Interdependence

The last person you should ever have to censor yourself with is the person you love.

It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel-good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right.

Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. 

Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.

Stay-in-love partners know that the need to feel in control at times is natural and that it offers an opportunity for learning and helping each other. Partners have confidence in their own autonomy to not react defensively or take it personally. 

As relationships mature, many begin to feel less willing to give that kind of unconditional nurturing, and might not be as available. 

Stay-in-love couples understand the importance of not letting those special “sweet spots” die. They know that their partner sometimes needs to feel that guaranteed comfort and safety, and are more than willing to act as the good parent when asked. 

People think they avoid intimacy as they are scared of becoming closer to other people, and in essence, avoiding showing their true selves to others. They are in effect hiding their true nature and personality from others.

People have to masquerade as someone they are not in order to get what they want and build trust among others, which may not be possible if they show their true selves beforehand.

• Instead of hiding their true intent, Open Manipulators directly demand something which is unconventional or wrong, making their selfishness apparent, and openly disregarding the feelings of the other person, while appearing honest and transparent in the process.
• Open Manipulators have a fundamental objective which is a selfish need even if it destroys the victim. They speak the truth to the victim but are not honest about their fundamental objective, and the background conditions that only they know. They do not care about the victim’s emotions or well-being and use them simply as a tool to use and discard.
• When fear, instead of love is used to coerce a victim into doing something they don’t want to do, it is the opposite of intimacy.

A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.

• People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection. 
• They are comfortable being alone and independent.
• They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
• They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.

50% of the population is secure attachment types.

• They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
• They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
• They have trouble being alone or single.
• They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
• They have trouble trusting people.
• Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.

Before you talk to your partner about something difficult, find the right words to express it first. Until you can verbalize it, it remains unknown to you and to your partner.

If you do not feel safe enough to talk through these issues, consider journaling, or talking with a counsellor until you are clear about how you are feeling.

When you decide to open up, start by taking small steps to test the waters first.

The more you practice and see that you can do it, the easier it will get for you to open up.

When you talk with someone in person, notice the posture and body language of the other person. Focus on the tone in their voice. Consider the meaning of their words.

Touch is a way we communicate and essential to our development. Touch makes us feel safe and encourage trust, love, and compassion.

Reach out to your loved ones and see if you notice a difference.

When someone talks about their problems, we are jumping in the problem-solving mode straight away. While dealing with people, this approach can backfire. A better approach is to just listen and validate their struggles, make them feel heard and understood.

Many times, the external appearance of behaviour isn’t the full story and has underlying functions. It is just a symptom and not the problem.

Example: When a teenager is mad for no reason, it helps to understand the underlying problems they usually have in this age, and be compassionate.

A relationship app does little things like sending you reminders to text your partner an expression of gratitude at a certain time of day. It can also guide you through how to start a conversation about, for instance,  infidelity.

A relationship app is like a third, neutral party: It shows where a couple's needs and priorities differ. One app combines audio tracks and articles about psychology and marriage health, then translates them into exercises.

People have started to approach their personal lives like a business. 

Applications can act as a manager for children's time, or organize to-do lists and goals.

• Interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy.
• They share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. 
• They can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. 
• They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. 
• There’s support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.