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The secret dance to a deep conversation.

Learn to ask the right questions

Making good conversation implies mastering the technique of asking the right questions, in the correct order, in a proper tone.

 The purpose is to get to know the other, without making it feel like an interrogation.

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The secret dance to a deep conversation.

The secret dance to a deep conversation.

https://medium.com/@Loopward/the-secret-dance-to-a-deep-conversation-de3325c457e3

medium.com

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Key Ideas

Develop a taste for small talk

Whenever faced with uncertainty when trying to make conversation, you might want to consider making small talk. 

It can work wonders and it helps with getting to know the other.

Learn to ask the right questions

Making good conversation implies mastering the technique of asking the right questions, in the correct order, in a proper tone.

 The purpose is to get to know the other, without making it feel like an interrogation.

Asking deep questions

Once you have got the chance to get to know a bit more about the other, you can initiate the use of deeper questions. 

These allow you to create a bond and to show to the other person how interested you are in his or her life.

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An icebreaker that works

The only icebreaker question that'll work every single time: Tell me about yourself.

It is more effective than "So what do you do?" Posing a broad question lets people lea...

Stay curious and engaged

After the initial breaking, you have to really listen to how the other person responds. What are they excited about? Ask them more questions about that.

Pay attention to body language. You will be able to tell if someone is losing interest, for instance, eyes wandering, crossing arms or turning away from you.

Exit gracefully

Not every conversation will be a big hit. You will run out of things to say. Be honest. Say you've got to go to the bathroom or say hi to your other friend. Then go.

Even though it might feel rude, remember that it will free up time to start another potentially interesting conversation with someone else.

"It's important to make the individual you are speaking with feel heard and understood. If you're not engaged in t..."

Julie Holmes - life coach
Technology And Conversations

Your environment affects your personal relationships. Technologies like social media are making conversations harder and less engaging. But getting rid of it isn't necessarily the cure-all for most of our social interactions.

 If you have you've been feeling disconnected you can develop your conversational skills if you persist.

Become An Active Listener

Be engaged and listen to what they are saying. Show interest, ask questions and clarifications. This shows others that you care about what they are saying, and about them in the bigger picture.

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Raise Your Self-Esteem

Create a life you love and learn to appreciate your uniqueness.

Many social issues come from a low sense of self-worth. This causes your conversations to suffer before they begin....

A Confident Body Language
  • Stand straight.
  • Hold your head up.
  • Unfold your arms and relax your hands.
  • Establish eye contact.
  • Smile.
Connecting

Connecting with friends means letting them to know you and vice versa.

Talk about yourself, disclose your life facts, opinions and feelings. This way, you have have subjects to talk about and you form lasting bonds.

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The "why" of the communication

You're wasting time and energy if you don't know the reason the communication is taking place.

Before you initiate any communication, ask yourself, "What am I trying to accomplish?" Ev...

Communicate emotions in person

Any communication that has high emotional content should be delivered in person (if possible) or by telephone and teleconferencing (if not). This applies to both positive and negative news.

If you use email, it will seem like you don't care or that you're a coward.

Communicate facts via email
  • People only retain a small percentage of facts when they're communicated verbally. Having those facts written helps to ensure that they don't get lost when it's time to make decisions.
  • It's much better to use email to get everyone up to speed and then have a discussion of what yet needs to be accomplished.

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Attending conferences
Conferences are overwhelming:  the rush of presentations, conversations, and potential meet-ups, and it can make it tough for you if you want to find focus.

But skipping them isn't the bes...

Change your mindset

See networking from a different perspective: You’re not just networking because you should; you’re doing it because it’s good for your career.

Pre-introduce yourself

Think about the people you would like to get to know and then carve out time to accomplish that goal:

  • A few before the conference, make a 'priority wish list' of people you’d like to meet. 
  • Send those people an email introducing yourself and asking to meet; if possible, get an introduction from a mutual friend or colleague.

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Close friendship

To be best friends, you are committed to always be on standby. It's not that hard to be there for someone when you can physically be there, but when you're separated by state or time zone, ...

