<p>We live in a world where people get mad. Often, we tell the person “Calm down.”</p><p>Telling an angry person to <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/calm-yourself-down-advice/">calm down </a>is simple and direct and about as effective as eating soup with a fork. The person doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t. </p><p>Of course, there is a way to help an angry person calm down. It calls on combination of using distraction and then moving into problem-solving. Now, since no anger is the same, no approach comes with a guarantee. But by being in tune with the moment and how the two of you relate, the following phrases can get to calm.</p>

Calm Down

<ul><li><strong>“How am I right now?”</strong>(ask this yourself)</li><li><strong>Nothing</strong> (As in, say nothing)</li><li><strong>“Is it ridiculously cold right now?”</strong>(This question is off-center to make the person say, “What?”)</li><li><strong>“That’s so frustrating.”</strong>(Avoid “I” or “You” because they steal the spotlight or put the other person on their heels)</li><li><strong>“I wonder if it would help to take a walk and get some coffee?”</strong>(You’re leaving the scene and offering something else to do)</li><li><strong>“How will that work?”</strong>(get them to think “What do you want to do?”It’s building emotional literacy)</li><li><strong>“Shut up.”</strong>(You need to have a strong relationship)</li></ul>

7 Ways To Calm Them Down

<p>Whatever course you take and words you choose, ultimately, they need to be authentic.</p><p> Anything else will be blown off.<strong> “Know yourself and your limitations,” </strong>Abrams says. </p><p><strong><em>“It might be good advice but it’s not a costume I can wear.”</em></strong></p>

