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1) The spark is either there or it isn’t
Truth: the spark can grow over time, it takes time for people to grow on someone
2) The spark is always a good thing
Truth: sometimes there’s a spark just because the person is charismatic or hot
3) The spark means the relationship is going to workout
Truth: the spark doesn’t guarantee a great long-term connection
People disproportionately remember things on how they end so try to end the date on a high note such as giving them a meaningful compliment or sharing a dessert at the end of dinner.
It’s easier to meet people now than ever before, however, dating is harder now than ever because:
The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship.
It’s okay if you go on a first date and don’t feel the “spark” or instant chemistry. Oftentimes it takes time to develop that chemistry.
Create a rule of thumb that you always go on a second date unless something really dramatic and bad happens on the first date
Attachment theory is one of the most rigorously researched elements of relationship science. It is based on how kids related to their primary caregiver.
There are 3 main types of attachment:
Anxiously attached: These people have a fear of their partner abandoning them and constantly want to be in touch with them.
Avoidant attached: These people have a fear that they will be smothered by the relationship and constantly pull back from intimacy.
Securely attached: These people are comfortable with intimacy but also comfortable with their independence.
Our mindset matters! The ability to shift your mindset from soul mate to work-it-out beliefs could mean the difference between finding a life partner or not.
People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process.
Our belief in fate and fairy tales—caused in part by Disney movies, rom-coms, and social media—creates unrealistic expectations for finding and sustaining relationships. Remember, no one is perfect, including you. Even Prince Charming has morning breath.
Breakups wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health. However, what you feel during a breakup is only temporary.
Journaling helps. Write about the positive aspects of the breakup, and the negative aspects of the relationship, to help yourself move forward.
You can regain your sense of identity, which is often disrupted by a breakup, by participating in “rediscover yourself” activities—things that you enjoyed doing previously but gave up during your relationship.
You can grow from the experience by focusing on what you learned and what you’ll do differently in the future.
The Happily Ever After fallacy is the false idea that finding someone is the hard part of finding love
The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, understanding different relationship phases, and navigating the ups and downs
Finding somebody is challenging, but that’s not where the hard work ends.
Securely attached people are about 50% of the population but because they’re good at relationships, they tend to be taken and are good at making relationships work
Try to date someone who is securely attached or work on becoming more secure yourself
Relationships are built, they’re not discovered.
Instead of focusing on instant chemistry with your date, focus on the slow burn. The slow burn is the person who gets better over time and would make a great long-term partner.
Way too often people are rejecting partners that could be potentially great matches long term because they didn’t feel this instant spark.
Have hard conversations to make sure both of you are heading in the same direction before getting married:
Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.
By waiting to date, Hesitaters miss out on a chance to develop their dating skills and figure out what type of person they want to be with.
Here’s how you can learn to overcome your hesitation:
"Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need." — Margart Mead
Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before. But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioural science, we can take control of our love lives.
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