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Blame is Useless
The Blame Reflex
We can feel safe in pretending that our distress is not evidence of inadequacy in ourselves, but of one in someone else.
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Key Ideas
Blaming Others
We search for a source to our suffering and we tend to settle on people as the source of the misery because we know that people are capable of being responsible for what they’ve done.
Why We Blame
Blame is a defense mechanism. What we’re defending ourselves from is our own responsibility for dealing with the unpleasant experience we’ve been given.
The benefit in blame is that it allows us to avoid feeling like we’re failing ourselves, that we lack the strength and maturity to come to terms with the reality of unfairness or bad luck.
Enforcing Responsibility
Assigning responsibility to others is sometimes possible, but blame itself doesn’t need to be a part of it:
- When we blame, most often we are attempting to delegate responsibility to somebody who isn’t willing to accept it.
- Pinpointing one single person as the ultimate cause of a particular problem is a little nearsighted. Causes and effects are never conveniently cut and dried.
Blame is an Emotion
Blame is not responsibility. It is the absurd act rejecting the reality we’ve been given and charging an unwilling and perhaps unwitting party with improving it, even if that party is an inanimate object sometimes.
And blaming is not useful.
Life’s Ultimate Skill
It is taking responsibility for what happens to us, regardless of who we might think caused it.
When blame enters the picture, we start rejecting reality itself, which is the very definition of suffering.
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Moral Luck
We judge ourselves and others morally for things that didn't come out as intended, were unforeseen, or were influenced by factors beyond one's control.
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Feeling Morally Responsible
Some people do their parenting in difficult circumstances, and nothing that is done by them as parents is fully under their control.
The good and bad traits that parents possess can find their way in the child, with them having no say as to what the child will eventually become or do.
The Inner Paradox
Due to so many factors at play, parents are relying on good luck, pulling off a gamble on the child that is being raised. They don't have much leverage on the outcome, the net result of the actions of their offspring.
There is an inner paradox, a duality that exists in the minds of parents, which can make them accept and also reject the responsibility they have towards their kids' actions.
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The Elixir of Life
Insomniacs must know that sleep is natural, and normal, with each of us having the ...
Tips for Sleeping
- Get up at the same time every morning.
- Write affirmations to tell yourself that your body knows how to sleep.
- Don't involve your over-thinking mind too much.
- Use your bed is for sleep and sex only.
- Don't lie awake for more than 20 minutes on the bed, and if you can't sleep, get up and try to do some calming activity like folding laundry.
The Enemy of Sleep
Our body will take care of itself if left on its own. It is our mind which is the culprit, running like a motor, inducing low-grade anxiety inside us.
Sleep is not something you have to do, but something which happens naturally to you. If an insomniac forgets that he is an insomniac, he will have a good night's sleep.
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Key Idea
Apologies are not about right and wrong
They're about taking responsibility for unintentionally (or even intentionally) hurting someone emotionally or physically.
You apologize less because of you and your c...