<ul>
<li>Many people need approval from others when it comes to one’s shortcomings and the inability to be perfect. It is comforting to seek and get some sort of validation, but there is a price to pay for this. </li>
<li>The trap that people fall into is called the ‘borrowing self’ where they depend on others' reassurances. </li>
<li>This can take the form of texting friends for their input, copying their choice, asking a partner to validate a decision, or even doing what the experts are saying.</li>
</ul>

Emotional Validation

To wean off the dependence on other people’s validation, we need to ask ourselves the following:
<ol>
<li>Can I be responsible for myself today?</li>
<li>If I was to complete only one task, what would I do?</li>
<li>What solid evidence would there be to prove my productivity for the day?</li>
<li>Can I strengthen an important relationship today?</li>
</ol>

Espace The Need For Outside Validation

We will continue to seek the help of other people to get overcome difficult times, and that's ok. But we shouldn’t let that overpower our ability to think for ourselves. 
There is great ease in knowing that your life reflects what’s most important to you.

The Need For Validation Never Really Goes Away

<figure><img src="https://miro.medium.com/max/500/1*WCcDgJ8P2mRaaGUnTnqI_A.jpeg" width="680" height="453"><figcaption dir="auto">Photo: Tom Werner/Getty Images</figcaption></figure>Lately, many of my therapy clients have asked some version of the same question: “It’s okay to not have it all together, right?”It’s a question I’m seeing plenty of in my personal life, too. I’m on a group text with friends where we regularly send photos of towering laundry piles and chaotic kitchens, or confess that we had tater tots for dinner again. It’s cathartic to read their messages, to see the mess of other peoples’ lives instead of the tidy lies posted to social media. And, of course, it’s comforting to seek — and get — validation for our own perceived shortcomings.There’s nothing wrong with wanting that validation. We all want to feel understood and supported when we’re in distress. But it’s worth asking ourselves: What’s the trade-off? What do I lose when I need a text from a friend, or a nod from my therapist, to justify my own decisions?Many of my clients look to me for permission to make the decisions they want to make, and I’m usually tempted to comfort them by granting it. But when I feel myself about to fall into that trap, I remind them that my thinking is not more powerful than their own. I challenge them to think about how they use their relationships to manage anxiety and self-criticism, and about how this dependence can inhibit their own ability to evaluate themselves.The solution isn’t a pep talk from me, or from anyone — it’s paying attention to how you use your relationships to calm down.<h4>forge.medium.com</h4><h1 data-selectable-paragraph="">We often trick ourselves into feeling confident</h1>When we’re distressed, we want to <a rel="noopener" href="https://forge.medium.com/how-to-not-look-away-4bc36e098ac1" dir="ltr">feel calm and confident</a> as quickly as possible. And often, the fastest way to accomplish this is to borrow reassurance from those around us. This is called “borrowing self,” and it allows us to pretend to be more put together than we actually are.Borrowing self can look like:<UL><LI>Texting friends to ask for reassurance.</LI><LI>Doing whatever the “experts” say.</LI><LI>Copying friends’ choices without thinking for yourself.</LI><LI>Asking your partner to validate your decisions.</LI><LI>Asking for permission to not do something.</LI></UL>When you start to pay attention to all the ways you borrow self from others, you begin to see how automatic the behavior can be. It’s easier to text a friend, “I don’t have to do this, right?” than it is to sit down, do your own thinking, and own whatever conclusion you reach. It’s easier to google, “Why you should take a mental health day from work” than it is to simply decide that you’re going to ask for the time you need.The problem isn’t that we’re too hard on ourselves. It’s that we need other people to tell us not to be.<h1 data-selectable-paragraph="">Our decisions are more complicated than we acknowledge</h1>Right now, many of us are struggling with self-criticism more than ever before. We’re confined, anxious, uncertain about the future, and unsure <a rel="noopener" href="https://forge.medium.com/dont-try-to-fix-anything-right-now-eb28b99816e2" dir="ltr">how to define success</a> when the metrics we once used to measure it are now almost laughably unrealistic.When my clients want to focus on their goals in therapy, I challenge them to ask this question first: “How do I make decisions every day?” Because if you’re relying on your relationships or the internet for your definition of success, then you’re not bringing very much of yourself — your own thinking, your own values — to whatever you’re trying to accomplish.If you want to rely less on borrowing confidence from others, then you need your own system for evaluating what a good day looks like, based on a clear-eyed assessment of your life and abilities. Too often, we’re quick to borrow someone else’s definition of a good life, without stopping to consider what allows them to reach it — and what trade-offs they may be making to get there. Maybe your friend without kids can run a few miles every day, but what’s realistic for you? Maybe your partner springs out of bed at 5:00 every morning, but how has that become your standard to live up to?<h4>forge.medium.com</h4>To help my therapy clients learn to wean themselves off of other people’s validation, I ask them to come up with one or two questions they want to use every day to guide their thinking. Here are some of the questions they’ve generated:<UL><LI>How would I like to be <a rel="noopener" href="https://forge.medium.com/the-fastest-way-to-become-the-person-you-want-to-be-47a8239a247" dir="ltr">responsible for myself today</a>?</LI><LI>If I could only complete one task today, what would it be?</LI><LI>What would be solid evidence that I was productive today?</LI><LI>Is there any important relationship I’d like to strengthen today?</LI></UL>Starting your day with a good question kickstarts the part of your brain that problem-solves through a challenge, rather than the part that panics. And it ensures that you’ll make decisions based on your own values, rather than some externally imposed idea of what success looks like. This practice also can help you be more objective about how you’re doing, so you won’t have to constantly ask others for reassurance.The need for validation never truly goes away. We will continue to rely on other people to get through tough times, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Humans are social creatures, and we were built to borrow each other’s brains to survive.But we shouldn’t let that overpower our ability to think for ourselves, to evaluate how we’re doing and what we want. The more we can rely on this trait, the more maturity and thoughtfulness we bring to uncertain times. There is great comfort in knowing that your life reflects what’s most important to you.

