Ask an Expert: I’m Jealous of My Friends’ Successes. How Do I Cope?

Not all envy is bad. There is healthy envy (applauding envy) and unhealthy envy (resenting envy.)

• Resenting envy refers to the tendency to believe that others shouldn’t have something just because we don’t have it. It’s rooted in fear. We may start to believe that for us to be successful, someone else has to fail.
• Applauding envy, helps us understand that our friends’ achievements don’t prevent our own successes. This doesn’t mean we pretend that we aren’t jealous or sad. Rather, it refers to our ability to acknowledge conflicting emotions: We can be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends.

Allow yourself to experience your envy fully, process it, and work through it. Begin by naming your feelings.

• Envy can be accompanied by embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, anger, or regret — so be as specific as possible. The goal here is to pay attention to your emotions without shame or judgment when they show up.
• Remember that there are no good or bad emotions, and no emotion is permanent. Every emotional experience is an opportunity for you to gather information about your deep-seated needs and desires — and eventually, use that information to guide your actions.