What I’ve learned from 10 years of therapy - and why it’s time to stop
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We survive (in the broadest sense) our childhoods by figuring out how to fit into our families, our roles, our small world; we learn about relationships from our parents. We then carry these ways of being into our adult lives where, in many cases, they are no longer useful, or relevant.
Once this truth is established, it leads to more interesting conversations.
Understanding that you not flawed – or, more accurately, that we all are, so get over it – and that you must dictate what shape your life takes gives you the freedom to think about the choices you could make in future.
With this newfound insight that your parents are not responsible for your state, only you are, comes a sense of freedom.
This phrase is bandied around so freely in self-help articles and on fridge magnets, it has almost lost its meaning.
Your sense of freedom and responsibility comes from self-acceptance, and responsibility can also mean being positively responsive.
The cliche goes that therapists nod their heads wisely and say: “And how did that make you feel?” They do say this sometimes; and in fact, when no one has ever asked you this question before, it’s extremely powerful when they do, repeatedly.
This repetition starts to have an effect: it makes you see that your feelings are valid; they aren’t right or wrong – they just are.
Silences are often when the juiciest things come out. It takes courage to sit with it.
If you fill your silence to avoid awkwardness, you’re actually avoiding something else - an intimacy, a genuine thought, an ability to feel a little exposed.
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Therapy does not solve your problems, it makes you strong and self-sufficient to handle problems.
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