If you look for emotional validation to feel better about your choices, you lose the ability to define success for yourself.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

habits

Habits

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Lately, many of my therapy clients have asked some version of the same question: “It’s okay to not have it all together, right?” It’s a question I’m seeing plenty of in my personal life, too. I’m on a group text with friends where we regularly send photos of towering laundry piles and chaotic kitchens, or confess that we had tater tots for dinner again. It’s cathartic to read their messages, to see the mess of other peoples’ lives instead of the tidy lies posted to social media. And, of course, it’s comforting to seek — and get — validation for our own perceived shortcomings.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting that validation. We all want to feel understood and supported when we’re in distress. But it’s worth asking ourselves: What’s the trade-off? What do I lose when I need a text from a friend, or a nod from my therapist, to justify my own decisions?

Many of my clients look to me for permission to make the decisions they want to make, and I’m usually tempted to comfort them by granting it. But when I feel myself about to fall into that trap, I remind them that my thinking is not more powerful than their own. I challenge them to think about how they use their relationships to manage anxiety and self-criticism, and about how this dependence can inhibit their own ability to evaluate themselves.

We often trick ourselves into feeling confident

The solution isn’t a pep talk from me, or from anyone — it’s paying attention to how you use your relationships to calm down. When we’re distressed, we want to <a dir="ltr" href="https://forge.medium.com/how-to-not-look-away-4bc36e098ac1" rel="noopener">feel calm and confident </a>as quickly as possible. And often, the fastest way to accomplish this is to borrow reassurance from those around us. This is called “borrowing self,” and it allows us to pretend to be more put together than we actually are.

Borrowing self can look like: <ul><li>Texting friends to ask for reassurance. </li><li>Doing whatever the “experts” say. </li><li>Copying friends’ choices without thinking for yourself. </li><li>Asking your partner to validate your decisions. </li><li>Asking for permission to not do something. </li> </ul>When you start to pay attention to all the ways you borrow self from others, you begin to see how automatic the behavior can be. It’s easier to text a friend, “I don’t have to do this, right?” than it is to sit down, do your own thinking, and own whatever conclusion you reach. It’s easier to google, “Why you should take a mental health day from work” than it is to simply decide that you’re going to ask for the time you need.

Our decisions are more complicated than we acknowledge

Right now, many of us are struggling with self-criticism more than ever before. We’re confined, anxious, uncertain about the future, and unsure <a dir="ltr" href="https://forge.medium.com/dont-try-to-fix-anything-right-now-eb28b99816e2" rel="noopener">how to define success </a>when the metrics we once used to measure it are now almost laughably unrealistic. When my clients want to focus on their goals in therapy, I challenge them to ask this question first: “How do I make decisions every day?” Because if you’re relying on your relationships or the internet for your definition of success, then you’re not bringing very much of yourself — your own thinking, your own values — to whatever you’re trying to accomplish.

If you want to rely less on borrowing confidence from others, then you need your own system for evaluating what a good day looks like, based on a clear-eyed assessment of your life and abilities. Too often, we’re quick to borrow someone else’s definition of a good life, without stopping to consider what allows them to reach it — and what trade-offs they may be making to get there. Maybe your friend without kids can run a few miles every day, but what’s realistic for you? Maybe your partner springs out of bed at 5:00 every morning, but how has that become your standard to live up to?

To help my therapy clients learn to wean themselves off of other people’s validation, I ask them to come up with one or two questions they want to use every day to guide their thinking. Here are some of the questions they’ve generated: <ul><li>How would I like to be <a dir="ltr" href="https://forge.medium.com/the-fastest-way-to-become-the-person-you-want-to-be-47a8239a247" rel="noopener">responsible for myself today </a>? </li><li>If I could only complete one task today, what would it be? </li><li>What would be solid evidence that I was productive today? </li><li>Is there any important relationship I’d like to strengthen today? </li> </ul>Starting your day with a good question kickstarts the part of your brain that problem-solves through a challenge, rather than the part that panics. And it ensures that you’ll make decisions based on your own values, rather than some externally imposed idea of what success looks like. This practice also can help you be more objective about how you’re doing, so you won’t have to constantly ask others for reassurance.

The need for validation never truly goes away. We will continue to rely on other people to get through tough times, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Humans are social creatures, and we were built to borrow each other’s brains to survive. But we shouldn’t let that overpower our ability to think for ourselves, to evaluate how we’re doing and what we want. The more we can rely on this trait, the more maturity and thoughtfulness we bring to uncertain times. There is great comfort in knowing that your life reflects what’s most important to you.

There’s a Price to Pay for Emotional Validation

Emotional Validation

Espace The Need For Outside Validation

The Need For Validation Never Really Goes Away

Related collections

Other curated ideas on this topic: