When we deal with others, we aren't thinking; we're just reacting.Often we know these interpersonal habits are bad, but they're wired deep from years of "practice".We learned these "lessons" about how to deal with people and stumbled on "solutions" that helped at that time, in that context - but they've been more harm than good over the long haul.If we try to resist that programming, it gets very uncomfortable. It's like trying to break any bad habit or addiction.

Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: What We Do

This is when you respond as you normally respond but instead, this time you need to do something different.All you have to do right now is... Nothing. Don't do the bad thing. Just stop. Observe what's going on in your brain.Defuse<ul><li>Do not engage the thoughts; observe and label them to get some distance.</li><li>Reframe the thought: "If I don’t give in, they’ll hate me."</li><li>Respond: “Thank you, Mind.”</li></ul>

Notice The Moment Of Choice

<ul><li>We get better by learning to deal with the difficult moments in life.</li><li>You can't quell all the pain in life, some of it is unavoidable.</li><li>The real problem isn't the schema-related discomfort; it's your attempts to avoid it.</li><li>Bad feelings are like bad weather - they're temporary and pass if you let them.</li></ul>

The Real Problem Is The Avoidance

Identify: Find your fatal flaw. Whether it’s hostility, withdrawal, compliance or whatever, identify that bad social habit that always causes you grief.The Moment of Choice: Next time you reflexively want to engage in that bad coping behaviour, all you have to do is nothing. There’s a moment of choice in there, shimmering. You can choose to do something else.You’re not the weather; you’re the sky.Defuse: When the thoughts and fears run rampant through your head just say, “Thank you, Mind.” Those thoughts are advisors, not dictators. Then choose to act on your values.

How to Free Yourself from Those Bad Interpersonal Habits

We all have reflexive bad habits in relationships. They're due to what psychologists call "schema." Here's how we can fix them...

Understand yourself and those around you.

Notice The Moment Of Choice

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