Explore Others’ Paths

These questions might help you better understand your behavior:

• When do you have outbreaks of your Style Under Stress?
• What situations do you find stressful? and
• What subjects do you find stressful?

Once you’ve learned to look at y...

When you’re in a crucial conversation, it’s easy for high stakes to get the better of you and for things to blow up. You lose focus.

A great way to avoid this is by setting yourself a clear goal for the conversation.

Another way to focus your mind is to ask yourself:

• Wh...

We need to develop five distinct skills.

We need to STATE:

• Share your facts – Start with your least controversial points. Ease them into the conversation.
• Tell your story – Explain your perspective. Where do you think the conversation is ...

The most common stories are:

• Victim Stories: they ignore your responsibility for causing the problem;
• Villain Stories: they make the problem someone else’s fault; and
• Helpless Stories: they make us feel powerless to fix the situation.

These stories assume th...

How did people communicate when you were growing up? Was there debating or shouting or silent treatment? How do you respond to conflict? Do you shut down or lash out?

• The styles of communication you were exposed to as a child affect how you communicate now.
• Despite som...

Crucial conversations can be frightening. When we get scared, we typically turn to one of two “Styles Under Stress”: Silence or Violence.

Silence behaviors include:

• Masking: Hiding your true opinion through sarcasm or sugarcoating;

• Command – If you know what you want, give clear instructions. The best way to do this is to phrase a request. It also helps to give reasons.
• Consult – Decisions are better when everyone inputs. Only use this if you need outside input; don’t pretend. ...

You can do this through mutual respect and mutual purpose.

• To ensure mutual respect, ask: Do they believe you respect them?
• Apologize when appropriate.

To ensure mutual purpose, ask:

• Do you both trust each other’s motives in this con...