reality through stories. It is at the core of human language and consciousness. But by becoming aware of their impact on you and others, maybe my they will lose their power, and you’ll be free.

Remember That Stories Are Versions, TalesMaybe Even Lies

These “stories” we have about ourselves that we project onto the world are the way we create our egos. One term for this is “<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-esteem">self-esteem </a>.” It is a deadly process that is the root cause of many bad behaviors. Humans are focused on not being vulnerable because it threatens survival. We also know that emotional pain is as disruptive (or more) to your well-being as physical pain. So, we spend a tremendous amount of energy on appearing powerful—both to ourselves and the world.

And These Stories Make Up Our Self-Esteem

Imagine someone at work walked by you and didn’t acknowledge you. You might think they’re upset with you about a situation that occurred the day before. The error in thinking, in this case, would be “mind-reading.” You can’t read other people’s minds. It’s possible that the other person had just received some bad news and wasn’t engaging with anyone. But you don’t really know. Making assumptions consumes emotional energy.

An Example Of An Error In Thinking

Much of one's identity or self-esteem revolves around the “stories” one creates to make sense of the world. Many people's stories involve judgment and labelling, which are cognitive distortions. They aren't real, although they seem so. Once one becomes aware of the nature of these stories, it's easier to let go and move on.

What We Are Is Often A Sum Of Stories

Much of our life energy is consumed by our efforts to define our "self.” It’s critical therefore for us to understand that our “identity” is in fact defined by our mental constructs of ourselves, most of which are created by the perceptions and reactions of others. 

Self-Esteem Is Often More Of ASafety Hazard Than A Safety Net

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