Dont confuse being generous with being nice.Being a nice person is about courtesy: you’re friendly, polite, agreeable, and accommodating. When people think they always have to be nice in order to give, they fail to set boundaries, rarely say no, and become doormats, letting others walk all over them.Productive givers focus on acting in the long-term best interests of others, even if it’s not pleasant.They have the courage to give the critical feedback. They offer tough love, knowing that we might like them less, but we’ll come to trust and respect them more.

1. Giving is not about being nice

In the eyes of many people, giving doesn’t count unless it’s completely selfless. In reality, though, giving isn’t sustainable when it’s completely selfless.For example, studies reveal that people who give altruistically—with no concern for their own interests—are prone to burnout and depression. Ironically, they’re also less likely to stick with helping and volunteering over time, because they’re too exhausted to keep giving.

2. It’s not about altruism

What the productively generous know:1. Nice guys may finish last, but good guys finish first.2. Whereas the selfless give until it hurts them, and the selfish give only when it helps them, the sustainably generous give when it helps others but doesn’t hurt them.3. Receiving is necessary for giving—and if you never ask, you deprive the people in your life of the joy of giving.

On the Road to Thriving

Although many people give at their own expense, there’s a group of people who are productively generous.How do they give without compromising their well-being and falling short on traditional measures of success?They reject 3 common beliefs about giving. As leaders, it's part of our job to debunk these misconceptions, see below...

Three other pillars for a successful life: well-being, wisdom, and wonder. All of these pillars can be side effects of productive giving.<ul><li>Helping effectively can boost our well-being by strengthening relationships and injecting meaning into our lives, revitalizing us rather than draining us.</li><li>It can make us wiser, allowing us to advance the common good without becoming martyrs.</li><li>It can free up time to be amazed by the wonders around us.</li></ul>

Unfortunately, when people sacrifice their own success for other people, they fall behind on their personal responsibilities, and burn out.Reaching down to help people climb up the ladder, they get stepped on—and sometimes squashed.

Successful givers secure their oxygen masks before coming to the assistance of others.The productively generous choose to help in ways that are energizing rather than exhausting.

The productively generous recognize the difference between taking and receiving. <ul><li>Taking is using others solely for personal gain. </li><li>Receiving is accepting help when you need it, and maintaining a willingness to pay it back or forward.</li></ul>

3. It’s not about refusing help from others

Successful givers secure their own oxygen masks before coming to the assistance of others

In Western culture, many people define success narrowly as money and power. In her uplifting book Thrive, Arianna Huffington argues that this leaves us sitting on a two-legged stool, which will tip over if we don’t add a third leg.

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