Esther Perel's Blog - 5 Myths We Tell Ourselves When We’re Dating

Love, desire, connection—all of the things that make us want to stay and go deeper with someone—are not induced by another person. They are co-created.

Instead of asking whether we’ve found the right person, learn what it would be like to be in a relationship in which both partners are mutually interested in being good for each other. It’s not just the other person’s responsibility to woo us, maintain our attention, heal us, and help us grow.

We have a tendency to respond to disconnection by gripping tighter, even when we see that our behavior isn’t yielding our desired outcome. But there is a difference between trying harder and self-degradation. And no amount of self-degradation will provoke the true feeling of love in another person. 

Modern love and desire are about free will. We can’t make people love us. We can invite the love of another. We can behave in ways that invite people to appreciate us, to realize the beauty of what we share, and to let the feeling of love grow inside from a glimmer to a flame. If the person we like isn’t interested, we have to let them lose us. 

This is the voice of heartbreak. It conveniently highlights the good parts and disregards the shortcomings. Being realistic with ourselves about the shortcomings, however, can help us heal and determine what we want in future relationships.

The person who broke our heart wasn’t “the one”—not only because the concept of “the one” is flawed—but because there are many people we can love and who will love us. It takes time to heal, but love is not a finite resource.