Why You Are Lonely and How to Make Friends

• This is how our ancestors formed their relationships, because humans lived in  small, close knit communities in which options for making friends were limited,  so we just formed good relationships with the people who were around us.
• This is why it is so easy to form new friendships in school and university. Society locks you and  your peers in a building for several years. You share similar activities but more importantly:  
• Similar schedules. Overlapping and fluctuating social circles  form naturally giving you regular facetime and shared experiences with many different people.  

• This alone can make it happen automatically and trumps all other advice.
• But don’t forget that making friends is not a numbers game or a competition,  don’t compare yourself to others.
• Everyone has a social calibrator that can change as  you go through life. Maybe you were more introverted as a teen but yearn  for connection in your twenties. Maybe you were part of sprawling social circles but  prefer fewer friends in your thirties. There is no right or wrong, only right for you.

• The reasons why you find yourself with less connection than you want are as diverse as people,  but the underlying cause is almost always: Time.
• There is no shortcut. To make new friends and retain friendships you have to prioritize  relationships, spend time with people in real life and make them feel that  you care. So take a look at yourself and rebalance what you spend your life doing.

• Caring and sharing. In general, our favorite topic is ourselves and the things we care about,  because we are literally at the center of our own universe. So People tend to  like people who are genuinely interested in them. So if you want to make friends,  your goal should be trying to learn what makes them tick.
• Just as important as caring about others is reciprocity and openness. To connect  you need to share the experiences that made you, you.

• Now you don’t want to overwhelm  the other person and immediately spill out your deepest secrets. But open up a little  and reveal personal things – because this also signals to others that it is ok to do  the same.
• The best case is that you find shared experiences – maybe you  both had a hard time in school, maybe you share a passion for weird movies.
• Learning about others and sharing personal stories in a balanced way and not overdoing it,  is not an exact science. Noticing the line between opening up and oversharing  requires practice and depends on the vibe of the conversation.

One of the perplexities of life is that to get something,  it can be helpful to convince yourself that you want it less than you do. In general it is good to be laid back,  have fun and enjoy yourself. Do things for yourself without expectations,  but also be open to social opportunities and accept invitations if they show up.

And that's basically it.