Keep creating shared experiences

When you see a friend regularly, you develop a collection of shared memories. You will also have an intimate understanding of what they're up to generally. If you're separated long-term, those experiences will shrink.

It's important to create something you share with the other individual, not just exchanging information about past experiences. The more opportunities you give yourself to connect, the more organically you'll get to know your friend's new life.

It's going to take more effort

The idea that you can sustain a friendship and pick up right where you left off after long stretches of silence is a myth. A relationship grows stronger through nurturing.
Although long-distance hacks can work for a time, there's no replacement for in-person interaction. It's more expensive and more of a hassle, but it's the best way to recharge a long-distance friendship.

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Scott H Young

"People don’t judge you so much for who you are as they judge you for how you communicate yourself.&quo..."

Scott H Young
Be Funny and Interesting

  • Humor: It takes a lot of practice until you can figure out the natural timing and flow of a joke. Practice makes perfect.
  • Interest comes from having an interesting life. You can be interesting by telling stories  or by simply being quick to bring up an interesting fact.

Interest is similar to humor whenever people discover something they didn’t expect.

Tell Great Stories
  • You need to have an interesting point to make it worthwhile.
  • Your most interesting point should be the last thing you say in your story.
  • Keep it short.
  • Keep it personal. People prefer stories about people they know.
  • The more you tell a story the better you get the natural timing and emphasis. 

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Origins of the non-violent communication method

Marshall Rosenberg developed a practical strategy for peaceful conflict resolution called non-violent communication. 

By focusing on language and process, the theory goes, in...

Observe and recap

The Non-violent communication (NVC) process begins with neutral observation.

In conversations, this is most easily done by recapping what someone has said, without emotional input.

That means not attaching any judgment or “story” to your response.

Describe emotions, not positions

For NVC, talk feelings, not issues. 

The hard part in nailing this step is expressing only your own emotional turmoil, rather than translating your emotions into blame. 

Describing feelings of concern, fear, heartbreak, rage, dismay, or confusion are useful.

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Small talk

It’s a brief conversation between you and someone you don’t know very well. 

Small talk is an essential stage of a casual conversation, especially in English-speaking cultures.

How to get better at small talk
  • Have a genuine interest in getting to know a person you’re talking to and learn from them.
  • Ask open-ended questions. It encourages the other person you're speaking with to open up.“What do you do?” followed by “Why did you choose that type of work? How did you enter that profession?”
  • Never talk about something too personal.
  • Practice active listening. By paying attention to the speaker’s words, you’ll create much stronger connections.
Social behavior
Many of the correct behaviors people once considered common sense have gotten lost in the swirling wind of bad advice, outdated manners, rules, and social media that makes it too easy to slip up an...
Social rules
  • Have good manners.
  • Be on time.
  • Personal space. Every culture has different comfort levels of personal space, so before you travel, find out how close you can get to people without being rude.
  • Men’s manners. Be a gentleman. Rudeness is never manly.
  • Women’s manners. You can be a lady and still show strength. It is always appropriate to be mannerly.
  • Teens’ manners. Demonstrate good manners. If you exhibit proper etiquette, you'll earn respect and maybe even more privileges.
  • Children’s manners. Be polite. Be the kid everyone wants to play with. 
  • Host and Hostess Gift. Never show up empty-handed when you're a guest in someone's home.
Learn to communicate
  • Conversation. Learn how to hold a decent conversation with back-and-forth dialogue. Never monopolize a discussion.
  • Never gossip
  • People’s names. Most people appreciate your effort to learn their names if you spend more than a minute or two talking with them. 
  • Cell phones. Use your cell phone sparingly in public.  Think before you hit “send” in an e-mail. Most electronic mail can never be taken back.
  • Social media. Remember that not only can your friends see what you post, others can repost, copy, share, or retweet anything you put out there.
  • Rude questions. There are ways to deal with them and not come across as snarky. 
  • How to Graciously Change the Subject. There are times certain things shouldn't be discussed, and it's up to you to shift the conversation.

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