Am I Normal? - Deepstash
Am I Normal?

Am I Normal?

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Are You Normal?

Am I Normal? It's common to wonder whether we're normal, but we might want to use caution.

But what does normal even mean, anyway?

Well, I guess that depends on how you define it. Since the 1500s, weā€™ve attached a host of other meanings to the term. Here are a few:

ā€œConforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; naturalā€

ā€œServing to establish a standardā€

ā€œApproximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustmentā€

ā€œFree from any mental disorder; saneā€

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Normality

Thatā€™s an admirable attempt to define normal. And it probably does the job if weā€™re talking about it in a value-free way. But we generally donā€™t use "normal" in this manner, do we?

I donā€™t know about you, but when I hear folks talk about whatā€™s normal, it often translates into an underlying question or idea thatā€™s much more profound. For example:

ā€œAm I normal?ā€ Read: ā€œAre most people like me?ā€

ā€œIs this normal?ā€ Read: ā€œDo most other people do, feel, or think what I do, feel, or think?ā€

"Thatā€™s normal, right?" Read: ā€œPlease reassure me that Iā€™m not alone in what I do, feel, or think.ā€

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What We Are Really Talking About

Now letā€™s do one more translation to get at what weā€™re really talking about: ā€œAm I okay? Is what Iā€™m doing, thinking, or feeling acceptable?ā€

ā€œThis is quite normal. A lot of people have the same sort of experience.ā€

This reply generally brings a wave of comfort, as a burden is lifted off someoneā€™s shoulders. Of course, this doesnā€™t mean that the original concern the person was asking about just vanishes.

Yet, the relief that comes when people realize theyā€™re not as different as they feared illustrates what I like to think of as the layer cake of our personal experience.

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Layers

Layer one contains what happens to us in life, from the heart-wrenching to the intensely sublime, and everything in between.

Layer two comprises of our actions, emotions, and thoughts, including our reactions to lifeā€™s moments and circumstances from layer one.

Now, layer three is made up of how we brand the other two layers. If we tag a situation, an action, a feeling, or a thought as ā€œnormal,ā€ we often take this to mean that even if it's unpleasant, itā€™s pretty typical, and weā€™re not alone.

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Abnormal

We can at least weather the storm weā€™re dealing with in layers one or two without having a burden on layer three to contend with.

For example, the self-consciousness that arises when meeting new people can become a little easier to bear with and accept when someone knows that many others face this too.

On the other hand, the stamp ā€œabnormalā€ just stacks more distress upon us, sometimes even more than our original experience in layers one or two.

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How We Behave

For instance, if a person believes intense sadness is something that only ā€œweakā€ or ā€œweirdā€ people feel, then the shame and fear that thereā€™s something wrong with them get heaped on top of the sadness.

In other words, now thereā€™s a whole new problem, and it may feel so real that we donā€™t even realize itā€™s unintentionally self-created.

We gauge being whole and healthy based on how most (or many) people are. We reach conclusions about whether thereā€™s something wrong with how we behave, feel, and think based on the degree to which we are different from, or similar to, other people.

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Social Influence

On the one hand, itā€™s understandable that we look to others for hints on how to act and feel, for clues on how to think about ourselves, people, and the world.

Social influence is powerful and pervasive, and most of us are highly motivated to fit in.

We are deeply social, relational creatures. In line with this, research shows that when we are lonely, our health and quality of life take a major hit.

So it makes sense that we determine whether weā€™re "normal" by taking our cues from others. At the same time, there are a few reasons why we might want to do this judiciously.

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Reasons for Being Normal

Reason 1: It might not always be so healthy to be ā€œnormalā€ by the groupā€™s standards.

For example, in the recent past, it would have been entirely normal to smoke cigarettes anywhere, including hospitals and airplanes.

Reason 2: ā€œNormalā€ can be a moving, biased target.

Have you ever heard of ā€œdrapetomania?ā€ In 1851, Dr. Samuel Adolphus Cartwright created this term to refer to a psychological condition. And how would you know whether you had it? Well, if you tried to escape slavery, youā€™d qualify.

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Psychological Problems

Thatā€™s right. If you were a slave and endeavored to be free, this would have been a symptom of a psychological problem and labeled abnormal.

In a more recent example, up until 1973, if you were gay, bisexual, or lesbian, you also would have been diagnosed as having a psychological disorder.

Reason 3: What you might think of as abnormal is actually quite typical.

Do you beat yourself up because you donā€™t feel a high level of enthusiasm or investment in your work? Eighty-five percent of people around the world are right there with you.

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The Stigma

Do you find that you donā€™t feel all that gratified and content with your life, and youā€™re hard on yourself for feeling this way?

Do you wonder whatā€™s the matter with you, and why you canā€™t be more happy-go-lucky like other folks seem to be?

You might want to check that assumption because a poll reveals that only 33 percent of people consider themselves ā€œhappy.ā€

As a psychologist, Iā€™m keenly aware of the stigma many individuals associate with being diagnosed with a psychological condition, convinced it makes them abnormal.

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Statistics

And yet, when we look at the statistics, approximately 46 percent of the population will meet the diagnostic criteria for a psychological disorder at some point in their lifetime.

Thatā€™s practically the equivalent of a coin toss. Does this mean that people shouldnā€™t seek help or support if theyā€™re suffering? Of course not.

But it does mean itā€™s time to re-examine the idea that having a psychological condition means a person is different from everyone else.

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Normal vs Abnormal

Reason 4: Abnormal can be wonderful.

Think about the people you admire most. Are they normal? Probably not. They likely have some remarkable characteristics, abilities, and skills, such as immense degrees of kindness, courage, compassion, intelligence, comedic ability, adventurousness, creativity, or athletic ability.

Reason 5: Trying too hard to be ā€œnormalā€ can get in the way of living your life.

Do you have a hobby, an interest, a habit, a personal quirk, or a way of life that is a bit off the well-trodden path, but doesnā€™t hurt you or anyone else? Does it bring you happiness and fulfillment?

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Life Is Priceless

Good for you. Abnormal can mean weā€™re walking to the beat of our own drum and living life authentically.

Life is priceless and fleeting, so letā€™s live it on our terms and embrace our own inner weirdness, our eccentricities, and oddities.

Rest assured, everybody has them.

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References

Colman, A. (2008). Drapetomania. In A Dictionary of Psychology (3rd ed.). doi: 10.1093/acref/9780199534067.001.0001Cummings, K., & Proctor, R. (2014). The changing public image of smoking in the United States: 1964-2014. Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention : A Publication of the American Association for Cancer Research, Cosponsored by the American Society of Preventive Oncology, 23, 32-36.

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IDEAS CURATED BY

antoniogallo

bibliomania

CURATOR'S NOTE

The importance of being normal

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Antonio Gallo's ideas are part of this journey:

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