Avoiding talking about your feelings
People with very low emotional intelligence will refuse to talk about their feelings because they aren't good at it. They may use vague language to describe how they feel, such as "I'm a little stressed" or "I'm kind of overwhelmed."
People with high emotional intelligence aren't afraid to describe their feelings. "I feel sad," "I'm angry," or "I'm disappointed."
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Emotions like fear or sadness feel bad. People with low emotional intelligence criticize themselves, thinking it is wrong to feel afraid. Or shameful to feel sad.
People with high emotional intelligence understand that if something feels bad doesn't mean it is bad. They treat themselves with compassion and kindness when they feel this way.
People with low emotional intelligence think they have to solve difficult emotions. They try to get rid of any painful feelings.
Emotionally intelligent people see emotions as messengers. They validate them even if they don't like the content of the message.
People with low emotional intelligence tend only to notice the loudest emotions. If they get cut-off on the road while driving, they feel "mad" but aren't aware they're also feeling afraid.
People with high emotional intelligence have enough self-awareness to see all their emotions, even the secondary emotions.
Emotions can give important information, but they can also mislead us, such as feeling anger when our spouse points out a problem and asks us to correct it.
Emotionally intelligent people listen to all their emotions but never overvalue them. They don't put blind trust in any of them.
People with low emotional intelligence are afraid of painful feelings in others, so they try to make them go away. For example, they try to explain why you shouldn't feel the way you do or attempt to solve your bad mood.
A sign of high emotional intelligence is when someone is willing to sit with your emotions without judgment or advice.
People with low emotional intelligence pretends to be happy all the time and don't want to admit or show when they're feeling sad, afraid, ashamed, or upset.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that there are no good or bad emotions. They're secure enough to feel bad and show it.
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In addition to being aware of your own emotions and the impact you have on others, emotional intelligence requires you to be able to regulate and manage your emotions.
How to improve self-regulation:
- Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
- Build distress tolerance skills.
- Find ways to manage difficult emotions.
- Look at challenges as opportunities.
- Practice your communication skills.
- Recognize that you have a choice in how you respond.
- Use cognitive reframing to change thought patterns and emotional responses.
- Work on accepting your emotions.
- Emotionally intelligent people are good at understanding and managing their emotions. They are also empathetic and good at handling others' emotionsÂ
- Act as you don't understand what he's saying, and observe his reaction. Emotionally intelligent people remain patient and calm when faced with a communication challenge.
- Emotionally intelligent people know and admit when they need help.
- Emotional empathy: âYou feel awful? Then I feel awful too!â
- Cognitive empathy: âI understand that you are feeling awful. That must suck.â
- Compassion: âYou feel awful? I feel for you. How can I help?â
Compassion is what we focus on for emotional intelligence.