FYI: Empathy And Sympathy Are Totally Different

The biggest difference between empathy and sympathy is how much you are trying to connect with someone on a personal level in your interaction. Empathy is when you really listen for a feeling and try to relate to the feeling for a moment and you convey an understanding of that person’s feelings, whereas sympathy is focused on feeling sorry for someone and potentially even pitying them. You’re not working to understand how they feel; you’re putting yourself at a distance.

One example she gives to illustrate this difference: If a sympathetic person sees a houseless person, they might give that person change and go on about their day. An empathetic person, however, would spend time with a houseless person, maybe taking them for a meal, and attempt to connect with them on a human level.

When you're expressing empathy...

• You try to connect with the person.
• You offer validating statements that let the person know it's okay to have these emotions.
• You might respond with phrases like, "I get it. You have every right to feel that way."

When you're expressing sympathy...

• You can't necessarily relate to the person's situation.
• Your statements put a little bit of distance between you and that person.
• You might respond with phrases like, "I feel sorry for you" or "You poor thing."

The short answer? Almost always. By trying to relate your friend's feelings, you're not only validating them and their reaction; you're also letting them know that the emotional reaction they're having is okay—it's human. The key here is that the other person should then act on their feelings in an emotionally intelligent or constructive way. Empathy does not give them a free pass to respond however they may want.

Empathy, helps a person feel less alone in their plight and feel connected and close to someone. This can help them feel that they’re more apt or able to solve their own problems.

You may not have gone through this person's exact situation, but you can tap into other moments in your life where you've experienced that emotion. Think more about relating to the feeling than trying to understand the situation itself. Feelings are universal...I know exactly how it feels to feel left out. I know exactly how it feels to feel put down. Trying to understand the feeling—that’s what you’re going for.

When you think you might be leaning toward sympathy or pity with a loved one, remember to relate to them through the feeling they're expressing. When was the last time you felt such a way, and what do you wish someone might've told you during that time? That can help guide you toward an empathetic response in appropriate situations.

Compassion is the basis of both sympathy and empathy. Leonard likes to think of compassion as "trying to understand and feeling for another person," which means it's a useful tool in both sympathetic and empathetic reactions. Sometimes, tapping into your compassionate side can help you bridge the gap between yourself and someone else. And any time you're trying your best to understand another person, says Leonard, you're doing something right.

“Compassion is the wish to see others free from suffering.”

-Dalai Lama