The most interesting finding of the study is the deep ambivalence we find when people respond to close others' unethical actions. There is a surprising irony in people's responses, that by protecting close others, the self seems to bear some of the burden of their misbehavior. We seem to maintain our relationships with unethical close others by reacting leniently, but our moral values still lead us to still feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty about their actions.

A Burden (We Feel) We Want To Share And Carry, But Really Can’t

If our loved ones behave in a way that violates our moral values, what do we do? One option to maintain our moral values is to distance ourselves from close others who transgress by exiting the relationship, but given our reliance on those we care about, this is extremely costly. It is far less costly, and preferable, to avoid seeing a close other negatively even in the face of their bad behavior. Leniency allows us to maintain our relationships.

Why Are We Lenient To Those Close To Us?

However, at the same time, participants also exhibited harsher responses towards themselves, such as greater embarrassment, shame, and guilt and sometimes even lower ratings of their own morality when close others compared to strangers transgressed.

But By Bending Our Morals We Make Ourselves Feel Bent

We are grappling with a dilemma that so many people have faced these past few weeks: How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?The ambivalence we feel when confronted with close others' bad behavior is difficult to reconcile. When faced with a loved ones' unethical behavior, it's important to reflect on our moral values and whether the act itself fits within those values.

Α Question To Ask Ourselves: Does This Act Fit (With) Me?

People place great value on their close relationships. People are committed to their loved ones, have investments in their relationships, and rely on their close others to fulfill fundamental needs.However, people also care deeply about being moral. Most individuals internalize the desire to be a good person and avoid contact, let alone connection, to another unethical person.

Why Do We Become The Rope In This Tug-Of-War?

The study also finds some evidence that people tend to attribute close others' bad behavior more to situational factors (e.g., "He was so drunk that he was not thinking clearly") rather than internal, trait-based factors (e.g., "He is vindictive and petty") compared to a stranger's bad behavior where we find the opposite. Attributing bad behavior to the situation again allows us to view our close others in a more positive light.

“It Was The Situation, Not The Person”

Despite responding more leniently towards close others who transgress, people felt worse about themselves when people they love misbehave by feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. This finding is anticipated by the research on moral contagion.The study finds evidence that having a connection to the perpetrator, through a close bond, may enhance the sense that a close other's bad behavior somehow reflects upon you.

Contracting Immorality And Looking It

When judging a close others' bad behavior, we tend to view the act itself as less unethical.For instance, people judge the unethical act of putting a bar bill on someone else's hotel tab as less unethical if it's committed by a romantic partner or friend compared to if it was committed by a stranger. By viewing the act itself as less bad, we're in turn able to perceive our close others less negatively, maintaining our relationship.

We Judge The Deed According To The Doer And Then Both Separately

When confronted with unethical actions, participants reacted more leniently to close others, reporting less anger and disgust toward them, rating them as less unethical, and reporting less of a desire to punish or criticize them compared to strangers. Interestingly, participants also reported only a minimal impact on their relationship with those close others.

We Bend Our Morals So As To Not Break Our Relationships

Past research tells us a lot about how we respond to a stranger's unethical behavior, but very little about how we respond when the perpetrator is someone we care deeply about.When someone close to us behaves unethically, we face a conflict between upholding our moral values and maintaining our relationship.

Morals Or Relationships? The Conflict That Inspired The Study

For example, if a person finds out their romantic partner spread an untrue rumor about one of their coworkers, they tend to feel guilty and ashamed of the behavior, even though they didn't do anything wrong themselves. This is likely due to the shared sense of identity we have with those we care about and therefore we feel partially at fault when they behave badly.

“I Am Part Of You, Therefore I Am Involved In Your Actions”

A new study investigates why we might be too easy on our loved ones' (and too harsh on ourselves) when they indulge in unethical behavior. Psychologist Rachel Forbes, the author of the paper, discusses how we behave when the ones we love misbehave.


Psychologist Rachel Forbes discusses how we behave when the ones we love misbehave.


Why Do We Become The Rope In This Tug-Of-War?

Similar ideas to Why Do We Become The Rope In This Tug-Of-War?

The two sides of a relationship

Don't let rejection get the best of you