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6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

Change your thinking patterns

  1. Have a keen awareness of your thinking patterns. When you have negative thinking you need to change it to a solution.
  2. You need to be in the business of passionately solving your problems. Try looking at the event from a different perspective.
  3. Notice when you feel an emotion about something, and then preempt the feeling before you let it completely take over in your mind. 

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6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships - Thrive Global

https://thriveglobal.com/stories/6-ways-to-stop-sabotaging-your-relationships/

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Key Ideas

Sabotaging behaviors

  • You are controlling and rigid in the way that others should treat you and are easily disappointed. 
  • You have issues with real intimacy. 
  • You tell yourself internally that this relationship will never work because you inherently feel inside that you’re not good enough. 
  • You are sure that it’s only your partner that is the one at fault.
  • You constantly test your partner's love for you.

Examine your history

This goes back to your childhood. 

For example: if you’re drawn to the excitement of meeting and starting a relationship with someone who has a lack of morals, character and is untrustworthy, try to find out about how your parents’ unhealthy habits have affected your choice in partners.

You are part of the problem

If you have a fear of abandonment and rejection and you are constantly ‘setting’ up scenarios that lead to your disappointment, you are the puppeteer controlling this. 

Characteristics you want

Many times, we choose a partner whose basic values are totally different than ours. It is critical that what is important to your partner matches what is important to you.

Watch for signs to determine what is important to your significant other. This can prevent the tendency to walk into a bad situation.

Stop having a victim attitude

When you see yourself as the ‘poor me’ victim, your actions will confirm a negative view of yourself.

Don’t obsess about past mistakes in life. Let go of unrealistic expectations and visions of where you ‘should be’.

Learning from a damaging relationship

Remember certain ‘destructive’ traits that your former partners had and try to make a conscious effort to choose a different type.

We should not only learn from the bad choices that we make but learn from the mistakes of others to avoid making them ourselves. In that way, we can move from being our own worst enemy to being our own best friend.

Change your thinking patterns

  1. Have a keen awareness of your thinking patterns. When you have negative thinking you need to change it to a solution.
  2. You need to be in the business of passionately solving your problems. Try looking at the event from a different perspective.
  3. Notice when you feel an emotion about something, and then preempt the feeling before you let it completely take over in your mind. 

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Why You Self-Sabotage

For many people, the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment keep them out of relationships.

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How You Self-Sabotage

Relationships:

  • You keep yourself isolated.
  • You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
  • You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.

Work:

  • You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
  • You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
  • You stay in a job that you hate.
  • You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.
Healing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior
  • Notice self-judgments.
  • Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others.
  • Consciously see mistakes and failure as stepping stones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth. 
  • Learn to be kind and compassionate toward your own feelings
  • Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself. 
You have an eye on the exit

You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?

Because comm...

You gaslight your partner

The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real. 

For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it." 

You are known as a "serial dater"

You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle. 

You don't want to be seen as a "player" but you can't seem to find someone who you can commit to.

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Understand your attachment style

We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can becom...

Identify your triggers

Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?

Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.

Be mindful of your behavior

Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.

It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.

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