Attached. The New Science Of Adullt Attachment And How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love

Attached.

There is a certain very interesting book contributed to by neuroscientists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller entitled "Attached. The New Science Of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love". The human brain is programmed to seek and need to receive support from others. As it turns out, we need to feel a sense of security in the bonds we form, whether they are formed in the context of friendship, family, or love.

"I felt the fear of losing someone special and in the end I lost, but I survived! And I'm still alive!"

While many of us may not like the term used next, there is a clear record at the neural level that humans are emotionally dependent. This does not mean, however, that we need to see this dependence as entrapment by another person or group of people. We are talking about our need to be loved, to be respected, and to feel that we can count on another person.

Let those who do not deserve you lose you

We all know very well that the success of a relationship depends on many factors. One of them is undoubtedly the ability to support each other and the ability to accept help. If one of these skills fails and the needs of the partner are pushed to the background, the relationship begins to weaken and lose its value.

Let the one who uses love in foul play lose you

In the book cited earlier, neuroscientists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller point out that emotionally immature people tend to treat love like a game. They have a profile of people who respond only to what the moment brings, to the immediate reward, and to the opportunity to satisfy their res.

Those who truly love don't play games

We should not forget that emotional maturity is also defined by our ability to observe reality, as well as by our ability to behave appropriately in certain situations.

“Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.” —The New York Times We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle. Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:    • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back    • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.    • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

books

Books

scienceandnature

Science & Nature

Dr Amir Levine, MD, is an adult, child and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He has been conducting neuroscience research at Columbia University, New York, for several years under the mentorship of Nobel Prize laureate Eric Kandel.

Amir Levine

Rachel Heller is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Rachel Heller has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Rachel Heller's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

Rachel Heller

Attached

What is involvement of parents in our marriage?
Ideal answer- couples decision shall be priority. It doesn't mean disrespect to parents.

Who Is Your Priority In Life

What are the mistakes you made in the past relationship? How did you deal with it.
Ideal answer- no mistakes means fishy.
I dealt with it by communication because its harmful to suppress emotions

Any Mistakes

What is the role of man and woman or their families in marriage?
Man must do this and women should not do that. Preoccupied patriarchal notions shouldn't be there.

Equality

How much couples should know about each other?
Secrecy should not lead to dishonesty.
Space for fearless sharing.
My secrete is our secrete.

Privacy

How many hours couple spend time together in a week?
5-7 hours is fair one.
Spend time shopping, cooking, playing...
If someone can't spend minimum hours then it is red flag.

Time For Us

Behavior with other people.
Same rules to both, agree to boundaries.
Posting pictures, flirting with other (recommended to not to agree)

What Is Ok

How much individual freedom.
You don't do that or force to do. It should requested and negotiated.
Not hurting others or hurting oneself shall be mantra.
Freedom is of utmost respect.

Free

What you can't compromise with?
Everyone may have different things.
Obvious ones which are non-negotiable are violence, cheating....

NonNegotiable

What you think about marriage counseling?
I know everything, I don't want to go for counseling is a red flag
Sometimes seeking help is better.

Counseling

Marriage is an important milestone in everyone's life. So some cautions and questions before marrying someone. 

I’m Shridhar, a Counselling Psychologist. I share with you 10 non-obvious questions to ask your partner before marrying them. To watch a video on the single best advice for couples: https://youtu.be/xByXVgu3b5E To book counseling sessions: https://www.shridharlifeschool.com/counsel If you wanna support me, you can donate: www.https://www.shridharlifeschool.com/donate Apply for a job at Shridhar LifeSchool: https://forms.gle/VmWjMKeqzedBbCSd9 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ShridharLifeSchool/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shridharlifeschool/ Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7CZHIRPDTgGtZACAPU9JhP?si=fb2cf9f6ffb449a4 Twitter: https://twitter.com/shridharchandak Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/shridharlifeschool/ 0:00 Intro 0:46 Question #1 Involvement of parents in marriage 1:27 Question #2 Mistakes made in the past 2:27 Question #3 What makes you angry 3:44 Question #4 Gender roles in marriage 4:37 Question #5 How much transparency will be there 5:15 Question #6 How much time to spend together 6:14 Question #7 Behaviours allowed with others 7:26 Question #8 Individual freedom 9:02 Question #9 Non-negotiable areas 9:36 Question #10 Ready for marriage counseling? 10:29 We now specialize in relationship counseling #Gottman

I’m Shridhar, a Counselling Psychologist. I share with you 10 non-obvious questions to ask your partner before marrying them.

