The root cause of our complicated behavior is not that we're bad people or manipulative. We're just afraid of how people would respond if our real intentions would be known.
<ul>
<li>This fear can come from our childhood, if our caregivers gave us the impression that there was no room for our honesty.</li>
<li>Maybe as kinds we felt that our parents would be very sad if we'd reveal too much of our real dreams and hopes.</li>
</ul>
The child experiencing this grows into an adult that prefers to imply rather than state.

What Stops Us From Speaking Up

They are the opposite of straightforward people. They are very hesitant about the validity of their own desires and that is why they are not capable of letting the people around them know how they really feel.
<ul>
<li>They appear to agree with everything you are saying, but later you will find out that they had a lot of doubts</li>
<li>They will tell you they'll love to go to an event you suggested when in reality they just want to go home</li>
<li>They feel overlooked but never raise a complaint</li>
<li>They want to be understood but never speak.</li>
</ul>

The Problem With Complicated People

When we're around straightforward people we know exactly what the issues are from the start. They know what they want and they are not afraid to state it:
<ul>
<li>There is no need to guess and decode their intentions</li>
<li>If they don't want to do something, they will politely explain that it's not for them</li>
<li>If they are frustrated about something we do, they will kindly tell us (instead of pilling up anger and envy inside)</li>
<li>If they worry something might go wrong, they won't pretend that all is well</li>
<li>If they are attracted to someone, they will find ways of making their feelings known.</li>
</ul>

Straightforward People

<ul>
<li>We should notice and learn about the origins of our behavior</li>
<li>We can remind ourselves that our circumstances have changed: the dangers that gave birth to our complicated manner of expression are gone. People won't get upset if we tell them how we feel. And if someone does, then as a final option, we can always walk away.</li>
<li>We should be able to recognize that our complicated behavior doesn't please people in reality; most of the people we deal it would prefer to hear our true opinion, even if they get frustrated with it at first.</li>
</ul>

How To Be More Straightforward

We prefer people who are ‘straightforward’: who are direct and unambiguous about their desires and characters. Becoming more so involves untangling the self-deceptions we constructed when we were young. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2TMs0dT For books and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/3o8g43b Our website has classes, articles and products to help you lead a more fulfilled life: https://bit.ly/3jjbeMP Join this channel to get access to exclusive members perks: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog/join FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/3dIOlkN “A basic distinction in humans is between those who are simple and straightforward to deal with – and those who are – as we tend to be reminded when we interact with them – repeatedly tricky or complicated to handle. What makes straightforward people gratifying to be around isn’t so much that their positions and intentions are always inherently unproblematic, it’s that we happen to know exactly what the issues are from the start. There is therefore no need to guess, infer, decode, untangle, unscramble or translate. There are no sudden surprises or revolutions in perspective. If these straightforward types don’t want to do something, they will, politely and in good time, explain that it’s really not for them. If they’re unhappy with our behaviour, they won’t smile sweetly while developing noxious stores of envy or hatred in the recesses of their minds; they will immediately provide a gentle but accurate statement of how we are frustrating them. If they are worried a project is going awry, they won’t pretend that all is well until a catastrophe can no longer be denied. If they are attracted to someone, they will find charming, kind and inoffensive ways of making their feelings clear. And in bed, they may want to please, but they can also be honest and unashamed about what actually excites them.” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLself You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Noelle Smith Design http://www.noellesmithdesign.com/ Title animation produced in collaboration with Vale Productions https://www.valeproductions.co.uk/

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We prefer people who are ‘straightforward’: who are direct and unambiguous about their desires and characters. Becoming more so involves untangling the self-deceptions we constructed when we were young.
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For books and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/3o8g43b
Our website has therapy, articles and products to help you lead a more fulfilled life: https://bit.ly/3jjbeMP

FURTHER READING

You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/3dIOlkN

“A basic distinction in humans is between those who are simple and straightforward to deal with – and those who are – as we tend to be reminded when we interact with them – repeatedly tricky or complicated to handle.
 What makes straightforward people gratifying to be around isn’t so much that their positions and intentions are always inherently unproblematic, it’s that we happen to know exactly what the issues are from the start. There is therefore no need to guess, infer, decode, untangle, unscramble or translate. There are no sudden surprises or revolutions in perspective. If these straightforward types don’t want to do something, they will, politely and in good time, explain that it’s really not for them. If they’re unhappy with our behaviour, they won’t smile sweetly while developing noxious stores of envy or hatred in the recesses of their minds; they will immediately provide a gentle but accurate statement of how we are frustrating them. If they are worried a project is going awry, they won’t pretend that all is well until a catastrophe can no longer be denied. If they are attracted to someone, they will find charming, kind and inoffensive ways of making their feelings clear. And in bed, they may want to please, but they can also be honest and unashamed about what actually excites them.”


MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Watch more films on SELF in our playlist: 
http://bit.ly/TSOLself

You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 
Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB 


SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/  
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife   
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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Noelle Smith Design
http://www.noellesmithdesign.com/
 
Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions
https://www.valeproductions.co.uk/

We're interested in self-understanding, calm and emotional maturity.

We have thousands of articles about emotional life for you on our website: www.theschooloflife.com

We offer online psychotherapy: www.theschooloflife.com/therapy

We publish one film a week, on Wednesdays at 14.00hrs GMT.

What Stops Us From Speaking Up

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