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Comparison-induced envy can be a great motivator and guide. It can also make us bitter.

Psychologists distinguish between benign envy, when we admire someone and try to emulate them, and malicious envy, when we dislike the other person for having what we want. It’s the difference between “They have a penthouse apartment, and it’s cool how they got it” and “I hate that their home has panoramic views, and I want them to suffer.”

To be clear: Both are painful. Benign envy motivates us to work harder to improve, while malicious envy makes us nasty.

We often feel malicious envy when we perceive scarcity. But in many cases, another person’s ability to achieve something is evidence that it’s possible for us, too.

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Comparing Up With Comparing Down

Yes, comparing yourself with others is unavoidable, but by applying some of this advice, you can learn to use it to your advantage. Remember that you only see the tip of the iceberg, especially on social media – someone whose life seems perfect on Instagram may be dealing with struggles that you’...

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5 Ways To Turn Unchecked Comparison Into Action

Here’s how to take your envy, decode it and turn it into positive action:

Listen to your strongest triggers
Make sure your envy doesn’t become malicious
Pick a broader baseline
Compare the nitty-gritty
Compare present you against past you

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Listen To Your Strongest Triggers

Comparison can teach you what you value when you see yourself envying someone doing something you want, even if you haven’t consciously allowed yourself to want it.

Self-awareness can help you turn your feelings into something useful, so the...

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Compare The Nitty-Gritty

Thinking through a day-in-the-life can help you make better comparisons, for example by asking yourself:

What would a day-in-the-life look like?
What specific pieces of that life do I want?
What specific pieces of that life do I not want?
What e...

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Compare Present You Against Past You

You may not always be exactly where you want to be, but chances are you’re not where you used to be, either. Pausing to take stock of your accomplishments – and the skills you’ve developed as a result – can help you feel proud of your progress and untangle yourself from malicious envy.

A s...

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Shift From Malicious To Benign Envy

To shift your thinking from malicious to benign envy, try these phrases:

• “I’m inspired by _____. Maybe I can learn from them, or ask them to be my mentor.”

• “I haven’t done what they’ve done . . . yet.”

• “Every person is on their own journey. I’m grateful for mine.”

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If you see a friend hitting a personal milestone, it’s easy to feel you’re far behind in life. But if you think of 10 or 20 of your acquaintances, chances are a bunch will be in the same boat as you – and might even be happily sailing along.

In an experiment, researchers a...

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Unchecked Comparison Makes You Miserable

Left unchecked, comparison can make you miserable. Seeing people be better at something than you are can feel like a vicious uprooting. But with the right tools, you can use your envy to uncover what you value.

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