How to handle a lopsided friendship

It’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume that if we don’t hear from someone as often as we’d like to, that means they don’t like us, or they don’t value our friendship.

More likely: The other person is just busy — it’s not that deep.

The solution for baseless assumptions? Challenge these beliefs, which are likely way off-base. Are these negative thoughts based in reality, or is this your insecurity speaking? 

People often wait to alert their friend to an issue until it’s boiled over from annoyance to full-on anger. The best time to address the issue is when you begin feeling that distance or imbalance in the relationship.

You might be tempted to blurt out, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while. What gives?” But that could put your friend on the defence. Instead, let them know you’re reaching out to them out of a desire for their company, and not accusing them of what they’re failing to do.

Your friend may be feeling like this is more of a logistics problem, and isn’t aware that you’re open to changing your established routine. So the next time you reach out, you could say something like:

• Would you want to try something different the next time we meet? Maybe we can grab tea instead of cocktails?
• Instead of meeting up for brunch, maybe we could grab a coffee or go for a walk in the park?
• Maybe we can go on a double date so we can include our significant others?

Your friend also might prefer to change the mode and frequency of communication. Maybe texting is better for them instead of taking phone calls. Or they might want to talk on the phone once a week instead of exchanging DMs on a social platform they’re no longer using. Ask!

Lots of people may find themselves on the opposite side of the spectrum: They’re the ones who are too snowed under to invest in their friendships. In this case, it is your responsibility, as a friend, to let the other person know about what they can expect from you for the foreseeable future.

It saves a lot of heartache for everyone if you tell them the truth about what is going on with you.

If you need to let a friend know you won’t be as available in the future try saying this:

• I know we tend to talk on the phone for hours, but I probably have an hour max on Sundays before I have to prepare for the week.
• It’s been really hard for me to talk on the phone lately, so texting is the best way to reach me these next few weeks.
• Hey, I know we usually talk every week. In this season of work, I’m swamped. I’ll drop you a line when things calm down.