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The value of complaining
As important and healing as gratitude is, we can't be grateful all the time. There is a time when we also have to make room for complaints.
For weeks, we've been going through phases. Hoarding and planning move into anxiety and stress, and now we've entered the stale phase. We've planned to be productive, but struggle to self-motivate.
Complaining is a survival tool to help you cope if you use it wisely.
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Complaining is better with others
- Make space for other people to vent aloud. They know that they are powerless, and they have to accept the situation. Venting gives them the illusion that they are in control.
- Have a little competition with your best complaints.
- Create a house chart of complaints where your kids can let out their own.
- Avoid complaining mistakes (such as: getting carried away by anger, firing too many complaints at a time or thinking that complaining alone will save us from our problems).
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The form fights take
- The first dynamic of an argument: you gather the information that reinforces your beliefs and neglect information that challenges them.
- The second dynamic: the negative attribution theory. If I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day.
- The third dynamic: the negative escalation cycle. This is when we instigate from a person the very behavior we don’t want.
Mistakes during arguments
- "Holding: the absolute truth: We think that when we say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience. If I feel it, then it must be a fact.
- Using the words "always" and "never:" I always do all the work/You never help with the work. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.
- Chronic criticism: It happens when you criticize so much that you leave the other person feeling like he can never do anything right.
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Relationships terms
- Ghosting: Stopping communications suddenly and completely with someone you are dating, but no longer want to date. You cannot face the pain you will inflict, so you make it invisible by disappearing.
- Icing: Making up a reason to prolong the relationship. "I'm too busy." You want the person to hang on and be there if you change your mind.
- Simmering: Reducing the frequency of dates and communication. You know it isn't working, but you like the security of the relationship while you browse other options.
- Power parting: You know it isn't working and end the relationship conclusively. "This isn't working for me. Thank you for sharing your world. I enjoyed our time together and wish you all my best."
Bringing back relationship accountability
Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifesting the decline of empathy in our society. This encourages selfishness in one party without regard to the consequences of others.
Try to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, even when they were short in duration. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both parties to enter another relationship with a clear head rather than with insecurity.