Know Yourself And Your Limitations

<h2>And no "calm down" isn't one of them. </h2><div dir="ltr">
                        
                        <div dir="ltr">By <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/author/steve-calechman/" title="Posts by Steve Calechman" rel="author" data-ev-loc="Body" data-ev-name="Byline - Top" data-ev-val="Steve Calechman" dir="ltr">Steve Calechman</a></div>
                        <div dir="ltr">Dec 15 2021, 3:11 PM</div>
                                                </div><img src="https://images.fatherly.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/calmangryperson-header.jpg?q=65&amp;enable=upscale&amp;w=600" srcset="https://images.fatherly.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/calmangryperson-header.jpg?q=65&amp;enable=upscale&amp;w=1200 1200w, https://images.fatherly.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/calmangryperson-header.jpg?q=65&amp;enable=upscale&amp;w=800 800w, https://images.fatherly.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/calmangryperson-header.jpg?q=65&amp;enable=upscale&amp;w=600 600w, https://images.fatherly.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/calmangryperson-header.jpg?q=65&amp;enable=upscale&amp;w=400 400w" width="600" height="315"><p dir="ltr">We live in a world where people get mad. Sometimes we’re the reason, so we <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/how-to-apologize-the-6-steps-of-the-perfect-apology/" dir="ltr">apologize</a>. Other times, we’re present as our spouse, friend, relative is <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/anger-mangement-too-angry-to-talk/" dir="ltr">angry</a>. Rather than be pure witness, we want to help. Often, we tell the person “Calm down.”</p><div>ADVERTISEMENT</div><p dir="ltr">Telling an angry person to <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/calm-yourself-down-advice/" dir="ltr">calm down</a> is simple and direct and about as effective as eating soup with a fork. The person doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t. Their limbic system has often hijacked the brain and when someone is in the fight-or-flight response, there’s no creativity, just a singular focus on the threat.</p><p>More than not getting through, those two words will most likely piss them off because the implicit message is: Your feelings are inappropriate and you can’t handle them.</p><p dir="ltr">“You’re usurping control and that escalates things,” says <a href="https://www.medstarhealth.org/doctors/jeff-bostic-md-edd" dir="ltr">Jeff Bostic</a>, psychiatrist at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital.</p><div>ADVERTISEMENT</div><p dir="ltr">“You’re lucky if they only tell you to, ‘Go fuck yourself,’” adds <a href="https://www.abramspsychservices.com/" dir="ltr">Mitch Abrams</a>, clinical psychologist in Tinton Falls and Fords, New Jersey.</p><p>Of course, there is a way to help an angry person calm down. It calls on combination of using distraction and then moving into problem-solving. Now, since no anger is the same, no approach comes with a guarantee. But by being in tune with the moment and how the two of you relate, the following phrases can get to calm.</p><h2 dir="ltr">1. “<em dir="ltr">How am I right now?”</em></h2><p dir="ltr">Before anything, ask yourself this. Seeing distress can cause you to feel the same, and you want to go in calm to help regulate the other person. The question lets you do a full-body check and might remind yourself to relax your shoulders or breathe fully, but also gives you time to determine how you want to be in the situation. “It’s taking intentionality,” says Beth Kurland, clinical psychologist and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Transformative-Power-Ten-Minutes-Cultivating/dp/194249727X" data-amzn-asin="194249727X" dir="ltr"><em dir="ltr">The Transformative Power of 10 Minutes</em></a>. And now that you’re present …</p><h2>2. Nothing.</h2><p>As in, say nothing. Your spouse or friend is running at 80 miles per hour and needs time to ramp down. That comes from being able to vent, i.e., not getting interrupted. Just listen, and more than the actual words, try to hear the emotions under them. The person gets to have their say and that’s all someone wants. “There’s an immediate softening when you’re feeling heard,” Kurland says. “It creates possibilities.”</p><div>ADVERTISEMENT</div><h2>3. “Is it ridiculously cold right now?”</h2><p>This question is off-center to make the person say, “What?,” but it’s also grounded in the shared moment. You could just as well ask, “What are your plans for the holidays?” or “How’s your mom?” It creates a slight pause for them to consider the answer, Bostic says.</p><p>Abrams adds that you could even try, “You want to get a burrito?,” if you sense the person isn’t completely red-lining. Whatever you do, when you lower the intensity, even for a few seconds, it’s hard to return to that level. “It takes energy to be angry,” he says.</p><h2>4. “That’s so frustrating.”</h2><p>If the temperature has gone down, you can move into empathizing. Avoid “I” or “You” because they steal the spotlight or put the other person on their heels. Staying in the general, third person lets you share and identify “without piling on,” Bostic says.</p><p>But one warning: Don’t say, “Those people do suck” or “Yeah, you should do that.” That’s pouring gasoline on the fire. “Validate without encouraging them,” Abrams says.</p><h2>5. “I wonder if it would help to take a walk and get some coffee?”</h2><p>You’re leaving the scene and offering something else to do. Keep the options limited, on the scale of two not 10, so it’s not overwhelming and the person has the final choice. “You’re imposing your frontal lobe on them, but doing it nicely,” Bostic says.</p><p>And while the brain doesn’t always multitask well, it does all right when one activity is familiar and takes little thought. Whatever you do is a transition, not necessarily the final solution. “It’s something to get them out of this rut,” he says.</p><div>ADVERTISEMENT</div><h2>6. “How will that work?”</h2><p dir="ltr">Even after someone has calmed down, they still might fume, “I want to hit the guy” or “I want to ruin that company.” You respond with, “I get it,” “Totally understand,” or “Don’t blame you,” followed with the above. You keep up the validation, because no one ever got in trouble for <em dir="ltr">feeling</em> like hitting someone. It’s acting on it where the trouble starts, Abrams says.</p><p>But then get them to think about consequences and ultimately, “What do you want to do?” It’s building emotional literacy, of not being afraid of feelings and realizing that anger can be motivating if it’s calibrated correctly. “You can be pissed, just not so pissed that you can’t do what you want to do,” he says.</p><h2>7. “Shut up.”</h2><p>This is a higher risk option to make the other person say, “Huh?” You’re redirecting the anger onto you and saying that it’s okay for it to go there and that you’re able to take the person to a safe place. But it’s a ballsy move and it hinges on credibility. You need to have a strong relationship and be viewed as someone who takes on hard issues.</p><p>Whatever course you take and words you choose, ultimately, they need to be authentic. Anything else will be blown off. “Know yourself and your limitations,” Abrams says. “It might be good advice but it’s not a costume I can wear.”</p><div>More Stuff You'll Love:</div>

When someone is angry or stressed out, the right words can help calm them down. Here are 7 phrases to consider using.

<p>We live in a world where people get mad. Sometimes we’re the reason, so we <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/how-to-apologize-the-6-steps-of-the-perfect-apology/">apologize </a>. Other times, we’re present as our spouse, friend, relative is <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/anger-mangement-too-angry-to-talk/">angry </a>. Rather than be pure witness, we want to help. Often, we tell the person “Calm down.” </p>

<p>Telling an angry person to <a href="https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/calm-yourself-down-advice/">calm down </a>is simple and direct and about as effective as eating soup with a fork. The person doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t. Their limbic system has often hijacked the brain and when someone is in the fight-or-flight response, there’s no creativity, just a singular focus on the threat. </p>

<p>More than not getting through, those two words will most likely piss them off because the implicit message is: Your feelings are inappropriate and you can’t handle them. </p>

<p>“You’re usurping control and that escalates things,” says <a href="https://www.medstarhealth.org/doctors/jeff-bostic-md-edd">Jeff Bostic </a>, psychiatrist at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital. </p>