To watch a video on the single best advice for couples:
https://youtu.be/xByXVgu3b5E

To book counseling sessions: 
https://www.shridharlifeschool.com/counsel

If you wanna support me, you can donate: 
www.https://www.shridharlifeschool.com/donate

Apply for a job at Shridhar LifeSchool: https://forms.gle/VmWjMKeqzedBbCSd9

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ShridharLifeSchool/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shridharlifeschool/
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7CZHIRPDTgGtZACAPU9JhP?si=fb2cf9f6ffb449a4
Twitter: https://twitter.com/shridharchandak
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/shridharlifeschool/

0:00 Intro
0:46 Question #1 Involvement of parents in marriage
1:27 Question #2 Mistakes made in the past
2:27 Question #3 What makes you angry
3:44 Question #4 Gender roles in marriage
4:37 Question #5 How much transparency will be there
5:15 Question #6 How much time to spend together
6:14 Question #7 Behaviours allowed with others
7:26 Question #8 Individual freedom
9:02 Question #9 Non-negotiable areas
9:36 Question #10 Ready for marriage counseling?
10:29 We now specialize in relationship counseling

#Gottman

I'm a psychologist. I lead a team of therapists. We provide couple (marital) therapy and whatever knowledge I gain through my readings and therapy practice, I put that in my videos. Life is good :)

Shridhar LifeSchool

10 questions to ask before marrying someone | Therapist's Advice | 9

10 questions to ask before marrying someone

Certain behaviors or characteristics that some people might consider untrustworthy in others

Behaviors

Dishonesty: People who lie, cheat, or deceive others are often seen as untrustworthy. It's important to be honest and transparent in your dealings with others

Dishonesty

Unreliability: People who don't follow through on their commitments or consistently let others down can be difficult to trust. It's important to be dependable and reliable in your interactions with others.

Unreliability

Selfishness: People who prioritize their own interests over the needs of others may be seen as untrustworthy. It's important to be considerate and compassionate towards others.

Selfishness 

Lack of integrity: People who don't have a strong sense of personal values or ethics may be seen as untrustworthy. It's important to have a strong moral compass and to act in accordance with your values.

Lack Of Integrity 

Manipulation: People who use manipulative tactics to get what they want may be seen as untrustworthy. It's important to be genuine and straightforward in your interactions with others.

Manipulation 

Ultimately, trust is built over time through consistent and reliable behavior. It's important to surround yourself with people who are trustworthy and to be trustworthy in order to build strong and meaningful relationships.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

habits

Habits

podcasts

Podcasts

Behavior or Characteristics 

Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

𝐀𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐭

𝐀𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰...

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

mentalhealth

Mental Health

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

𝐀𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠 

Do you feel like your life is spiraling out of control and you're just a helpless bystander? Losing control of one's life is common but terrifying.In this article, we'll go through the 5 signs that you're not in control of your life and how you can regain it.

Signs You're Not in Control of Your Life

Instead of complaining, start thinking of ways to improve the situation. Take small actions forward to improve a situation, and you are not letting it control you.

Constant Complaining

Make time for hobbies or interests that make you happy. Once you start enjoying things again, you will find yourself in a happier state.

Constant Feeling of Boredom

Develop a sense of responsibility and start by writing down all the things you want to do.

Talking Yourself Out of Commitments

Establish boundaries and communicate your needs.

Relationships Feeling Out of Place

Set boundaries and take a break from your phone.

Constantly on Your Phone

Self-improvement is the name of the game, and your primary objective is to strengthen yourself, not to destroy an opponent.

Being in control of our lives means being in charge of aspects like how we react, think, who we let in, and what things we allow to control us.

Take Control: React, Think, & Choose Your Life

Take Control: React, Think, & Choose Your Life.

Losing control and no longer feeling like we are in any position of power regarding our lives is terrifying, yet common.

mindfulness

Mindfulness

meditation

Meditation

Warning Signs That You are Not in Control of Your Life 

A US researcher discovered that many people who lived in expensive homes didn’t have much wealth. Instead, each millionaire he found didn’t look like a millionaire.<ul><li>They lived in middle-class neighborhoods, instead of “upscale addresses”</li><li>They didn’t own the latest model cars or expensive watches</li><li>They didn’t wear luxury clothing brands</li><li>and so forth.</li></ul>

The Millionaires Next Door

“We discovered who the wealthy really are and who they are not. And, most important, we have determined how ordinary people can become wealthy.”

