Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

Create psychological distance from self-criticism by personifying it. Choose a silly name, like “the little monster” or “gremlin”, or, why not, Darth Vader. Purchasing a small Darth Vader action figure for your desk reminds you to keep the critical voice in check.

Naming your inner critic leverages cognitive defusion — a process by which you separate yourself from your thoughts. Defusion is shown to reduce discomfort, believability, and the stress of negative thoughts. It promotes the capacity to steady your mind, manage your emotions, and be aware, open, and adaptive to changing demands.

Sometimes, our impression of ourselves does not match others’ impression. This is called the spotlight effect — a tendency in which you misjudge and overestimate how much attention others pay to your behavior.

To combat the spotlight effect, consider your performance on aggregate versus zeroing in on a singular negative event.

Think of a bell curve: you’ll likely perform average or higher than average most days. Some days will be below average, and that’s normal.

Keep an eye on the bigger picture.

Our minds are wired to make meaning and answer questions; the sensitive brain is making connections and anticipating eventualities. Studies have shown that sensitive people have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to attention, action-planning, decision-making, and having strong internal experiences.

This means that as a sensitive striver you have the power to channel your thinking with greater precision. Make better use of your brain power by posing more constructive questions.

Specifically, consider what could go right in equal measure with what could go wrong .

Being hard on yourself can ruin your mood, focus, and productivity. Luckily, shame and humiliation – two emotions that are common with self-criticism — are shown to only last between 30 to 50 minutes.

Timebox your feelings: set a timer and allow yourself to fully experience these emotions during that period. One helpful practice is release writing, in which you free write for 3 to 5 mins to let go of frustrations.

Once the timer ends, make a conscious choice about how to move forward. Define how you want to feel and what actions gets you closer to that state (eg: go for a walk to be peaceful).

As a sensitive striver, you likely have a tendency to define achievement in a hyper-specific way, that is, complete and total excellence at all times. You don’t need to lower your bar, but you do need to broaden your scope of what qualifies as a “win.”

Achieving the desired outcome isn’t always in your control, so broaden your definition of success to include:

• Overcoming resistance or fear
• Pushing back and standing up for what you think is right
• Approaching a situation with a different mindset or attitude
• Taking a small step toward a goal

Take a few moments at the end of your workday to reflect not only on your professional highlights (praise, recognition, positive reviews, etc.), but also to consider moments where you made yourself proud. Acting in integrity with your values is the true definition of success.

As a sensitive striver, your desire to be the best is an asset when managed correctly.

Once you tamp down the tendency to be hard on yourself, you’ll be able to more fully leverage your sensitivity and ambition as the gifts they are.