How to productively help someone - Deepstash

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How to Recognize (and Correct) Enabling Behavior

How to productively help someone

We cannot control another person's behavior nor change it.

  • Once you understand that, let go of judgments and accept the person. Give them space to share their thoughts and feelings. It doesn't mean you condone their behavior, but you can respect their feelings.
  • Hold them accountable without shaming or guilt-tripping. Encourage them to set goals and ask what they need from you to hold them responsible.
  • Celebrate successes with them. It will strengthen trust between you and give them permission to feel good about themselves.
  • Provide reasonable logistical support and assist in a plan to help them climb out of their circumstances.

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SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
Manipulation by passive and covert aggression
  • Passive-aggression is an indirect way to go on the offensive. An example is when someone tries to "get you back" by resisting cooperation and giving you the "...
What a covert aggressive looks like
  • They pretend to be innocent, ignorant, or confused when they did something awful. This tactic is to make you question your judgment.
  • They don't give a straight answer to a straight question, but evade the question or change the subject when cornered.
  • They lie by omission or distortion by deliberately being vague.
  • They may either respond with charm and flattery, of will suddenly be angry.
  • They'll play the victim and make themselves out to be the one in distress.
  • They rationalize by giving a plausible excuse for engaging in inappropriate behavior, or they will downplay their behavior.
  • Covert aggressives don't feel bad, but they know you do. They will send you on a guilt trip so you will lighten your accusations.
How to deal with a covert-aggressive person
  • Let go of the pretense that if you play nice, they will play nice.
  • Know your vulnerabilities and focus on the one thing that really needs to change: yourself. You can only control what you do.
  • Set some boundaries for yourself. Be prepared for the consequences and set a support system.
  • Memorize the list of tactics used by an aggressive person. Then it is easier to recognize the attack.
  • If you're willing to accept an excuse, know that they will fling excuses at you until one stick.
  • Stay calm and polite, and avoid sarcasm, hostility, or threats.
  • Without being rude, be specific about what you expect or want from the other person. Aggressives will only participate if they can get something out of it. If they have to lose, they'll make sure you go down too. Ensure you propose win-win solutions
Codependency

The traditional definition of codependency focuses on control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such a...

Signs of Codependency

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?
  • Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
  • Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
  • Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
  • Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
  • Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
The Development of Codependency

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home with unavailable parents, the child takes on the role of caretaker, learn to put the parents need first, and repress and disregard their own needs.

As the child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down.

The savior complex
The savior complex

It is defined by the constant need to try and save people by solving their problems. You have this syndrome, if:

  • you feel attracted by vulnerable individuals
  • ...
The "savior

Trying to save the others might prove an extremely exhausting goal for the savior. Among the negative effects that this savior syndrome can have:

  • having a burnout 
  • breaking the relationship with the person you are trying to save
  • once you realize you cannot actual save anybody else but you, a feeling of frustration might emerge.
Fighting the savior syndrome

In order to overcome the savior complex:

  • practice active listening rather than active helping
  • talk to the person in need in order to find common ground rather than putting in place your own solution
  • remember that you are in control only of your own life
  • make sure your need to help the others doesn't come from an unsolved personal problem.