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How to Let Go: Learning to Deal with Loss

Toxic vs. healthy relationships

  • A toxic relationship: people are emotionally dependent on each other -  they use drama and use each other for the approval and respect they are unable to give themselves.
  • A healthy relationship: people are emotionally interdependent with each other -  they approve of and respect each other because they approve of and respect themselves.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

How to Let Go: Learning to Deal with Loss

How to Let Go: Learning to Deal with Loss

https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go

markmanson.net

6

Key Ideas

Change and the unchangeable

We like to think that things can be changed. That we are in control somehow.  That's why “never” hurts, because never means that it can’t be changed. “Never” means it’s over. It’s gone. And that’s really hard to bear.

Meaning and relationships

  • We generate meaning through relationships. And meaning is the fuel of our minds. 
  • Our relationships also define our understanding of ourselves. And when one of these relationships is destroyed, that part of our identity is destroyed along with it. 

Depression vs. sadness

  • Sadness occurs when something feels bad. 
  • Depression occurs when something feels meaningless. 

When something feels bad, at least it has meaning. In depression, everything becomes a big blank void. 

2 ways we react to loss

  • The healthy response to loss is to slowly construct new relationships and bring new meaning into one’s life.
  • The unhealthy response to loss is to refuse to accept it. It’s to cling to the past and desperately try to recover it or relive it in some way. 

Toxic vs. healthy relationships

  • A toxic relationship: people are emotionally dependent on each other -  they use drama and use each other for the approval and respect they are unable to give themselves.
  • A healthy relationship: people are emotionally interdependent with each other -  they approve of and respect each other because they approve of and respect themselves.

Getting better at accepting loss

  • Understand that our memories lie to us and convince us that everything was awesome in the past.
  • Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you for who you are.
  • Invest in your relationship with yourself and do whatever you want.

SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:

Jack Mezirow

"By far the most significant learning experience in adulthood involves critical self-reflection - reassessin..."

Jack Mezirow
3 areas of life to clarify

You need to have absolute clarity over 3 fundamental facts:

  • Your goals (the destination)
  • Your current situation (your coordinates)
  • The path that connects both of them (the route).

A very simple, but crucial principle: if you don’t know where you are, you can never reach the place where you want to be.

The world of the status quo bias

Making an alternative choice is hard because we are neurologically wired to favor the default solution, even if it brings suboptimal results.

As the complexity of a decision increases, so does our tendency to stick with the answer we know.

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The Relationship Scorecard

This is when you and your partner continue to blame each other for past mistakes made in the relationship instead of solving the current problem.

Deal with issues individually unless they ...

Dropping “Hints”

It shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. 

State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support.

Holding the Relationship Hostage

For example, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me." 

It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. 

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Couples In Lockdown

In lockdown(or home quarantine), relationships are being stress-tested across the globe, as couples and partners live together 24/7, and have to deal with:

  • New kinds of stressful situa...
Listen More

Everyone is stressed out as there are losses all around. Most of us miss life before the lockdown. It is a good idea to let those feelings come out, listen attentively to the partner, and maybe give a hug, while avoiding any ‘fix-it’ response.

Rituals

Rituals are important to maintain a positive connection. A ritual can be anything that makes you and your partner regularly turn towards each other, emotionally, physically or spiritually.


Rituals of connection form the pillars of this culture, making the bond stronger by reinforcing it.

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You Have A Boundary Issue If…
  • you feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain.
  • you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the ...
Personal Boundaries

Having healthy personal boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT blaming others.

People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.

Poor Boundaries 

People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them.

People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone.

Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another, yet completely fail to meet each other's true need to feel loved. The real solution would be for both to take responsibility for their own problems.

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2 mindsets of building wealth
2 mindsets of building wealth
  • Spending mindset: People who stay poor or middle class see money as something to be spent.
  • Investing mindset: People who become rich see...
People rely too much on self-discipline

 ....and eschew forming useful habits. Instead, they set unrealistic drastic goals that and then become frustrated when they make little to no progress towards them. 

Goals sound much sexier in our head than habits
  • Goals: there’s a clear image of a certain result in our head and that gets us more excited in the moment;
  • Habits: are long-term and repetitive - they seem boring. And there’s no clear image one can imagine for “going to the gym every morning for a year”.

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Self-awareness has 2 components
  • Internal self-awareness: the ability to introspect and recognize your authentic self;
  • External self-awareness: the ability to recognize how you fit in with the rest of the world. ...
The “bias blind spot"

It relates to our tendency to recognize cognitive biases in others, without noticing them in ourselves. In other words, our brain isn’t built to easily spot our own lack of self-awareness.  

Self-awareness and leadership

After examined the traits that contribute to the effectiveness of successful leaders, researchers concluded that a high level of self-awareness was the strongest predictor of success: when leaders are self-aware, they know how to hire subordinates who are strong in the areas where they themselves are weak.

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How to reach weight-loss goals
How to reach weight-loss goals

Finding a weight-loss diet is usually not a problem, be it paleo, low-carb, or wine-based. The real challenge is sticking to it. A recent study used data from a diet app and conclu...

Goal design affects motivation

Researchers built a model to explore how small variations in goal design could influence motivation.

  • They found that adaptive goals are more beneficial than static goals.
  • Challenging goals are more useful for people who recently experienced setbacks or made significant progress.
Narcissistic characteristics
  • having an inflated sense of self
  • needing constant praise
  • taking advantage of others
  • not recognizing or caring about the needs of others

People with narcissi...

See them for who they really are

Those with narcissistic personalities are pretty good at turning on the charm. Watch how they treat people when they’re not “on stage.” If you catch them lying, manipulating, or blatantly disrespecting others, there’s no reason to believe they won’t do the same to you.

The first step in dealing with a narcissistic personality is simply accepting that this is who they are.

Stop focusing on them

Whether it’s negative or positive attention, those with narcissistic personalities work hard to keep themselves in the spotlight.

You might soon find yourself buying into this tactic, pushing aside your own needs to keep them satisfied.

If you must deal with a narcissistic personality, don’t allow them to infiltrate your sense of self or define your world.

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Experiencing regret

When you experience regret, you neglect the celebration of all of the exciting parts of your life to focus on this one festering mistake that haunts you.

The way to overcome regret is not...

Learning from Your Regrets

Regret can be seen as a mistake that we haven't learned the proper lesson from yet. If we learn from it, that mistake becomes helpful and makes us better.

The way to move on is to take responsibility for your mistakes. Understand what happened and integrate that experience into your understanding of who you are today.

Questioning Your Narratives

Our narratives are the way our minds construct events to explain our feelings and experiences

They are seldom accurate and often unhelpful, but we need them to hold our sense of self in place.

3 more ideas

What confidence is

Confidence is often seen as an elusive trait that others have but you don’t.

The truth is confidence is what appears after you go for what you want; it is the result of stepping...

Tall posture

How you hold yourself physically plays a big part in how you hold yourself mentally.

In order to begin to feel and look confident, stand tall, shoulders & head back, being aware of what is around you, and keeping hand motioning to an absolute minimum.

Change your environment

Changing your environment changes the stimuli that are going into your brain—this affects your moment-by-moment perception of the world.

Think of places you frequent where you feel your most creative, happiest, relaxed. Aim to go to these places when you feel low in confidence.

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