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How We End Up Managing Other People's Relationships
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When We Focus On Other People
More often than not, we are trying to correct or direct things in other people’s relationships.
By focussing on other people’s associations, we end up directing how other people should behave, while being blind towards our own functioning in the relationship system.
Example: We try to manage how our parents relate to each other, or how our partner relates to our child.
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Directing Yourself
Instead of giving ready-made advice (which often sounds curt) to others on how they should manage a relationship, it is a better idea to direct yourself in your relationships, and lead by example.
When you become a better parent, partner, son or daughter, and focus on mending your own relationship with those around you, the positive effect starts to happen. The action of self-direction (towards improving yourself in the matters of relationships) is more potent than your lectures on your loved ones.
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Strengthening Your Relations
When you put your energies back towards what you can control, that is You, everyone benefits. We end up relating more openly with others and share our thoughts in a healthy manner, rather than giving unwanted advice.
We are only responsible for our own maturity.
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Distracted by Drama
We can't deny that drama surrounds us everywhere we go. We can see it on social media or on television and despite of our best intentions to not get involved, we can't seem to avert our att...
The Karpman Drama Triangle
The Karpman Drama Triangle was developed in 1968 by psychologist Stephen Karpman in order to exhibit our dysfunctional behavior towards interpersonal drama.
He recognized the feelings of entertainment and addiction towards conflicts despite of its harmful effects to our mental health. There are three roles in a conflict:
- The victim
- The persecutor
- The rescuer.
Dysfunctional Roles In A Relationship
- The Victim: While they are not the actual victims, they are the ones who often feel oppressed and victimized. They are self-pitying and act helpless most of the time.
- The Persecutor: Is made out to be controlling and critical by the victims. However, when we do take up this role we are often angry, rigid, and have feelings of superiority.
- The Rescuer: They are known as the enablers; they don't actually help the victims because they keep the victims stuck in their roles.
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Anger and Aggression
- Anger: An emotion felt when we believe we have been wronged.
- Aggression: is an act of expression of the anger, by our words our actions. Aggressio...
Validation and Boundaries
- We can try and validate the anger felt by an individual by making them know that their anger is maybe justified while putting firm but respectful boundaries on their aggression.
- We then need to be clear about what type of aggression we are willing to tolerate, setting boundaries on the unacceptable.
- We may have to put our foot down and be ready to leave the conversation or escalate the issue, without falling into the trap of guilt and emotion.
- If possible, we need to restart the conversation when things have cooled down, and diffuse the issue in a calm way.
Avoiding Speculative Self-Talk
Unchecked self-talk can easily turn into self-delusion. The stories we create almost always make you look like the good guy and cannot be termed as objective.
- The way to get out of this speculative self-delusion is to avoid any speculation about other people's anger, at least initially.
- Make sure to note down the facts of the situation. This can make the story less according to your gut instinct, and more towards the objective reality.
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Key Ideas
Take chances when meeting new people
When given the chance to meet new people, make sure you do it. As you never know when somebody might prove useful, why not being sociable and trying to broaden as much as possible your circle?
One connection always leads to another
When trying to broaden your social network, say yes to meeting new people. One acquaintance will always lead to another, fact that could only have a positive effect on your professional life.
Weak vs. strong ties when dealing with connections
When trying to get a better or a different job, relying on the so-called 'weak ties'- that is to say, acquaintances and the like, might prove extremely useful. While your strong connections tend to place you in only one field of activity, the weak ones are more objective and could provide you with new possibilities.