<p>“You’re lucky if they only tell you to, ‘Go fuck yourself,’” adds <a href="https://www.abramspsychservices.com/">Mitch Abrams </a>, clinical psychologist in Tinton Falls and Fords, New Jersey. </p>

<p>Of course, there is a way to help an angry person calm down. It calls on combination of using distraction and then moving into problem-solving. Now, since no anger is the same, no approach comes with a guarantee. But by being in tune with the moment and how the two of you relate, the following phrases can get to calm. </p>

<p>Before anything, ask yourself this. Seeing distress can cause you to feel the same, and you want to go in calm to help regulate the other person. The question lets you do a full-body check and might remind yourself to relax your shoulders or breathe fully, but also gives you time to determine how you want to be in the situation. “It’s taking intentionality,” says Beth Kurland, clinical psychologist and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Transformative-Power-Ten-Minutes-Cultivating/dp/194249727X"><em>The Transformative Power of 10 Minutes </em> </a>. And now that you’re present … </p>

<p>As in, say nothing. Your spouse or friend is running at 80 miles per hour and needs time to ramp down. That comes from being able to vent, i.e., not getting interrupted. Just listen, and more than the actual words, try to hear the emotions under them. The person gets to have their say and that’s all someone wants. “There’s an immediate softening when you’re feeling heard,” Kurland says. “It creates possibilities.” </p>

3. “Is it ridiculously cold right now?”

<p>This question is off-center to make the person say, “What?,” but it’s also grounded in the shared moment. You could just as well ask, “What are your plans for the holidays?” or “How’s your mom?” It creates a slight pause for them to consider the answer, Bostic says. </p>

<p>Abrams adds that you could even try, “You want to get a burrito?,” if you sense the person isn’t completely red-lining. Whatever you do, when you lower the intensity, even for a few seconds, it’s hard to return to that level. “It takes energy to be angry,” he says. </p>

<p>If the temperature has gone down, you can move into empathizing. Avoid “I” or “You” because they steal the spotlight or put the other person on their heels. Staying in the general, third person lets you share and identify “without piling on,” Bostic says. </p>

<p>But one warning: Don’t say, “Those people do suck” or “Yeah, you should do that.” That’s pouring gasoline on the fire. “Validate without encouraging them,” Abrams says. </p>

5. “I wonder if it would help to take a walk and get some coffee?”

<p>You’re leaving the scene and offering something else to do. Keep the options limited, on the scale of two not 10, so it’s not overwhelming and the person has the final choice. “You’re imposing your frontal lobe on them, but doing it nicely,” Bostic says. </p>

<p>And while the brain doesn’t always multitask well, it does all right when one activity is familiar and takes little thought. Whatever you do is a transition, not necessarily the final solution. “It’s something to get them out of this rut,” he says. </p>

<p>Even after someone has calmed down, they still might fume, “I want to hit the guy” or “I want to ruin that company.” You respond with, “I get it,” “Totally understand,” or “Don’t blame you,” followed with the above. You keep up the validation, because no one ever got in trouble for <em>feeling </em>like hitting someone. It’s acting on it where the trouble starts, Abrams says. </p>

<p>But then get them to think about consequences and ultimately, “What do you want to do?” It’s building emotional literacy, of not being afraid of feelings and realizing that anger can be motivating if it’s calibrated correctly. “You can be pissed, just not so pissed that you can’t do what you want to do,” he says. </p>

<p>This is a higher risk option to make the other person say, “Huh?” You’re redirecting the anger onto you and saying that it’s okay for it to go there and that you’re able to take the person to a safe place. But it’s a ballsy move and it hinges on credibility. You need to have a strong relationship and be viewed as someone who takes on hard issues. </p>

<p>Whatever course you take and words you choose, ultimately, they need to be authentic. Anything else will be blown off. “Know yourself and your limitations,” Abrams says. “It might be good advice but it’s not a costume I can wear.” </p>

Bite-sized knowledge
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7 Things to Say to Help an Angry Person Calm Down

Calm Down

7 Ways To Calm Them Down

Know Yourself And Your Limitations

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

Falsely accused? Stay calm, because anger makes you look guilty

How watching 'comfort' TV can help ease an anxiety flare up

Here’s what your anger is telling you — and how you can talk back

It's time to

READ

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A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

7 Things to Say to Help an Angry Person Calm Down

Calm Down

7 Ways To Calm Them Down

Know Yourself And Your Limitations

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

Falsely accused? Stay calm, because anger makes you look guilty

How watching 'comfort' TV can help ease an anxiety flare up

Here’s what your anger is telling you — and how you can talk back

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career