Don’t accuse
Be conscious not to point blame at your partner by phrasing sentences that start with words such as “You make me... “ or “You didn’t…”
Instead, begin by saying, “I feel hurt when…” or “I’m upset when…” Your partner will be less likely to be defensive if you don’t sound as though you’re in attack mode.
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Reasons We Play The Blame Game
- Blame is a good defense mechanism and protects your self-esteem by avoiding awareness of your own failings.
- Blame is a tool of attack that can hurt others and a destructive conflict resolution method.
- We’re bad at analyzing people's behavior, or even our own. The attributions...
Use “I Messages”
A sentence starting with “You...” comes off as more of a judgment or an attack and puts people on the defensive.
If you start with “I,” the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame....
Validate your own emotions
Defensiveness sabotages your ability to be a good listener. People become defensive when they feel threatened in a relationship.
The best way to avoid defensiveness and continue to listen well, even when you're upset, is to practice validating your own emotions. Say to yourself tha...
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