Not all envy is bad. There is healthy envy (applauding envy) and unhealthy envy (resenting envy.)<ul><li>Resenting envy refers to the tendency to believe that others shouldn’t have something just because we don’t have it. It’s rooted in fear. We may start to believe that for us to be successful, someone else has to fail.</li><li>Applauding envy, helps us understand that our friends’ achievements don’t prevent our own successes. This doesn’t mean we pretend that we aren’t jealous or sad. Rather, it refers to our ability to acknowledge conflicting emotions: We can be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends. </li></ul>

Understand envy

Allow yourself to experience your envy fully, process it, and work through it. Begin by naming your feelings.<ul><li>Envy can be accompanied by embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, anger, or regret — so be as specific as possible. The goal here is to pay attention to your emotions without shame or judgment when they show up. </li><li>Remember that there are no good or bad emotions, and no emotion is permanent. Every emotional experience is an opportunity for you to gather information about your deep-seated needs and desires — and eventually, use that information to guide your actions.</li></ul>

Feel your emotions

Once you acknowledge, label, and validate your emotions, let them guide you to explore the motivations and fears driving them.Think about what these rejections mean to you. While this self-reflection will not be an easy task, working through your feelings and understanding what really matters to you will inform what you do next. For instance, you may find that you feel jealous of your friend’s opportunity to learn new things, maybe more than the fact that they got into a top school. The former is something you have control over.

Reflect on what you really want

<img src="https://hbr.org/resources/images/article_assets/2022/02/A_Feb22_28_1038988602.jpg" width="630" height="354"><div class="caption" dir="ltr">
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		Summary.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
		Cheering for your friends as you cope with setbacks can be challenging. The feelings of envy and rejection can make it hard to fully be present in our friendships and support each other. But know that envy isn’t a “bad” emotion. Envy makes you human.

