The Stories We Tell

When you’re in a crucial conversation, it’s easy for high stakes to get the better of you and for things to blow up. You lose focus.

A great way to avoid this is by setting yourself a clear goal for the conversation.

Another way to focus your mind is to ask yourself:

• Wh...

To encourage other people to share, try AMPP:

• Ask questions – Get things moving with questions. They show you’re interested and help others contribute.
• Mirror feelings – Let others know you recognize what they’re feeling e.g. “I can hear that y...

• This is all the shared knowledge in a conversation. It’s a key part of having crucial conversations. The pool of shared meaning is a measure of a group’s shared IQ. The more information in the pool, the better their decisions.
• But it’s important to remember that it’s...

We need to develop five distinct skills.

We need to STATE:

• Share your facts – Start with your least controversial points. Ease them into the conversation.
• Tell your story – Explain your perspective. Where do you think the conversation is ...

How did people communicate when you were growing up? Was there debating or shouting or silent treatment? How do you respond to conflict? Do you shut down or lash out?

• The styles of communication you were exposed to as a child affect how you communicate now.
• Despite som...

Crucial conversations can be frightening. When we get scared, we typically turn to one of two “Styles Under Stress”: Silence or Violence.

Silence behaviors include:

• Masking: Hiding your true opinion through sarcasm or sugarcoating;

• Command – If you know what you want, give clear instructions. The best way to do this is to phrase a request. It also helps to give reasons.
• Consult – Decisions are better when everyone inputs. Only use this if you need outside input; don’t pretend. ...

You can do this through mutual respect and mutual purpose.

• To ensure mutual respect, ask: Do they believe you respect them?
• Apologize when appropriate.

To ensure mutual purpose, ask:

• Do you both trust each other’s motives in this con...