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10 Common Relationship Myths (and Why They're All Wrong)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201508/10-common-relationship-myths-and-why-theyre-all-wrong

psychologytoday.com

10 Common Relationship Myths (and Why They're All Wrong)
We enter into relationships with certain beliefs about what good ones are supposed to be like and how we're supposed to feel when we're in one. These assumptions not only determine our behavior in the relationship; they also form the basis for assessing our relationship satisfaction and our views about the long-term compatibility of our partners.

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Good Relationships Take Work

Good Relationships Take Work

Merging your own ever-shifting life, needs and wants with those of another person takes work if it is to succeed.

How much work it actually takes might ebb and flow, but expect to invest attention and work even in the best of times.

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Your Partner’s Flaws

Your Partner’s Flaws

Loving your partner's flaws is not always realistic. Some people have habits that are slightly disgusting and impossible to "love." 

Simply accepting them and learning how to shrug them off and minimize their importance is much more realistic.

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Going To Bed Angry

Going To Bed Angry

The context might be such that you just can’t solve a problem before bed. Be realistic and settle for an agreement to never go to bed without at least deciding when to continue the discussion or argument.

Also, some people actually need to cool down before they can continue a productive discussion, so taking a break could be wise.

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Couples That Argue

Couples That Argue

It’s scientifically established that what matters is not if coupes argue but how they argue. 

Productive arguments avoid escalation and result in effective problem-solving and mutually agreed on takeaways for dealing with similar situations in the future. 

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Focusing Only On Romantic Love

Focusing Only On Romantic Love

A good romantic relationship is not the only relationship you need. This might be true if both of you are massively co-dependent but assuming you’re not, one person asserting this to his or her partner is either an attempt to control that person or just sheer ignorance about our basic psychological need for friendship and community.

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A Baby Doesn't Solve Problems

A Baby Doesn't Solve Problems

Having a baby is the most stressful thing you could possibly do to a relationship. Marital satisfaction almost always dips after the birth of a couple’s first child; account for that when doing family planning.

If you’re having problems a baby won’t make them disappear, so deal with them directly.

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Assuming They Can Read Your Mind

Assuming They Can Read Your Mind

Your partner can tell if you are upset but they’ve probably done a thousand things to upset you over the years, so figuring out which of them is the culprit this time is a risky proposition.

Don’t stew and wait for them to confess. Just telling them why you’re upset will save you both time and aggravation.

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Sexual Expectations

Sexual Expectations

Faulty sexual expectations often cause dissatisfaction. If one partner believes the frequency of sex in relationships should be different they may wrongly conclude that something is wrong with the relationship.

The frequency of sex depends on the sex drive of both partners, circumstances, and opportunities. And those are fluid things that only you and your partner can discuss and set.

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Avoiding Voicing Dissatisfaction

Avoiding Voicing Dissatisfaction

The beginning of a relationship sets future expectations about the roles you each will play, your initiative levels, communication styles, and other relationship dynamics. 

When you don’t voice your dissatisfaction, your partner may interpret your silence as acceptance and grow to expect it, which perpetuates the situation.

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"Meant To Be" Relationships

"Meant To Be" Relationships

Relationships "meant to be" don't just work out. Relationships need to be actively managed otherwise your mutual passivity and lack of effort may doom it.

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If you want a solid bond, you have to trust your significant other and communicate if you have concerns about his fidelity.

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Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal, but screaming matches and every day fighting isn’t.

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Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal, but screaming matches and every day fighting isn’t.

People who seek out conflict in their relationship for the intense reconciliation are often addicted to the dopamine that they get after the fight is over – which isn’t healthy for either person.

Keeping the peace

Ignoring problems in a relationship in order to avoid conflict will only mean that the problems pile up until they can no longer be ignored – and by then, it might be too hard to fix.

Relationship Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of The Relationship Apocalypse:

  • Criticism: is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner.
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Building "Love Maps"

It means getting to know your partner really well, including his/her internal psychological world.

Ask questions, deep and personal ones. Get past“When will you be there?” or “Don’t forget to pick up milk.”

Show Admiration

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner.

Masters see their partners as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.