The first step...<button dir="ltr">more</button>
	</div><img src="https://hbr.org/resources/images/article_assets/2020/10/Ascend_Logo_2020_2x.png" alt="Ascend logo" width="105" height="25">Where your work meets your life. See more from Ascend <a href="https://hbr.org/insight-center/ascend" dir="ltr">here</a>.Dear Ascend,I’m in my senior year of college, majoring in computer science. My friend and I applied for a master’s at the same university. He got accepted while I’ve been waitlisted. In another instance, a few friends and I applied for an internship at a FAANG (Facebook, Amazon, Apple Netflix, and Google) company. Almost all of them received offers but I was rejected. In each situation, I believe that I’m just as qualified as my friends.I know I should feel happy for them, yet I can’t help but feel jealous as I see my friends succeed while I face setbacks. How am I supposed to face these rejections and maintain my friendships? Yours,Seeing greenDear SG,Ugh, I feel you! We all experience moments in life where we feel happiness mixed with a pang of jealousy. That doesn’t make us bad friends, partners, or siblings; it makes us human.I see two different issues here — responding to your own feelings about being waitlisted or rejected and responding to your friends’ successes. But at the core of both is the emotional pain associated with being left out. That emotional pain often shows up as envy. At its core, envy is just the recognition that you want something that you lack or that others have.Why does it feel so unbearable?Because, as humans, we crave social belongingness. Our emotional need to feel connected and accepted by those around us is <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection" dir="ltr">hardwired into our DNA</a> and essential to our<a href="https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/is-having-a-sense-of-belonging-important" dir="ltr"> health, happiness, and sense of self</a>.When our need for social connectedness is threatened — such as getting rejected from a job, not being invited to a lunch with our peers, or <a href="https://hbr.org/2020/07/when-and-how-to-respond-to-microaggressions" dir="ltr">facing a microaggression</a> at school or at work — it can make us feel isolated. This <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/" dir="ltr">emotional pain</a> registers in our brain the same way as physical pain. Our bodies perceive the stimuli that cause the pain as a threat and our natural response is to find ways to either fight or escape that pain (such as withdrawing from a friendship or attributing someone’s success to external factors like luck or circumstance). Feeling <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545/" dir="ltr">envy or jealousy</a> could be your way of dealing with the pain. That said, envy isn’t something to be ashamed about. It’s just your body’s way of telling you that you’re feeling emotional pain. Paying closer attention to this emotional state can help you learn about your emotional needs and desires, and find new ways to achieve them.Here’s how to get started.<h2>Step 1: Understand envy. </h2>Not all envy is bad. I like to make a distinction between healthy envy — which I call “applauding envy” — and unhealthy envy, or “resenting envy.”<a href="https://hbr.org/2021/06/how-to-make-envy-work-for-you" dir="ltr">Resenting envy</a> refers to the tendency to believe that others shouldn’t have something just because we don’t have it. This reaction not only leads to feelings of resentment toward our friends (that can often erode our relationships) but it can also create more anxiety and stress in our bodies because it’s rooted in fear. We may start to believe that for us to be successful, someone else has to fail.Applauding envy, on the other hand, is the ability to believe in abundance. This type of envy helps us understand that our friends’ achievements don’t prevent our own successes. This doesn’t mean we pretend that we aren’t jealous or sad. Rather, it refers to our ability to acknowledge conflicting emotions: We can be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends. It may feel difficult, especially if you’re feeling resenting envy right now, but you can choose to shift your perspective and use applauding envy to help you move forward.<h2 dir="ltr">Step 2: Feel your emotions.</h2>How do you shift your perspective? You allow yourself to experience your envy fully, process, and work through it. Begin by<a href="https://hbr.org/2021/11/5-terms-to-help-you-manage-your-mental-health" dir="ltr"> naming your feelings.</a>Envy can be accompanied with embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, anger, or regret — so be as specific as possible. The goal here is to pay attention to your emotions without shame or judgment when they show up. Remember that there are no good or bad emotions, and no emotion is permanent. Every emotional experience is an opportunity for you to gather information about your deep-seated needs and desires — and eventually, use that information to guide your actions.Ask yourself the following questions:<UL><LI>Do I feel a sense of loss? (grief, languish or sadness)</LI><LI>Am I missing the objects, connections, or people that I lost? (isolation, withdrawal, or loneliness)</LI><LI>Have I been wronged, violated, or mistreated? (anger or frustration)</LI><LI>Do I feel like I’m in danger? If so, why? (fear, anxiety, or worry)</LI><LI>Is what I’m feeling because of shame? (embarrassment, awkwardness, or disappointment)</LI></UL>Once you identify them, you can start replacing your negative self-talk with a more realistic assessment of your feelings (and the situation).For instance, you can replace “I couldn’t even do this. I’m just a failure!” with “I’m feeling sad and disappointed about my rejection — and that’s okay. My feelings are valid.”<h2>Step 3: Reflect on what you really want. &nbsp;</h2>Once you acknowledge, label, and validate your emotions, let them guide you to explore the motivations and fears driving them.Think about what these rejections mean to you. What about the loss hurts you the most? Are you more scared of disappointing your parents? Does being around peers who seem to be doing better than you feel embarrassing? What part of your friends’ internship do you most envy — their opportunity to go meet new people, the chance to put it on their resume, or the desire to be mentored?While it may be tempting to say “all of the above,” the truth is that the more you can clarify what this loss represents to you, the more you’ll know what matters most to you moving forward.Write down your answers about what rejection means to you on a piece of paper and be as specific and honest as possible. Now spend some time with your words and notice any patterns. Do any emotions show up more than once? What does that tell you?While this self-reflection will not be an easy task, working through your feelings and understanding what really matters to you will inform what you do next.&nbsp; For instance, you may find that you feel jealous of your friend’s opportunity to learn new things, maybe more than the fact that they got into a top school. The former is something you have control over.<div>
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Where your work meets your life. See more from Ascend <a href="https://hbr.org/insight-center/ascend">here </a>.

I’m in my senior year of college, majoring in computer science. My friend and I applied for a master’s at the same university. He got accepted while I’ve been waitlisted.

In another instance, a few friends and I applied for an internship at a FAANG (Facebook, Amazon, Apple Netflix, and Google) company. Almost all of them received offers but I was rejected.

In each situation, I believe that I’m just as qualified as my friends.

I know I should feel happy for them, yet I can’t help but feel jealous as I see my friends succeed while I face setbacks. How am I supposed to face these rejections and maintain my friendships?

Ugh, I feel you! We all experience moments in life where we feel happiness mixed with a pang of jealousy. That doesn’t make us bad friends, partners, or siblings; it makes us human.

I see two different issues here — responding to your own feelings about being waitlisted or rejected and responding to your friends’ successes. But at the core of both is the emotional pain associated with being left out. That emotional pain often shows up as envy. At its core, envy is just the recognition that you want something that you lack or that others have.

Because, as humans, we crave social belongingness. Our emotional need to feel connected and accepted by those around us is <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection">hardwired into our DNA </a>and essential to our<a href="https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/is-having-a-sense-of-belonging-important">health, happiness, and sense of self </a>.

When our need for social connectedness is threatened — such as getting rejected from a job, not being invited to a lunch with our peers, or <a href="https://hbr.org/2020/07/when-and-how-to-respond-to-microaggressions">facing a microaggression </a>at school or at work — it can make us feel isolated. This <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/">emotional pain </a>registers in our brain the same way as physical pain. Our bodies perceive the stimuli that cause the pain as a threat and our natural response is to find ways to either fight or escape that pain (such as withdrawing from a friendship or attributing someone’s success to external factors like luck or circumstance).

Feeling <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545/">envy or jealousy </a>could be your way of dealing with the pain. That said, envy isn’t something to be ashamed about. It’s just your body’s way of telling you that you’re feeling emotional pain. Paying closer attention to this emotional state can help you learn about your emotional needs and desires, and find new ways to achieve them.

Not all envy is bad. I like to make a distinction between healthy envy — which I call “applauding envy” — and unhealthy envy, or “resenting envy.”

<a href="https://hbr.org/2021/06/how-to-make-envy-work-for-you">Resenting envy </a>refers to the tendency to believe that others shouldn’t have something just because we don’t have it. This reaction not only leads to feelings of resentment toward our friends (that can often erode our relationships) but it can also create more anxiety and stress in our bodies because it’s rooted in fear. We may start to believe that for us to be successful, someone else has to fail.

Applauding envy, on the other hand, is the ability to believe in abundance. This type of envy helps us understand that our friends’ achievements don’t prevent our own successes. This doesn’t mean we pretend that we aren’t jealous or sad. Rather, it refers to our ability to acknowledge conflicting emotions: We can be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends. It may feel difficult, especially if you’re feeling resenting envy right now, but you can choose to shift your perspective and use applauding envy to help you move forward.

How do you shift your perspective? You allow yourself to experience your envy fully, process, and work through it. Begin by<a href="https://hbr.org/2021/11/5-terms-to-help-you-manage-your-mental-health">naming your feelings. </a>

Envy can be accompanied with embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, anger, or regret — so be as specific as possible. The goal here is to pay attention to your emotions without shame or judgment when they show up. Remember that there are no good or bad emotions, and no emotion is permanent. Every emotional experience is an opportunity for you to gather information about your deep-seated needs and desires — and eventually, use that information to guide your actions.

Ask yourself the following questions:

<ul><li>Do I feel a sense of loss? (grief, languish or sadness) </li><li>Am I missing the objects, connections, or people that I lost? (isolation, withdrawal, or loneliness) </li><li>Have I been wronged, violated, or mistreated? (anger or frustration) </li><li>Do I feel like I’m in danger? If so, why? (fear, anxiety, or worry) </li><li>Is what I’m feeling because of shame? (embarrassment, awkwardness, or disappointment) </li> </ul>

Once you identify them, you can start replacing your negative self-talk with a more realistic assessment of your feelings (and the situation).

For instance, you can replace “I couldn’t even do this. I’m just a failure!” with “I’m feeling sad and disappointed about my rejection — and that’s okay. My feelings are valid.”

Once you acknowledge, label, and validate your emotions, let them guide you to explore the motivations and fears driving them.

Think about what these rejections mean to you. What about the loss hurts you the most? Are you more scared of disappointing your parents? Does being around peers who seem to be doing better than you feel embarrassing? What part of your friends’ internship do you most envy — their opportunity to go meet new people, the chance to put it on their resume, or the desire to be mentored?

While it may be tempting to say “all of the above,” the truth is that the more you can clarify what this loss represents to you, the more you’ll know what matters most to you moving forward.

Write down your answers about what rejection means to you on a piece of paper and be as specific and honest as possible. Now spend some time with your words and notice any patterns. Do any emotions show up more than once? What does that tell you?

While this self-reflection will not be an easy task, working through your feelings and understanding what really matters to you will inform what you do next.  For instance, you may find that you feel jealous of your friend’s opportunity to learn new things, maybe more than the fact that they got into a top school. The former is something you have control over.

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Ask an Expert: I’m Jealous of My Friends’ Successes. How Do I Cope?

Understand envy

Feel your emotions

Reflect on what you really want

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How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

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Ask an Expert: I’m Jealous of My Friends’ Successes. How Do I Cope?

Understand envy

Feel your emotions

Reflect on what you really want

IDEAS ABOUT

MORE LIKE THIS

How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

Ask an Expert: How Do I Advocate For Myself at Work?

Ask an Expert: What Should I Do If My Boss Is Gaslighting Me?

It's time to

READ

LIKE

A PRO!

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career