The Art of Saying No

We want others to be drawn to us, to trust us, and to feel better for having spent time with us. It's unsurprising that we often say yes when we know we should say no. It's an instinctive response borne of our longing for other people's approval. But it's important to recognize this yearning for validation as a trigger for our tendency to say yes. When we're aware of our motivations, we can review them and take steps to realign our decisions with our values.

Emotional bullying occurs when one person makes another feel afraid, angry, or self-conscious for the purpose of achieving his or her ends. This is accomplished through a variety of means, including the following: yelling, swearing, making threats, lobbing insults, humiliation, making accusations. Take the high road. Because you're aware that the abuser is knowingly being manipulative, you'll be less compelled by his or her tactics. You won't feel shamed, fearful, guilty, or embarrassed. Instead, you'll recognize the bully's shouting and swearing as indications of his or her personality flaws.

Disappointment springs from unmet expectations. When you acknowledge this fact, you'll find it easier to let go of your fear of disappointing people when you say no to them. You'll come to appreciate that their disappointment is neither your fault nor responsibility. This perspective will give you the courage to stop accommodating every request and invitation that comes your way.

The more you do it, the more you'll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

The word "no" carries an air of final-ity. Many people are ill-prepared to hear it, and lack the ability to accept it with poise and understanding.

If we avoid taking ownership of our decisions to decline requests, we never feel truly empowered with a sense of personal agency. Every time we say "I can't," we train our minds to avoid taking responsibility. Over time, this gives us the false sense that we're not in control.

They have higher expectations of you than your coworkers, friends, and neighbors. They expect you to drop what you're doing to help them. The solution is to set new expectations. You must establish boundaries that are respected by your relatives. Create rules regarding what you're willing to help with and what you're not willing to help with.