4 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Do

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Criticizing Others

One of the reasons it's so easy to slip into habitually criticizing others is that it makes us feel good:

When you point out to yourself that someone else is dumb, you're also implying that you're smart. And that feels good.
When you criticize someone else for being naive, what you're really doing it telling yourself that you're sophisticated. And that feels good.
When you silently chuckle to yourself about how terrible someone's fashion sense is, you're telling yourself how refined your own taste is. And that feels good.

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And that's what chronic worriers do. They're so afraid of uncertainty, and so unwilling to live with it, that they trick themselves into thinking they can make the future less uncertain - by thinking about it constantly!

Chronic worriers live under the illusion that thinking is always problem-solving and that planning always leads to greater levels of preparedness. But neither of those are true:

Just because you're thinking about a problem doesn't mean you're thinking about it productively.
And just because you're planning - running through countless hypothetical future scenarios - doesn't mean you're any better equipped to handle them. Often, you're just making yourself feel more prepared.

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Expecting Too Much

But what does it mean, exactly, to maintain an unrealistic expectation?

Simply put, it means you spend time crafting stories in your head about what other people should do. And when they inevitably fail to live up to those standards, you reflexively compare reality to those expectations and feel frustrated and disappointed.

And how do you respond to this frustration and disappointment? By creating even stronger and more elaborate expectations, because it makes you feel good and in control!

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Just like we humans crave order and certainty, we also crave control. We're obsessed with the idea that, with enough effort and perseverance, we can do or achieve anything.

Of course, most people who get stuck ruminating endlessly on past mistakes and failures don't actually belief that they can change the past. Instead, ruminating about the past gives the them the illusion of control, however fleeting and temporary.

When you've done something bad or made a mistake in the past, you naturally feel guilt and regret. Chronic ruminators develop the unconscious habit of constantly replaying past mistakes because it briefly gives them a feeling of control. And feeling in control helps distract from feeling helpless - which is what we really are when it comes to past mistakes.

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