Here are the 5 steps you can take to build wealth and eventually become a “millionaire next door.” Stanley identifies several professions in his book that would potentially earn well in the long term. But the most important aspect of a “right” career is a job that won’t become extinct in the future.

Pick The Right Profession 

The pandemic has shown us that having a single income stream is too unstable. Just ask those restaurant owners who closed for months during the lockdowns. Or those employees who were let go. Multiple income streams give us options. And options provide us with freedom and peace of mind. That doesn’t mean you need to own many businesses or work 5 side hustles. “Wealth is a plentiful supply of a particular desirable thing.”

Several Income Streams 

Having specific goals is fine. But try not to get too attached to outcomes. For example, whether or not your business or job will earn you six figures in a few years is not entirely within your control. You can only control what you do and how you react to things.

Don't Let Outcome Dictate

Most people don't invest. After all, over 45% of adults around the globe aren’t capable of paying out of pocket for an emergency.That means most people are not benefiting from the power of compounding. And they’re not leveraging the long-term growth of the market.For people living paycheck-to-paycheck, the first priority is to <a href="https://dariusforoux.com/save-money/">build an emergency fund </a>. Even just enough to cover a whole month’s expense. It’s best to start small, then aim for 6-months’ worth of expenses.

Save Before Investing 

“It’s important to associate with people that are better than yourself and actually the most important decision many of you will make, not all of you, will be the spouse you choose. And you really want to associate with people who are the kind of person you’d like to be.You’ll move in that direction. And the most important person by far in that respect is your spouse. I can’t overemphasize how important that is.”It’s no surprise The Millionaire Next Door data reports that most frugal millionaires have married spouses who are also frugal themselves. This avoids two things.

Your Partner 

First, one doesn’t get stuck with a spouse who wastes all the money. Because it doesn’t matter how frugal or wealthy a person is if their spouse spends it all. And people can prevent one of the top reasons why married couples fight: money.<a>4 </a> When you partner with someone who has the same money mindset, you’re less likely to have financial disagreements.

Partner Part 2

All those who want to become more wealthy should read this

When The Millionaire Next Door author Thomas Stanley researched wealthy people, he found millionaires who didn't look like a millionaire.

Discover the world of business and economics.

economics

Economics

moneyandinvestments

Money & Investments

business

Business

5 Steps to Become a “Millionaire Next Door” - Darius Foroux

A learned behavior in individuals who believe they have no control over their life because they think nothing they do will matter. They tend to think bad things are always bound to happen to them, and others are usually to blame.

What Is Victim Mentality?

An actual victim’s reality is based on real actions that have happened to them, whereas a victim mentality is based on a perceived reality that something is going to happen to them based on their past experiences (either real or perceived).

Victim mentality vs. Actual victim

<ul><li>Negative self-talk or self-pity. “I never do anything right.”</li><li>Pessimism about the future. “It will never work out.”</li><li>Fears of being taken advantage of. </li><li>Envious of others. “If only I had money like he does.”</li><li>Ruminates on past bad experiences. </li><li>Struggles to enjoy the good</li><li>Disinterested in solutions. “There’s nothing that can be done.”</li><li>Rejects feedback or support. “I can’t do that. It will never work.”</li><li>Lacks trust in others. </li><li>Cynical toward others’ motives. “People are always out to get me”</li><li>Narcissistic. </li></ul>

Signs Of Victim Mentality 

<ul><li>Reflect on your wins: By remembering what success felt like and that it was possible, you can regain motivation for today</li><li>Engage in acts of Kindness: Regaining a sense of agency is helpful. One of the best ways to do this is by focusing outward on what you can do for others.</li><li>Set simple goals for yourself: Think about something you can achieve today. Then move on to something you can accomplish this week, and so on.</li><li>Take a deep breath before you respond: When presented with a challenge, your flight or fight response might kick in, leading you to respond from a place of fear. </li></ul>

Ways to Break the Cycle

Notice the discomfort you feel in your body when someone shares something with you or asks something of you. Are you tense? Is your stomach tight? Is your blood pressure high? Do you feel yourself getting warm? These body reactions might indicate your deeper fears or thoughts about what is happening. Take two or three deep breaths before you respond with the first thing that might come to your head. Research shows deep breathing exercises can reduce stress and stabilize blood pressure.

<ul><li>Reframe negative thoughts: By giving yourself a positive visualization, you can start to train your brain toward positive outcomes.</li></ul>

I collect and share ideas on self-discovery, inner strength and managing thoughts. For deeper insights, <a href="https://medium.com/@parakharora">read my articles on Medium</a>

Hey, This Is Parakh

humanresources

Human Resources

Victim Mentality: Signs, Causes & 10 Ways to Break The Cycle

𝐖𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲.

Amazing Fact: We Are Highly Decisive

<ul><li>You're not in constant battle to make it work.</li><li>You both don't play mind games.</li><li>No withholding of affection. No silent treatment or punishments. You can disagree because that means you have open communication.</li><li>You have a life outside your relationship. No one feels threatened and you trust each other. </li><li>You enjoy spending time together. YOU, not only them.</li><li>You make important decisions together.</li><li>You can say that you became a better person by being in this relationship.</li></ul>

Never Settle For Less.

Are you curious about whether your relationship is healthy or not? Well, buckle up because, in this episode of 7 Good Minutes, we're going to dive into some key signs that indicate you're in a solid and loving relationship.

From trust and communication to respect and support, we'll cover it all. So get ready to discover the secrets of a happy and healthy partnership.

Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and share it with a friend or two!

teamwork

Teamwork

7 Good Minutes Daily Self-Improvement Podcast - Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Have you ever stopped to think about how many times a day you make judgments about people, situations, or events? It's a common habit that we all engage in. For instance, when we meet someone, we tend to judge how they look and make assumptions about their lifestyle.

Being judgmental means looking at things through a lens of criticism

Judgment is a cognitive ability that helps us assess people, situations, and relationships based on the sensory evidence available to us to come to conclusions and make decisions.It’s important for us to wield it carefully and not be overly critical of others.

What Judgement Really Is

<ul><li>Wider horizons: Looking at circumstances without judgment allows you to consider additional perspectives outside of your own awareness and gain helpful insights into what other people experience. It can also help you increase empathy and compassion for people who may be different from you.</li><li>More positivity: Judgment comes from a place of negativity. Being less judgmental allows you to view the world with a more positive outlook.</li><li>Improved relationships: Feeling judged alienates others and makes it hard for them to trust you. </li></ul>

Benefits of Being Less Judgmental 

Pay Attention to Your Thoughts The first step is to recognize that you’re doing it. Start paying more attention to your thoughts, so you can identify when you’re being judgmental. Look for thoughts or phrases like: <ul><li>“What is [person] doing/saying/wearing?"</li><li>"[Person] should be doing [action] instead of [action].”</li><li>“This [person/thing] is so [negative adjective].”</li></ul>

6 Ways to Be Less Judgmental 

Question Your Assumptions If you have a negative view of someone, ask yourself what it’s based on. Did you formulate your view based on facts? Do you have all the relevant information or do you need to inquire further about the situation? Make an effort to explore all the possible sources of information before coming to a conclusion. If this isn’t possible, consider leaving your opinion neutral or open-ended.

Recognize Your Biases Be aware of your own biases and cultural standards. Recognize that your own view of life is limited based on your own experiences.Remember that other people with different cultural, social, professional, religious, or ethnic backgrounds may not share the same views. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective.

Be Empathetic Practice empathy and compassion for people, even if they look, think, dress, speak, or act differently than you do.Think about how you have felt when someone formed an opinion of you that wasn’t accurate. Did you feel hurt, angry, upset, ashamed, embarrassed, or disappointed? Let those feelings guide you toward being more compassionate toward others.

Expand Your Horizons Expose yourself to new ideas and perspectives. Meet new people and talk to them about their lives. Experiment with different activities and try new foods. Read lots of books and watch informative content. Travel as much as you are able to.

Practice PositivityWith practice, you can develop a more positive mindset. If you catch yourself thinking something negative about something or someone, challenge yourself to see something positive in the situation instead.You can also take a few minutes every night to list the good things that happened that day and be thankful for all the things you’re grateful for.You can choose to do this exercise by yourself in your mind. Or you can note it down in a journal or practice it with a loved one.

Did this resonate with you? I just wrote an article on how we get automatic negative thoughts that hinder our judgement, <a href="https://medium.com/@parakhkatyal/negativity-hinders-judgment-5873fd87051e">here’s a link. </a>

This article explores the characteristics of judgmental people, discusses the benefits of being more open-minded, and suggests some ways to be less judgemental.

How to Be Less Judgmental

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