The deeper issues that drive escalation is seldom about the content of the fight. The real issue is about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered again and again, creating a lens through which we view every interaction.
For example, if our partner makes time to play tennis with a friend but doesn't show interest in a date night, we may think they don't want to be with us. We may then interpret everything else from the angle that they don't want to be with us.
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We all know that moment when a relationship fight pushes us over the edge. It's when we wonder how this very same issue that upsets me so much can pop up again.
Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time scrolling through social media when we desire quality time. The tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw.
Identifying the hidden dimension under the relationship fight can affect how we fight and how we move forward.
Someone is usually extremely angry or deeply upset because they care. But that care can be better used. It requires developing the skills and language to identify the underlying dynamics which is behind our fights.
When we together understand how these patterns came to be, we can help each other through it and create new patterns.
Hard anniversaries, like the birthday of someone we've lost, are helped by routines and rituals. They create a grounding structure with a reassuring and stabilising effect.
Certain lines should not be crossed, and it’s important to repair them.
For that, keep in mind you have to validate the other person’s feelings and acknowledge the fact they experience things differently than you do.
There are new trends in the intimate relationship landscape. We want to maintain unclear relationships - too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building.
This stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels constant uncertainty, and neither person feels really appreciated or nurtured.
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